Emily Howlett: The trials of my Hearing Dog, George

As you are now no doubt aware, my relationship with my hearing dog George (Baron Von Gerogeington to his friends) is perhaps slightly… unusual. Most hearing dogs have great respect for their owners, and will go to any lengths to please them and keep them safe. They are loyal and brave, and can be relied upon to perform their duties to the best of their ability, at any time.

This is not true of George. He is loyal to me only on occasion, when it suits him. More often, he is loyal to anyone within a square mile who has a tennis ball in their possession. George will not go to any lengths to perform his duties, but will simply do whatever he has to with the minimum required effort (for example, standing by the door and glaring at me when the doorbell rings, rather than walking across the room to alert me properly).

I have to admit, as a particularly lazy kind of person myself, I can’t help but admire this. He is (if I‘m being honest) just brilliant at being a Hearing Dog, but he does it while still managing to be a proper dog, with his own individual personality and little quirks, rather than a robot.

George cannot wear a full coat as his uniform, because he has body sensitivity issues. Instead he wears a Hearing Dogs bandana around his neck, making him very recognisable (as we find out at almost every public event). I can understand this kind of problem; I am unable to wear short skirts because of stupidity issues; too many people have seen my knickers in the past (as we find out at almost every public event).

George is obviously unable to speak, but has found ways to make his superior presence felt in other ways. For example, he is not able to shout, “Excuse me but that is MY chair!” when my father is about to sit down. Poor George has instead to gallop across the lounge and launch himself onto the sofa between cushion and lowering buttocks.

This may have the effect forcing a 70 year old man to try and stand back up while halfway through flopping down, to prevent smearing the furniture with crushed dog, but at least George gets his point across.

In addition, this much neglected canine has to endure almost daily baths, which are beyond his understanding as a Labrador whose natural state comes somewhere between ‘disgusting’ and ‘revolting’.

As a Hearing Dog, George must always been clean and hygienic when working, and he simply cannot equate this with the fact that I never allow him to remain mud-encrusted and dripping for long.

He did once try and follow me into Costa after a particularly swampy walk, and was genuinely confused as to why I didn’t let him come inside and do his job – surely we could just have passed him off as a black lab, instead of a white one?

And, lest we forget, that as a Hearing Dog belonging to someone who has frequent contact with many hordes of small children, poor George is often subjected to their… artistry.

His calm, accepting nature is used against him fairly regularly, as he is brushed with tiny Barbie hairbrushes, covered with stickers/facepaint/glitter and voted in as both goalkeeper and goalposts for impromptu football games.

Fortunately there are upsides; last week he attended a unicorn-themed birthday party and was presented with his own unicorn horn, a gift which delighted him beyond measure.

The life of a Hearing Dog is indeed a hard one.

The life of a Baron Von Georgington is almost too much to bear. Thank goodness for Bonios, eh?

Emily Howlett is a profoundly Deaf actress, writer and teacher. Emily is co-director of PAD Productions and makes an awful lot of tea. And mess. She now has not one, but four grey eyebrow hairs. C’est la vie. She tweets as @ehowlett