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The Secret Deafie is a series of anonymous columns written by different writers. This one comes from a Deaf man who has tried internet dating…
I am a profoundly deaf oralist and have been since birth. I have been in various relationships with hearing people, but never a deaf person. No reason why not, just never met someone who interested me or was interested in me.
But then, I don’t really socialise in deaf circles. After a (long) while being single, I decided I would try the internet dating thing a try. A number of my (hearing) friends have had great success with them.
It was fun at first, writing a profile, and then looking for matches. I sent a few emails to them saying ‘hey, your profile looks great, reply if you like mine’ or some other cheesy line.
I even started chatting to a few people. So far, so good. Then we started talking about meeting up – this whole internet dating malarkey is paying off!
I arrange our first date, just a drink in a local pub. She arrived (which is a good start), I bought her a glass of wine and myself a pint of bitter. We sat down and started talking, firstly about the dating website and how we found it.
Then, after drinking about a quarter of our drinks, she suddenly went quiet and strange.
Oh dear! What have I said? Thinking back quickly through the conversation, could my job have put her off or did I inadvertently call her fat (she wasn’t)?
She then said she had to go to the loo! Ah! She has a gippy tummy! Understandably, she was nervous about meeting me – or so I thought!
So off to the loo she popped……and she never came back!
Oh dear! What have I done? It couldn’t have been my face, she saw my profile picture. So I was a bit bemused. The next day, I sent her an email asking what I had done wrong.
She replied back, apologetically and stated that she did not know I was deaf and it felt wrong to date a ‘vulnerable adult’!!
Needless to say, I was somewhat offended and blocked her.
OK, so a tweaking of my strategy is required. This time, I shall tell them I am deaf before we meet.
So the whole thing starts again. I got some views, people started messaging me and I hit it off with a few women….fantastic! Now comes the time to arrange dates, here I go.
‘Just so you aware, I am deaf, but don’t worry, I can still talk and communicate with you’.
Oh dear! Half of them never replied back to me after that.
Some of them replied back saying ‘Oh! That is not a problem for me!’ and then never replied back.
The rest continued talking for a while, but then either tailed off or ‘met someone else’.
Whether this is connected or not, I don’t know, but of the women who I was in conversation with, not one of them agreed to meet me after I revealed I was deaf.
OK, so a further tweaking is required. This time, I was upfront in my profile. I made it clear that I was deaf, but iterated that I did not need to bring an interpreter to any dates because I speak. Now this had an interesting response!
I had one woman email me saying that she understood about being deaf and dating as she had a kid! Hmm, yes that is exactly the same thing!
I even had a terp emailing me telling me that I was really brave for going on a hearing dating site!
The number of views stayed the same, but the number of people contacting me tailed off quite significantly. However, I still get an email every couple of weeks off a woman, and I have had a couple of very pleasant dates. I am now even waiting for a second date. She is hearing and very pretty!
So in summary, my advice is to be up front! Yes, you may get fewer responses, but in the long run it is far less hurtful.
Do you have a story or experience you’d like to share? If you’d like to write a Secret Deafie column, just email thelimpingchicken@gmail.com.
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Dan Schwartz, Editor, THe Hearing Blog
August 8, 2015
Given that you’re in UK, there may be slightly different connotations between “deaf,” “hearing impaired,” and “hard-of-hearing.”
Generally, I frame it as “I’m hard-of-hearing but I do well with my hearing aids.”
Alexbrod
August 8, 2015
Like you, I’m also deaf and oral.
I’ve always been upfront on my dating profile, so what I don’t know can’t hurt me as I leave the choice to them even though I do message them, for instance if I withdrew that information, they find out later, they would reject on the fact I’m deaf, that’s more hurtful this way. I don’t withdraw that essential info, so I focus on the positives of my deafness rather than negatives on my profile, that I’m capable.
Also another trick is grow a thicker skin, and be prepared to answer some of their questions as they might never dated a deaf person.
Remember when they reject you, never EVER blame yourself for being deaf as at the end of the day, it’s their problem for not being accepting or adaptable. You’d be better off being with someone who is understanding and adaptable so don’t settle for the 2nd best.
I’m a seasoned pro on online dating despite using it since 2001!
Cadiche
August 15, 2015
I wholeheartedly agree with what Alexbrod has said here. Although I am not oral, I am not afraid of my Deafness. I would want my date to know in advance. If she still chooses to meet with you, then it is definitely a great sign already.
There are so many assumptions and so much stigma surrounding Deafness… let them ask, and if they use words like “deaf and dumb” or “hearing impaired,” whap that right out of them in the conversation. If somebody is going to get involved with a Deafie, learning the rights and wrongs in a conversation is important. Don’t be afraid to tell them if something is wrong or outright offensive.
People who don’t want to date Deaf people for the simple reason of their Deafness …those people are the broken ones. Stand tall, be Deaf and be proud. Don’t let dating change who you are.
As for me, when I met my husband, I was Hard of Hearing. He was (and still is) hearing. Regardless of the communication problems we sometimes came up against, we overcame every one of them. And when my hearing left completely and I was diagnosed as profoundly Deaf, he stepped right up and threw himself into ASL classes like you wouldn’t believe. (Sadly, he also bought a book about how to sign all the swear words, but he’s always been weird like that) 😉 The fact that he continued to travel the journey with me makes me love him even more. He has never seen me as broken.
Women, whether Deaf or hearing, will like/love you for who you are. Your Deafness is a part of who you are. It isn’t “what you are.” Be straight with a woman from the very beginning and that is what will be your trademark… honesty xx
Angela Bengsen
August 11, 2015
That’s just stupid. Sorry, not a clever response, but honest. I have a profoundly deaf daughter (bilaterally implanted), and what a stupid issue. I shouldn’t have to congratulate you or praise you for trying the dating thing with “hearing” people. No offence, but you’re just normal lol.Thanks for the tip but what a bunch of shallow, ignorant fools. As for the “vulnerable adult” line…hmm, well that’s a new one. Good luck, hope you have fun and find the right girl 🙂
samthornesite
November 8, 2016
I hope that second date worked out well for you and that you’re on your way to having a nice, pretty girlfriend 😀
What a performance though, having to decide how honest to be, and how early. Well done for sticking at it.