I love Christmas but Christmas is also something I dread. I fret when Christmas nears..
I love seeing families gathering together and celebrating Christmas as a family, acknowledging and loving each other…. but not mine. When it comes to my hearing family, I hate it. Not because of the people in my hearing family…. because there is no communication.
Every year I avoid Christmas gatherings unless they are ‘Deaf friendly’ and with people who really valued communication whether it is signing or not.
My husband and I got married on Christmas Eve. I wanted my Christmas to be special, I wanted Christmas to be a joyful time and getting married on Christmas Eve was the best thing I ever did. That changed my feeling about Christmas.
I grew up in a very ‘hearing cultural world’… I tried so hard to be ‘hearing’ but it doesn’t matter how hard I tried, I never succeed.
Trying to be ‘hearing’ was expected in my hearing family but it is also something that they will never understand because they cannot see it from my perspective nor have been in my shoes. Especially as a deaf person. It doesn’t matter how many times I tried to share and explain… “It’s always about you..” I am told.. often.
The older I become, the more I avoid being around my hearing family is because I don’t have the strength anymore and I dont like ‘wasting time’… my energy, my time and my life on something that had no value to me nor return anything in exchange.
My mother is a beautiful kind person and she is well liked by many people, she does have a good heart however my relationship with my mother is toxic. Dysfunctional.
My father is a very brilliant eccentric man and talks loudly, drones on and on, shares his own strong views on many topics yet my relationship with my father is better than anyone else in the hearing family.
I have two siblings and they are lovely people but I do not ‘see’ them as siblings… just people I know, friends. Even though I do love them… yet I resent their relationship with my parents, other hearing family members and one of my children.
Why? because I don’t have that kind of relationship and I crave that. I wanted that for as long as I can remember.
I have many nieces and nephews, I love all of them and because they are children, it is easier… who knows what will happen when they grow older?. I know deep inside we will fade apart as usual…. because of communication.
Communication was never taught to be valued, my parents never taught us to appreciated and value communication. Therefore we have no mode of communication… not even text, email, Skype or any other.
My grandmother and one of my siblings asked me to come home to my birth town for Christmas because my grandmother was turning 99 and she wanted to have the whole family together again. It was her birthday wish.
I couldn’t say no to my grandmother even deep in the pit of my stomach… I wanted the world to crumble. My heart was racing and I had that horrible dreading feeling…
My mind was screaming “No no no no, no way, f$&@ no”…
I had all those visions from the past pouring out in my mind… seeing me among them feeling isolated and hating life.
My mother and I haven’t communicated in two years. What would it be like? How will we react to each other?
I went. Yep I went. I took my family home to my birth town for Christmas. I survived and I hated it. I cried for days. I became angry and frustrated. But I did it and I am not, NOT doing it again. I just can’t.
We went for 3 days and it was torture. Canberra is a beautiful town and does have many amazing things that represent Canberra. But I hate Canberra because of the memories and it’s a reminder of what my life used to be like.
The first day we all went to a picnic… supposed to be with all the cousins. We sat there on a bench trying to look useful. My husband and I prayed fiercely for rain to come… our prayers were answered but the picnic was moved to a house. We were stuck in a house, a beautiful house with one of those yoga rooms out the backyard and such a gorgeous dog.
I felt like an elephant in the house with many mice swarming around me. I felt like I was a dog being patted on the head “Good girl”. I felt really uncomfortable and unacknowledged.
The hours dragged on so slowly and it was becoming harder to bear another minute.
I hated those ‘small talks’. “Hello how are you? what are you doing now? it’s been so long”… I struggled to lipread with my one hearing aid as I needed to ‘hear’ the voice to lipread. I cannot lipread without sounds. There were too many noises in the house, too many people and too distracting…
Then there is that awkward silence… a smile and the conversation is finished. Or someone interrupting by calling out. Or I am told “Excuse me, sorry”. I am relieved yet I feel so stupid standing there not knowing what to do next.
I looked at my large hearing family with all these cousins and felt sad because I don’t know them. I don’t have a relationship with them. I am not considered important enough to them. A tear rolled down my face but I quickly wiped it away and made myself look amused.
The next day was our 13th wedding anniversary… my hearing family forgot as usual. We visited my grandmother who was in rehab, I was so relieved to see no other family members were there. Just us. Because it meant I could communicate with my grandmother without interrupting, loud chatter…
I sat with my grandmother and felt loved in her presence. She writes to me every month without fail. Her letters were always full of news about what is happening. Her letters always were written in cursive writing, oh I loved getting her letters. Her letters were my connection to my hearing family.
For a while we chatted about her family tree and my family. I sat there trying to lipread and listening to understand what she was saying. After 10 minutes I became tired but kept on watching her lips… my eyes started to burn and my mind started to become mushy.
I start to lose focus on what she was saying… picking up one word every few words. My voice started to wobble and my signing became flappy.
I always sign when I use my voice, I couldn’t speak without signing… I can’t speak on it’s own.
We had to stop and I hugged her tight, told her how much she means to me and how much I valued her letters. I looked at my grandmother, admiring her. She still dyed her hair and still dressed beautifully. Her mind is still intact and strong. Her body is frail yet she is determined to keep on living.
I left wondering if I would ever see her again after Christmas.
After that we visited my parents. Since I was there in Canberra I felt I should try and make an effort. An effort that wasn’t appreciated. As usual, me being there for 3 days wasn’t good enough. An argument occurred and the screaming started.
I stood outside waiting to leave and my youngest son, he is the only hearing child in my family, start to ‘interpreted’ the screaming. My heart sank… my youngest son ‘interpreting’… he is only 8. Yet he saw me standing there not knowing and didn’t like that I was not knowing…. he felt the need to inform me.
My children should never have to carry that burden… that responsibility to interpret anything. To keep me communicated. It is not their duty. I didn’t have children to be my ‘interpreters’ I had children because I wanted a family and I love my children for who they are.
I left in tears and feeling that heavy dread. Feeling guilty and responsible for me being ‘deaf’ and not wanting to be there. I hated that guilt feeling… it just eats you up inside, I could feel it gnawing in me… slowly gnawing and gnawing till there was nothing left to gnaw.
The third day was Christmas Day. We opened our gifts and one cousin came to join us for the day. I had gifts for everyone including the cousin. I sat there on the couch smiling, looking around.. trying to look happy. Everyone is talking, voices across the room… no one was signing except me and my husband.
My heart was shattered seeing my siblings and my parents get a gift each from my cousin but not me.
Is it because I am deaf?
Is it because I don’t ring him on the phone?
Is it because I don’t have long meaningful conversations with him?
Is it because we drifted apart as we get older?
That hurts… like a knife stabbing over and over. Not that I wanted a gift. I wanted to be included. I wanted to be communicated like my hearing family communicate with each other. I wanted to be mattered. I wanted to be seen as one of them.
As the day dragged on… laughter and endless chatter was everywhere and I wondered, wondered and wondered what it was all about.
I tried to watch their lips… too many distractions, too many noises… too fast, too hard and my eyes just burns. Whenever I look at someone, I get a smile yet they continue their conversation knowing I am standing there watching.
No one in my hearing family can sign. My father can finger spell but he’s clumsy. My mother can sign a few words but not clearly. Not enough to have a brief conversation.
At lunch I sat with the children eating my lunch, watching the children talk among themselves. I wished so much that moment, that I could hear… I wished so much I could be a part of their conversation.
I looked over to the other tables and watched the adults talk among themselves. I saw emotions on their faces and I wondered what it was about. But I knew, as usual I will never know because every time I asked… I am told “Oh it’s nothing”… “Oh we are talking about the prime minster” ….. “Oh it’s about my job”…
I wondered so often… ‘Do they ever look at me and wonder. what I am thinking? what do they know about me? why don’t they try and communicate with me?’…
I watch my mother trying to teach my children how to say a word clearly and I think to myself ‘I didn’t bring my children for you to teach them how to speak, they are deaf and signing is their language’.
Then I wondered if my mother really wanted to see me or was it my children is all she wanted to see? That I don’t know.
While sitting on the couch with my mother, my youngest daughter said to me “I find it frustrating when I ask people to repeat what they said, they say it doesn’t matter”… I tell her “If they don’t repeat what they said then they are not worth your time, find someone else who will. Communication is important for everyone.”
I told my husband we need to go. My heart was racing too much and I couldn’t bear another minute. My eldest son was becoming angry and suffocated. As we drove off, everyone waved goodbye except my mother. She resented the fact that I was there for 3 days, she felt she wasn’t important enough for us to stay longer.
I left with one new piece of information about my hearing family and that was I have a cousin who is deaf in one ear. She had been deaf in that ear for more than 40 years and I just found out when everyone else knew back then.
As a deaf person, communication is my key to survival. Communication is the most important thing to me. Without communication I am nothing.
It does hurt knowing that I will never be a real family member in my hearing family, I will always be an outsider because I am different. It doesn’t matter how hard I try to educate them about communication…. changes never occur.
Whether it is signing or not…. it is so important to include everyone even the deaf person. Yet signing makes life easier and more accessible. It doesn’t matter how well a deaf child can speak and ‘hear’… it will happen… that feeling of isolation in a hearing family…. that feeling of being unvalued.
I teach my children to communicate and to be considerate of everyone.
One day… when enough is enough, I will consider taking further action to those who told my mother not to sign with me. I will somehow change that.
It is discrimination and a deprivation of a deaf person’s right to language. No wonder mental health issues are high among us deaf people… because we are not included in a hearing family.
If you have a deaf baby…. please always sign and start now. Don’t wait till later. Do include your other children and partner. Make communication the most important thing in the deaf child’s life. Whether the child is implanted, hearing aid, speech and auditory…. always sign.
Signing does NOT… and I am telling you it is a load of crap when those so called ‘hearing experts’ say “signing will impact their speech and auditory”…because signing DOES improve their speech and auditory far better than a child without signing.
My youngest daughter is proof of that. And many other deaf children who are being signed at home.
Don’t allow deprivation, audism and surdophobia become a thing in your deaf child’s life like it does in mine.
Don’t let your deaf child grow up isolated and hating family gatherings like I do.
Don’t let your deaf child drift away from the family like I did.
Embrace signing and see it as a right for your deaf child. After all your deaf child cannot and never will be ‘hearing’. I tried… and it didn’t work.
Here is a video from a Deaf person about isolation in families:
Rebekah is a Deaf mother of three Deaf children and one hard of hearing child. “My children define me as a human being and enable me to fight for what is right. I am a passionate writer and artist, and I write with my heart and soul. I have spent the past 23 years working with deaf children and teaching Auslan/Deaf Studies to many adults. My world is the Deaf Community, without them I am nothing.”
Eve - UK
January 21, 2016
Wow. That seems horrific. I can’t get over how people can negatively effect a person’s life by just not trying. It seems so unjust on the heart. Very eloquently put. How can people not see your value as a human being and not want to connect with that is beyond me. Evex
Bridget Payne
January 21, 2016
heartwretching – but so true
Cathy
January 21, 2016
Gòodness me! This is not new! I can resonate with this story, because it is my story too!!
It is a story I have heard about, again and again!! So many deaf people in hearing families who haven’t a clue about deaf people or their communication needs. They do not bother learning to sign but they dismiss deaf family members with disdain.
I know others in the exact same predicament. We are not “ornaments” on the fireplace, we are real people with a desire to belong and be part of a family, but it doesn’t include us.
So many deaf people have said the same thing: “we are nothing” “feel like ornament” “its so boring, all talk, talk, talk!” “I’m not going again its not worth it” etc etc.
By heavens! How sad is a deaf person’s life in a hearing family? Well this story epitomises it perfectly! Sign language is nothing, but speech is king!!! Yeah right!!!
This very sad scenario has to end and I hope it ends in my lifetime, which, given our 100 yrs lifespan means just under 50yrs to impact on hearing families the pain they are inflicting on deaf family members is a pain too far and must change for the good of their health, once and for all……
Rosie Malezer
January 21, 2016
I can fully understand the author’s message. Being the only Deafie in my family, it is very isolating indeed when none of your other family members takes the time to learn to sign and communicate with you. You ask yourself why…. “Am I not worth it?” or “Am I less of a family member because they see me as broken?” It hurts a lot.
My husband (who is hearing) learned to sign just so he can communicate with me. I fell in love with him in a major way and we are about to celebrate our sixth wedding anniversary but still feel like newlyweds. It is amazing a small thing such as communication makes in any relationship… and the willingness to want to do so.
pennybsl
January 21, 2016
Whoa.
Powerful but true in many Deaf people’s lives, especially as the only Deafie in the family.
About sibling relationships…..I have one brother and one sister.
Yes, as you said, I also felt detached from them for most of my childhood and young adult years.
However, long after our parents passed away, I became the first sibling to lose a spouse through cancer. Suddenly, our sibling relationship improved tremendously, all around.
We are catching up, step by step, more use of real news face to face, also via emailing, texting and written mail.
Rebekah, please don’t give up yet on your siblings.
They may be overawed and influenced by your parents at the moment.
The ‘Better late than never’ saying is true.
Nicholas Harris
January 21, 2016
still a member of the family. the family just has some serious issues. like most. I´m sorry. but you are still a member of the family.
Diana
January 22, 2016
Becky explains the feelings so well which many deaf people feel every Christmas Day, special family gatherings etc.I grew up with a deaf family, first language being Auslan.
I married hearing, have hearing children. Now divorced I still have communication difficulties with these kind of settings. No wonder I am starting to hate Christmas. I say to myself ‘I can write well, I can speak reasonably well, I can make myself understood, I can control my students when I teach Auslan” but……still feel the lack anyway. Last Christmas before last, I was far away in another state spending time with one of my sons and his 2 children. They, after opening their presents suggested we go to the beach, fine I said… At the beach I was dismayed to see all their friends and families together, having a swim, having a beer, having a yarn. I tried my best to chat with a couple and finally I could not stop this feeling of ‘have had enough’ so I walked away and one fellow did come and talk to me and I explained to him, how difficult it was for me to ‘fit in’ explaining that it was ok with one on one conversation but with 2 or 3 people, I was lost. I said ‘It’s not your fault, it’s not my fault, that’s the way it is’ so for the rest of the afternoon, whilst everyone swam, played cricket, doing kayaking, having a good time, I sat on my own under a tree.
When my son came out of the sea with the kids, we went home. I finally told him and his lovely wife, if there is a gathering like this, please let me know so I can choose whether to stay in or go with you. He apologised but we were ok and in the evening they asked if i wanted to go with them to a BBQ, I felt free to say NO.. it’s better staying home and watching TV with captions than being ‘ignored, feeling stupid, feeling resentful etc’ As I said before, that’s the way it is…. It’s a hearing world after all…
John David Walker
January 22, 2016
Such a resonant piece of writing. I think it mirrors experiences from so many Deaf people.
The word ‘autism’ in the text looks wrong, should it be ‘audism’? It is such an important point that it needs to be put right.
Editor
January 22, 2016
Thanks John – that’s been corrected now. Charlie
Rupmani
January 22, 2016
thanks for your show your views and i am agreed with you ,, i think it that World siblings experiences from so many deaf children and people.. important used sign language
Christine Reid
January 22, 2016
Thank you for sharing this heart wrenching truth. I am a hearing mom who has been working daily to make sure this doesn’t happen for her Deaf child. This is my biggest fear, that my daughter should ever feel this way. Please know that your story motivates me, and that there are many hearing parents who are learning from the mistakes of the hearing parents before us.
Pete of CC
January 22, 2016
When I visit my family in the country, we don’t stay there long. The whole family gets together to “catch up” but there is so much chatter and they are talking about their local issues and jokes and one liners that I am on the outside looking in. I put up with that and then make arrangements to meet each family at their own home, because it is easier to converse with them there. Also, at their home they have time for me and talk to me in the way that they won’t talk to me when they are together – almost like it is a rule not to speak clearly to me and make every effort to include me when the whole family gets together. I am excluded on two levels – one is because of my hearing impairment and the other is because I am not a local boy any more. That’s just the way it is. I made the choice when i was 17 to leave and to only visit as often as required. I’m in my 50’s now and it is still an issue. Maybe if I had stayed the communication could still have been there but then, I feel I would have been told over and over again how to live my own life and in a country town EVERYONE knows what you do in your life. It is sad but that’s the mechanics of what happens.
Janice
January 24, 2016
Same with me. U not only one left out with hearing family. I grow up with hearing family and other side cousins all don’t know sign language . I had been so lonely child is me is hard for me went thru my life.
Alexis
January 25, 2016
I think this can be true of any language barrier, i have spent hours, just quietly watching others talk and laugh, repeting in a diffrent language is too much work, stopping to translate rather then be part of the conversation i work.. no one wants to. And no one wants to speak so i can understand, ive been trying to learn their language for 5 years. Its difficult. No one wants to take the time to help me. No place in my state teaches classes. One college about 2k miles away does. But not online. I know how frustrating it can be. But, now imagine. All those hearing people can sign. And, do sign daily. But, never in front of you
Thats my life i have family/”friends” that do know how. And have to at work, but refuse to, even i i am there. I keep hoping ill absorbed more words. I speak like. Toddler now.
Except a few phrases, i know just a few words not enough to converse.
I think… wait no.. i know its isolating when no one will tak the time.
( by th way, the not repeating thing, all people do that, if the info wasn’t pertanent, and you missed something, most people say, something like ” oh you kniw, just work” or something.)
Anyway, we are almost in the same boat. ‘Living’ in two cultures in two worlds.
The diffrence, as soon as i can learn the language of my second world, things change. I might still be shy or afraid ill make Mistakes at first fist, but ill get over it. But, you wont but able to do that, becuse as you say. You can’t learn to hear.
Karen
January 25, 2016
Question. Why do some deaf people become so upset when hearing people in service industry try to sign? I know how to sign a few things that are helpful. If i sign wrong or offend, maybe instead i can be corrected. But being told ” don’t sign to me, i have interpreter” makes me feel i should not sign. I keep hearing how isolating being deaf is. I want to learn more sign. But, when people get upset, it makes me discouraged. I haven’t learned new signs in a very long time.
jdrochelle
January 28, 2016
We had a deaf foster daughter for two years. She was five when she came to us and had three words- “no”, “yes”, and “restroom, all signs. She came to us from another foster home where she had to be removed. CPS was already in process of getting her a CI and so she got that when she’d been with us four months. I’d already realized that was the WRONG move but foster parents have very little room to advocate and NO decision making rights. She was just beginning to flourish in her sign as our whole family was learning together! What a joy it was to watch her experience language! I have vivid memories of her beginning to “speak”, to communicate!
When she got the CI we were obligated to start speech therapy and “advices” by the therapist to stop all signing. I refused! Why would we take away language when we’d just begun giving it to her!?!? Especially since research showed that the CI would only give her at most the ability to “hear” things like car horns and and LOUD “noises”. It would take years for her to learn to process speech and the likely hood of her developing understandable speech was… Well I mean think about it!
There was no way I was going to take communication away from her…again. And I didn’t! We did therapy and I faithfully daily did her exercises. And the CI was helpful in that she was deaf living in a hearing family that as much as we were trying we just didn’t think of everything all the time and we didn’t have the connections and resources (yet!) and we were constantly fighting the ignorance of CPS who listened to the “professionals”! So her attending to sudden “noises” at least helped in independence and safety. We also continued ALL learning sign! My oldest son who came to us as a newborn when our foster daughter almost six became proficient in sign by the time he was two!
My husband I had a harder time though. When she was seven and up for adoption we made the heart wrenching choice to not adopt her, even though we “had first dibs” and loved her dearly! We knew though that as hard as we were trying our sign language wasn’t keeping up with her’s or progressing fast enough to keep at a level that would benefit her. She was doing a wonderful job “playing catch up” (in MANY developmental areas) from the first five years of her life, in two years! She was going to need more proficient signers sooner then our learning ability was projecting!
Her adoption story is so beautiful to me! We had a CPS worker tell us once that because of her deafness and other issues “she was unadoptable”. Instead she had THREE (in addition to us!) families wanting to adopt her! I can attest that she was definitely supposed to be a part of the forever family that she was adopted into! The perfect fit! Her adoptive Mama is hearing, but she is the only hearing member of her entire growing up family and signs as a first language. Her adoptive family is deaf, the only deaf member of his growing up family and grew up oral learning to sign as a young adult. She has three adoptive siblings who are all hearing but who all sign because they are a signing family right down to Grandparents!
She was just over seven when she left us for her forever family. She signs so fluently now that when we get to visit with her, most of her communication to me has to be interpreted for me. Well and most of my communication to her has to be interpreted to her! And I love it! I love it because THAT is what I wanted for her! I wanted her to have language! Language to connect with others and to show the world who she is.
Diana
February 1, 2016
Bless you for what you have done for this girl….