Teresa Garratty: “Touched for the 31st time” – my top 10 misheard song lyrics!

Posted on November 9, 2014

Every weekend, we are publishing one popular articles from our archive, which you might have missed the first time round! This one is from November 2013. Tell us which articles you think should be reposted by emailing thelimpingchicken@gmail.com

When you’re Deaf or hard of hearing, sometimes things that are similar get muddled up, but it’s not the end of the world – in fact, it’s often quite hilarious!

For example, when I was a youngster I used to refer to the Pacific Ocean as the “specific” ocean – and that was before I lost my hearing!

So, without further ado, I give to you my favourite top 10 misheard song lyrics. It’s best if you sing them out loud! Really, give it a try!

1. Madonna – Like a Virgin

“Like a virgin… touched for the thirty-first time.”

Oh Madonna you saucy minx! I’d heard she’d been around the block but my goodness!

Oh, hold on… she was only “touched for the very first time”.  

My mistake, Madge, I take it all back!

2. Billy Myers – Kiss the Rain

“Kiss Lorraine”

Who is this Lorraine? And why is she so kissable?

Oh, apparently it’s just Billy Myers being overly affectionate with the weather, and it should have been ‘Kiss the rain.’

No wonder we got confused!

3. Jimi Hendrix – Purple Haze

“Scuse me while I kiss this guy”

More kissing?! I honestly didn’t know Jimi Hendrix swung that way and that’s probably because he doesn’t. He was in fact singing about kissing “the sky.”

Not that it makes any more sense.

4. Bryan Adams – Summer of ’69

“Got my first real sex dream”

That is exactly the type of thing you should keep to yourself, Mr Adams!

He didn’t actually get a sex dream though. Or at least, he didn’t write a song about it anyway.

He got his first real six string”, a guitar.

Get your minds out of the gutter!

5. Bon Jovi – Living On a Prayer

“It doesn’t matter if we’re naked or not”

Depends where you are and who you’re with surely? In fact, I can think of numerous scenarios in which clothes are essential.

But this wasn’t a pro-nudism song anyway – Bon Jovi simply didn’t care if you’d “make it or not”, and clothing was optional.

6. Bee Gees – More Than A Woman

“Norman’s a woman, Norman’s a woman to me”

I always knew there was something different about that guy Norman, and it’s nice to know that the Bee Gees agree with me.

Except they don’t and I owe Norman a huge apology. It actually was “More than a woman, more than a woman to me.”

Sorry Norm, must be the way you walk.

7. Issac Hayes – Shaft

“He’s a carpet cleaning man but no-one understands him but his woman”

Ah yes, that John Shaft is a man of many talents; private detective, sex machine and avid carpet cleaner.

Unfortunately for those of you who spilt last night’s wine, the latter isn’t true. You see, Shaft is actually a “complicated man”. 

His domestic habits are yet to be documented.

8. Will Smith – Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Theme

“Shooting some people outside of the school”

Well, I’m shocked and appalled! Will Smith doesn’t usually go for such controversial lyrics! But before you get yourselves worked up, let me clarify something for you.

Will was “shooting some B-ball”, which the cool kids tell me is street talk for participating in a game of basketball.

See? No harm done.

9. Joni Mitchell – Big Yellow Taxi

A gay pair of guys put up a parking lot”

What’s this nonsense Joni Mitchell is spouting? What does sexual orientation have to do with building capabilities?

She should have gone with something like, oh I don’t know “They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.”

Makes much more sense, whichever way the builders liked to swing.

10. Celine Dion – My Heart Will Go On

“The hot-dogs go on.”

This was meant to be the theme to Titanic, wasn’t it? Now, I’ve seen that film and at no point do hot-dogs make an appearance (you can keep your smutty jokes about the steamy car scene to yourself).

So what was she actually singing about then? The heart. The heart does go on”. That’s much more romantic than a song about hot-dogs (no offence to hot-dog lovers throughout the world).

So there you have it and if you want more, Google is only a mere mouse click away! Be sure to let us know if you find any corkers!

If you enjoyed this article, you may also enjoy: The ten annoying habits of hearing people

Screen Shot 2013-07-11 at 12.10.43Teresa is a freelance film maker, photographer and full time cynic. At school, she was voted “Most likely to end up in a lunatic asylum”, a fate which has thus far been avoided. Her pet hates are telephones, intercoms and all living things.


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