It was only a chair.
It was just the placement of the chair that “told” others I was an – ahem – inbetweener.
I was at a children’s party, feeding my daughter while my son danced about when I noticed a Deaf guy pointing at me.
He was asking others who had congregated in a corner, “Who’s that? Is she hearing? She’s not Deaf is she?” They all looked. But before they could answer I piped up.
“I’m Deaf, and I’ve seen you around before.” I signed to him. He looked at me quizzically. His wife wandered over to see what the matter was then proceeded to tell him how they knew me.
“Oh! I remember now!” The guy exclaimed. “You’re one of them people, you can do both – fitzafitza and sign.”
Fitzafitza – he was referring to my speech.
“Erm, yes,” I replied, feeling flummoxed. “I suppose I can.”
“That’s why you’re sitting there then!” He concluded, as though the placement of my chair really mattered.
I looked around. To the left of me was four hearing mothers and to my right was a group of deaf parents.
How ironic. If ever there was a visual explanation to describe my place in the world, this was it. Bang in the middle.
Suddenly I felt awkward and self conscious. Is this really how people see me? Not quite fitting in?
Sure, that day I did chat jovially to my Deaf friends and I love their company but it’s true – I do feel a bit different. And whilst I’m happy to get to know other hearing people there’s usually the initial communication stumbles.
And of course there’s the hearing people who run a mile because they’re scared of Deaf people – so I don’t get the chance to know them anyway!
It’s a bit of a conundrum really.
I’m not quite this but I’m not quite that. In the Deaf community’s eyes perhaps I’m not a true ‘big D’ deaf person. But then maybe to the hearing world there’s no denying I am deaf.
Although I’m obviously, slap-you-in-the-face, clearly deaf, I’ll never be able to hide my “hearing-ness” or Hearing Culture I should say.
The oral use of English, SSE based signs, love of music and the little quirks that my Deaf friends say make me “look hearing” – the polite, reserved nature in social settings.
And then in opposition to all that, there’s no denying my Deaf culture either. The visual humour, noticing things others wouldn’t, love of sign language and of course the exaggerated lip patterns or animated facial expressions when in conversation.
It’s just who I am.
I didn’t want to be an inbetweener growing up. Oh no. I wanted to fit in one camp only. I thought maybe if I was more deaf the support at school would be more straightforward and I’d have more deaf friends. I’d be going to the Deaf club instead of dance lessons, not missing out on the youth activities at the deaf club like I always did…
But then in the privacy of my bedroom I’d wish that I was hearing so I could go on Pop Idol (the show before X Factor 😉 ) and follow my dreams to work in the West End. Singing into my hairbrush with the stereo turned high and dreaming of a musical life.
But those simple, straightforward dreams weren’t meant to be, were they? This is my plan.
So, to the guy who pointed me out and asked – in a beautifully blunt Deaf culture way – why I was sitting where I was… Thanks. It may have been purely coincidental but I believe that awkward conversations such as the one with yourself are only catalysts for getting us to accept or move on from something.
So yes, I am sitting in the middle. And yes, I do go in both worlds – not fully perhaps, but it’s okay with me.
I can work with it.
And it’s Rebecca, by the way. I do hope you remember me next time.
Any more inbetweeners out there?
Read more of Rebecca’s articles for us here.
Rebecca Anne Withey is a freelance writer with a background in Performing Arts & Holistic health.
She is also profoundly deaf, a sign language user and pretty great lipreader.
Her holistic practices and qualifications include Mindfulness, Professional Relaxation Therapy, Crystal Therapy and Reiki.
She writes on varied topics close to her heart in the hope that they may serve to inspire others.
Alex
July 7, 2016
I’m another interbetweener!
The Inbetweener
July 7, 2016
Hey Rebecca,
Your story is pretty much an exact replica of my situations. It’s harder for me because i’ve gone through various stages of my life at the same time of being in or around (& sometimes critical of if it, if it needs it) the d/Deaf community. I have been losing my hearing over the years, and 4 years ago I started to learn BSL – without knowing I was losing my hearing. I went to work for a “Deaf” charity (that supposedly supports all d/Deaf/HoH people) and then my hearing started getting worse and I went through the levels of loss (and labels) whilst there. I was never seen as “fully” deaf – and when I wanted to apply for a different job within the charity that was being advertised externally, I was told I couldn’t because I wasn’t “fully” deaf. I’ve still got the email saved. It was then I decided to start looking elsewhere for work as I couldn’t stay working for an charity that fights for “all” d/Deaf people actively discriminating against one of the people that they are actually supporting.
Why don’t some people like me? Well it’s simple. I believe in Equality. Everyone should be equal, and have the same access as everyone else. I’m not pro OR anti BSL OR oral OR audist OR surdophobic. I fight for all, all at the same time. As soon as you fight for more access in one group then you aren’t fighting for EQUALITY – you’re wanting more than the others… making you as bad as the people that try and opress it (i’m not using the word you as in you yourself Rebecca, incase you thought I was ;-p ).
So when I fight for access to online content, I fight for videos which are BSL, Subtitles AND Voicedover. Yeah, I get it that some can only produce the first two of those, but what irritates me the most is when only the first is provided.. and if I ask for subtitles, I get shot down. Or I get blocked from leaving future comments on their Facebook page (yes, it really happened.. the d/Deaf Charity deleted the video and blocked me from liking/commenting on future posts because they couldn’t be bothered to subtitle it).
What annoys me the most is when a small group of “one side” get together and try slag me off in some way. I know it is happening because it always gets back to me. Which in turn gets my back up. I fight for these people’s rights, sign their petitions, get involved and support them, and then they throw it all back in my face. Some people still see me as “that hearing/hoh guy” – when actually I’m severely deaf, and have two hearing aids… I still have to keep reminding them.
I speak, I sign… get over it. Sometimes both at the same time. Sometimes doing it quite well, other times not so. But it is MY choice on how I want to communicate.
If i’m in a group of BSL users, I’ll go with BSL. If I’m with non-signers I will speak. If i’m in a mixed group then i’ll do both.
Being in the middle like this eventually makes you develop a thick skin. It takes a lot of time, but it then makes you even more determined to prove them all wrong.
Yours,
The Inbetweener
Emma
July 8, 2016
What is surdophobic? https://www.google.gr/search?q=surdophobic&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-b-ab&gfe_rd=cr&ei=Ww9_V8CkCuWP8QeWv7OoCQ
I’m half with you on the rest of it, but I don’t think you’re past that hurdle yet personally. Now, tell me what surdophobic is! A made up word?
The Inbetweener
July 8, 2016
Surdophobia is a fear of Deaf people – a person that has a fear of Deaf people is surdophobic.
I first came across the term when watching a signed video by John Smith, the comedian on Facebook some time ago.
😀
Sharon
July 8, 2016
wonderfully put, well done!
Cathy
July 7, 2016
Wow, Rebecca! Iam another inbetweener! So nice to meet you!
I have spent my life feeling “stuck in the middle”, neither Deaf nor hearing, but my deafness is obviously there! But I have speech the same as hearing people, so my “hearing” is there too!! But it isn’t really! This anamoly becomes apparent in hearing groups where conversation flows fast, its a struggle to keep up, but boy, I try!
Like you, I chat to hearing people and use sign language with Deaf people. It is hard work though: trying to communicate in hearing groups is not easy whatsoever, but I find my lipreading skills improving the more I mix with hearing people. I have just joined such a hearing group and they are lovely. I probably pick up roughly half the conversation in the whole group but 1-1 pick up more than three quarters. Not perfect, but if lipreading skill improves: what the heck! Its lovely to meet new people too.
The Deaf world consists of the same people your entire life unless you travel far and wide, which is often too expensive to do, so you end up in the same group doing the same thing: bingo, pub nights, joan n derby events etc. It is virtually like living in a bubble with little knowledge of what is really going on in the world!
I thank God for my lipreading skill and reading ability as this helps you to widen both your knowledge and social circle in ways the Deaf community with its sign language can never do!
I have often wondered how many inbetweeners there actually is? Maybe there are far more than we think and perhaps the numbers would form a club all of their own.
This blog made me chuckle because it is so transparent of inbetweeners lives, so thankyou, Rebecca for shining a spotlight on us! Cheers!
Amanda H
July 7, 2016
Me too inbetweener 🙂
Rod Jones
July 7, 2016
Thanks Rebecca, for a very profound and accurate account of life as an “inbetweener”.
Jules
July 7, 2016
Hello fellow inbetweeners, I too can do the fitzafitza and BSL! Shame we’re all spread out here and there….perhaps we need a new club for inbetweenies!
Jeanne
July 7, 2016
Rebecca – everything you said, ditto for me! I will add, though, that most in the Deaf Community are very accepting of my “foot in both worlds”. Surprisingly and annoyingly, most of the judgmental attitude comes from Deaf Ed teachers and new hearing interpreters. Since I don’t fit neatly into their box of Deafness, then it must be because I am “fake” Deaf. They often assume they know what’s best for us deafies, but my ability to communicate flexibly throws them off. They don’t want to change their belief system and assumptions, which means I’m the one who is wrong and fake. Anyone else notice that?? Older and more experienced interpreters have already figured out that the Deaf/HH world is very diverse, and the good ones have adjusted and accepted that. It’s the new ones who think they know everything there is to know about us. Good luck with that! LOL
Sheri
July 7, 2016
When I was a child, because I could speak so well and read lips as well as I could I was accused of faking my hearing loss more than once by teachers. I was also unfairly placed in special education. I was unable to attend the local Deaf school because I wasn’t Deaf enough they told my parents although a doctor recommended I attend because I was not being served properly at the public school I was attending. I grew up quite traumatized by my educational experience. I was taught to be Oral only. My teachers would punish me and my other Deaf friends if we signed and didn’t use our voices. I never learned ASL because of this.
I’m hoping with old age this will get better. Most people lose hearing as they age so I look forward to fitting in with all the other oldies with a hearing loss in a nursing home. Bleak I know LOL
Glad I’m not alone! I am the only Deaf person in my family, husband is hearing too. I’ve never had any experience with interpreters but like you my ability to communicate so well throws people off. Some hearing have actually gotten mad at me simply for talking to them. I’ve been rebuffed by the Deaf too because I speak too well and don’t appear to be “deaf enough”.
:sighs:
Emma
July 7, 2016
I guess I am an invisible in-betweener, being a profoundly deaf cochlear implantee, who doesn’t sign, after losing my hearing in my twenties (I’m 43 now). I don’t belong in the hearing club, as I don’t ‘hear’ in the same way any more, as I am deaf, but people don’t see me as ‘D’ deaf because I don’t sign (I can fingerspell, but it can make for long conversations).
Sheri
July 7, 2016
I am an inbetweener. I don’t fit in with my hearing family or coworkers but also don’t fit in with the Deaf since I do not know ASL. Oral Deaf I guess is the term. I’m thankful for being able to speak as well as I can but it does me no good with the hearing. Like you said, some run miles away from you and although you can speak to them you are “broken” and avoided. To the Deaf, because of speech I’m not one of them either….It’s a difficult place to be. I’ve spent many nights crying myself to sleep as a child feeling so alone because I didn’t belong anywhere it seems. I broke my hip last week and while in the hospital I was asked numerous times if I could read by the hearing staff although I spoke well and wore hearing aids. I was treated like I was stupid for the most part. Only 1 hearing person knew I was simply deaf & treated me like I was a normal human being. I get so sick and tired of being treated like a leper from the hearing and the Deaf simply because I cannot hear and SPEAK too. 🙁 We should all start a group for the inbetweeners in the deaf community!
ps-I too LOVE MUSIC and love to sing as well. I play piano ( not great at it ). Music has been my saving grace if it wasn’t for my love of music and performing even if it’s in front of a mirror I would have cracked sooner. I’ve had to let dreams go….it’s hard but I don’t think being a rock star is in my future. Wanted to be an actress too. Went to auditions but never got called back because I was the only Deaf person who had applied for the part. If Marlee Matlin can do it…why can’t I? 🙁 I’m in Atlanta, the new Hollywood of the South!
Sheri
molyfam
July 7, 2016
I can really relate to this – I am partially deaf with CHARGE Syndrome and often feel like an inbetweener.
Sandra
July 7, 2016
I’m not an inbetweener yet but I was planning on training to be (although having read some of the troubles you have all experienced I’m kind of scared now). I’m 46 and have become severely deaf over the last 10 years or so. I wear hearing aids and have started learning BSL in the hope of becoming an interpreter at some point in the future. I have realised that my job will eventually become too hard to continue as my hearing loss progresses so I am positioning myself for the future as it were. I’m glad to be forewarned about the potential challenges I may face as I was probably going into this with rather a blissfully naive attitude. So here’s to becoming a fully fledged member of the inbetweeners club. See you on the other side.
Sandra, London.
John
July 7, 2016
That deaf guy is a complete knobhead and ignoramus. He projected his feelings of inadequacy on you and tried to pull you down to make himself feel better. God forbid if all deaf people were like him. Basically he was jealous at Rebecca being a confident and assured woman (which I can vouch for) who speaks well and has fluent sign language. Unfortunately there are some prominent members in the Deaf community who mock those who move in both hearing and deaf circles and the ‘fitzafitza’ comment is a perfect example of that. Every individual is different and we should respect that rather than try and belittle them. Rebecca, don’t ever stop being who you are.
Quiet in Los Angeles
July 8, 2016
I’m not sure I’m an inbetweener yet, but I sure get the concept!. I am significantly hard of hearing. in the range of human speech, and It’s hard to define to others how deaf/hard of hearing one really is and it’s a hard sell for hearing people to learn ASL. So I’ve always relied heavily on lipreading.
I do believe that the more common ASL becomes, the more people will use it. I’d like to see more hearing people learn ASL so that the two communities are not so isolated from each other. If more people knew ASL, people would realize how smart and capable deaf people are. It would be great if we were all “inbetweeners!”
There were no programs for the deaf when I entered school. I was expected to “hear” (insert lipreading there), and to speak clearly. As a result I lipread well and speak clearly, so no one thinks I’m all that hard of hearing. But I am.
Over the course of this I’ve seen a lot of bad assumptions about hearing loss, and I can understand why the deaf community is separated in a lot of ways from the community at large. But those bad assumptions shouldn’t exist, and people should have more opportunities to communicate.
There is a large community college program close to my home and I was amazed to learn that it includes classes in ASL and classes to learn ASL, and it’s very close to home. There are interpreters at the college events, and everyone participates. It is amazing to me to see the two groups actually mixing and accepting each other, because it hasn’t always been so. Next semester, I’ll start taking ASL there. I believe I’m seeing the beginnings and possibilities of being an “inbetweener” now., I don’t have to be a deaf person in a hearing world. And hopefully some day, the hearing world will be more inclusive..
alicia
July 8, 2016
I think it takes a very well rounded person to be able to be a part of both worlds, and I commend you, Rebecca for the fact that you are happy to inhabit both. This I think opens you up to possibilities, opinions, and experiences that some people are likely to miss because they only inhabit one world. This desire to label ourselves and set ourselves in this camp, or that camp is not without its negatives.
I come from a hearing family, I am the only deaf person after losing my hearing at the age of four. My parents worried that by going to a deaf school and learning sign language I would be limiting myself, and decreasing my chances of getting job satisfaction, or would become too isolated from the family. This means that I do not know any other deaf people, I am lucky in that my friends and family are so understanding so I never feel like the odd one out. But, at the same time I am becoming more and more aware of the deaf culture and I sometimes wish I could join in.
I do think about learning sign-language and I will one day, at the minute I just want to focus all my energies on my PhD.
Thank you for writing this post. This post, like this blog, has shown me that actually I am not the only one.
Peter
July 8, 2016
‘The Deaf Inbetweeners’ movie is coming out soon! ;P
Jessica
July 9, 2016
Hello inbetweeners,
I’m another one, I think. At 63, I may be older than most of you as it seems that most of you have been more successful with your lives than I have been. Congratulations to you. I have been profoundly deaf from birth, but my parents sent me to an oral school that would not let me learn Australian Sign language (Auslan). I still cannot use hearing aids, and feel too old or comfortable with myself to consider cochlear implants. That means I have lip-read all my life and speak orally. Some people say my speech is very good but i wonder sometimes because I had to put up with a very impatient supervisor in a medical diagnostic laboratory, who treated me as a second-grade person, for more than 20 years. (I retired early in the end because I had enough of him.)
I find Australians hard to lipread at their normal conversational speed (with all their abbreviations of words and “Strine”) compared to English or Americans. Consequently I have felt very much isolated all my life. I did try to join other deaf people and try to learn Auslan, but I can’t seem to pick it up. Some D were astounded to learn that I was indeed profoundly deaf, and not hearing.
And yes, hearing people seem to avoid me and run away as soon as they learn I am deaf.
Joanne
July 9, 2016
Another ‘inbetweener’ here! Was born profoundly deaf, used
hearing aids all my life, and I’m a very good lip reader, I don’t sign other than the alphabet!
Refused to go to the ‘deaf club’ again after I went twice aged 14! Felt they (the ‘real’ deaf people who signed) were so rude and insensitive stamping on the floor, or pinching me to get my attention!! My younger brother came with me and he couldn’t understand that if they are deaf why are they stamping? Lol! I think if I hadn’t been brought up in the hearing world I wouldn’t have done very well academically, as English was my best subject. Also I would miss out on hearing music which I love. In some ways I would have liked to be completely deaf so I could fit in. I have never felt like I fit in properly
Tina
July 10, 2016
What is ‘fitzafitza’?
Why does there need to be 2 groups for us? We are all battling the same issues.
There’s a group on Facebook : UK Hearing Loss Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/1756993724547372/
This group is for people who are accepting of all hearing loss journeys. We are all neighbours here, whether your journey includes cochlear implants, hearing aids, BAHA’s, sign language, lipreading, Cued Speech, etc. If you are hard wired to believe that there is only one way to approach hearing loss then this is not the group for you.
This group is for the majority who do not quite fit in with the “Deaf Culture” but are part of the “deaf community”. This group encourages open mindedness, support and a new kind of community. We want to get away from the tired idea that you have to be a part of one exclusive community. This group does not discourage sign language, Cued Speech, lipreading or any approach that a person with hearing loss grew up with.
Natalie Mulley
July 10, 2016
Me too. I’ve been HoH since 12, and I finally went deaf last summer at 25. I’m learning sign and I love it (start level 2 in September whoop!) but I literally don’t know where I fit. My husband’s family are learning to sign too (SIL does makaton anyway, so re-learning and using sign language isn’t a huge deal for her. Besides, it’s hilarious watching my niece (3) and nephew (1) learning sign language. Nephew is always proudly showing off his new sign!), but mine won’t. My friends are learning a bit here and there to make life easier as time goes on. My husband reckons he’s learning to sign, but most of the time he forgets (tbh, I’d be happy if he remembered to not leave the room mid-sentence!). I’m scared of going to proper deaf club because I don’t know anyone and I’m so slow as a signer – and because I use SSE rather than BSL. I still speak really well thanks to a decade or so of speech therapy so most hearing people don’t realise I’m deaf – right up until I ‘ignore’ them when they’re talking and I’m facing the other way.
I’m just kinda hoping it’ll slip into place as time goes on, but any suggestions would be more than welcome!
Sarah
July 13, 2016
I’m another inbetweener, I feel exactly the same as you Rebecca in what you’re going through. Sometimes I struggle in both worlds unfortunately. I like to have some balance in my life and I definitely miss signing when I’m not in the d/Deaf community for a while. So having a balance of both worlds are extremely important to me. Unfortunately I have come across a few Deaf people made me feel unwanted and left out which sadly makes me feel intimidated.
nattevind
July 13, 2016
This is me also!! :’D :’D
I can relate to you in so many ways on this! So proud of my deaf culture but I am also proud that I can blend in the hearing world too and mix with hearing people. It is a blessing and a curse all in one! xx
Paul Duggan
July 15, 2016
Yes I’m another inbetweener 😊 it’s so wonderful to know that there are others like myself, I have a CI after being diagnosed with aphl in
April 2013.
Yes you do feel that you’re inbetween two camps world’s? those in the hearing world don’t know how to engage with me and I’ve been told by a deaf with a “D” 😊 person “well you don’t look deaf ” ! Well sorry to disappoint both groups my hearing loss doesn’t define me I make those choices for myself as we all do living with hearing loss every day😊
Brilliant post thanks for taking the time to read my message hope I didn’t go on for too long 😊
Take care Paul Duggan l
Jaime
April 8, 2018
I agree with Quiet in Los Angeles – it would be great if we were all In-betweeners! But I don’t think it’s a hard sell to get hearing people to learn sign language – we just need to promote a sign-positive attitude and keep showing them the benefits. I am an In-betweener, but from the other side. I’m hearing – I started learning ASL when I was 19 and have become very fluent. So much so that when new people in the Deaf community meet me they have to ask if I’m Deaf or hearing. I used to be proud that they had to ask, but I’ve grown to dislike the question because I realized they are trying to place me into a single group and I feel that I belong in both. I am a sign language enthusiast! I believe Deaf people can do anything hearing people can do – except (in some cases) hear. And even this is changing with new technologies. I believe in collaboration, accommodation and breaking down systemic societal barriers. Everyone should know a sign language because this would benefit not only current D/deaf but also hearing people (there are so many cognitive and social gains for those who learn a visual language – and you can learn it at ANY age). Learning sign would especially benefit those hearing people who will gain deafness in the future. Our society needs to become more inclusive – but this will only happen through openness and education. Diversity is a good thing – it makes us human and it allows us to understand multiple perspectives thereby expanding our knowledge and experience. Both sides (the oral/technological/medical vs. the sign/Deaf Culture/Deaf community) need to be more accepting of In-betweeners. And we do need to work to build a community where both hearing and Deaf people feel welcome. I have friends who are Deaf and I have friends who are hearing. Both Deaf culture and hearing technologies have a lot to offer and people shouldn’t be forced to choose only one. I dislike the term ‘hearing loss’ – I use ‘deaf gain’ instead. I loved this article.