Growing up, I’ve been told my deafness has become progressively worse. How much ‘worse’ it you get when you’ve been profoundly Deaf from birth is beyond me.
Wearing hearing aids from eight months old to the sweet age of sixteen sounds the same to me. From my big sister screeching “Michellllllle” to the tinkle of my wee, yup sounds about right.
I had an impulse one day to try hearing aids again. I know what this is going to mean. It means I’m going to have to make the dreaded trip down to the audiologists.
I comfort myself with the thought that surely they won’t be as bad as my childhood days. Those trips to the audiologists were enough to scar me for life. Poking and prodding to fit my ear moulds deeper & deeper til they “accidentally” pricked my ear drum. Cue a bawling red-faced child clinging on to her mum for dear life.
What were they doing you might be thinking? They were trying to stop the whistling from my hearing aids. The whistling that no matter how fast I ran, chased me around the playground, followed me skipping down supermarket aisles and even echoed in the public toilets as I sat innocently swinging my legs.
They claimed the deeper the ear moulds, the less my hearing aids would whistle. Nothing worked. Years later, a student Deaf audiologist assistant made my ear moulds comfortably tighter to prevent air going in. That whistling that hunted me down for half of my life? Gone. In a split second.
I walked into the audiology reception.
Signing, I said: “Hi, I’m deaf”.
The receptionist’s eyes widened. Looking at me like I’d grown another head overnight.
After what felt like an eternity, I looked at her with a kind of “well?” expression and she started spluttering & stuttering, making her go all red in the face. Time to put the lady out of her misery I thought as I gestured for a pen/paper. Relief washed over her.
After writing down my details, I asked her to wave me over when the audiologist called out my name & sat myself down in the waiting room.
I spotted one of my favourite magazines on the rack. Fought the urge to flick through seeing as I would have to wait for my turn with my eyes glued to the front. The girl on the front cover is wearing an amazing dress. Wonder where it’s from? That dress would look really good with those shoes I bought last week. But I can’t read a damn thing with quick glances. Darn it. I make a note to myself to have a look after my appointment.
The audiologist came out.
Great, I thought as I saw a guy mumbling with what looked like a hairy slug across the top of his lips. Not just any ordinary moustache, a big fat one. Every lipreader’s nightmare. Just great. I glanced over at the reception, looking for a sign that this man may be calling my name. Nothing. Hairy slug guy is looking at me now still mumbling. After the fifth mumble, I gestured “Me?”, well I was the only one left in the waiting room, and he nodded.
The hearing test alone is enough to leave you looking like a lunatic. Frantically looking up around your head to see where all the beeping & honking sounds are coming from. I can’t see any pretty cartoon birds flying above. Nor do I remember banging my head. Then I remember. It’s the echoes in my ears from the hearing test that’ll hound me for the rest of the day.
Hairy slug guy sat down.
“I’m sorry” he says “your Deafness has deteriorated, so much that it is off our charts”. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Cry with laughter. “Sorry,” he said. Sorry for what? For me or for you? Sorry that I’m “broken” or sorry that you can’t “fix” me? Someone really should tell him to shush.
The audiologist went on to say that the VERY expensive top of the range hearing aids would be wasted on someone who would only gain so little benefit. “I don’t want an expensive digital hearing aid” I explained “an old analogue hearing aid will do me perfectly” Only to learn that analogue hearing aids have been discontinued. My heart sank. Just like that time the lady with the thick orange make up at Boots told me that ‘Baby Cham’ lipstick was no more.
Some idiot “genius” created digital hearing aids. Now I’m not slating them. It’s just that they don’t work for me. I’m no expert but I think they’re best suited for people who have heard/recognised actual sounds before. Apparently you need to train your brain to get used to the sounds.
But I’ve been wearing analogue hearing aids since I was eight months old. People who have lost their hearing strive to get their hearing back, but I just wanted the sounds I heard as a little kid back, the few sounds that I only know too well. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
Especially one that’s just officially been diagnosed as Deaf as a doorknob.
The giant hairy slug started wriggling again & I could make out the words ‘Cochlear Implant’. Nothing new there, the medical “answer” to everything these days. I stood up, thanked him kindly and walked out with my head held high.
Someone once told me that audiologists were ‘failed dentists’. To be a dentist you’d have to get an A to get on the dentistry course, anything below and you’re left with the audiology option. A second best choice.
I’d hate to label audiologists but I’ve yet to meet one with a passion for their ‘customers,’ deaf people.
You’d think in this day & age, they’d at least add some basic Deaf awareness & sign language training as part of the profession. Hard to believe the answer is, in the majority of places, they don’t.
That was my last ever trip to the audiologist.
I’ll never hear the sounds of birds singing, waves crashing on the beach or a piano tinkling away. Or the sound of an ice cream van jingle as a little girl. I’ll never hear someone munching crisps loudly at the cinema, the sounds of screaming babies or a thunderstorm when you’re trying to sleep at night.
Who cares, how can I yearn for something I’ve never heard? I’ve never known better. Or worse for that matter. I enjoy watching sunsets, having a peaceful night sleep. And I learned how to tell the time quicker than other kids so I’d never miss the ice cream van.
So when people ask what is deafness, that is why the last words to come out of my mouth is “oh it means you can’t hear.” That may be a hearing person’s answer, but it’s not mine.
When you’ve never heard anything before, why would you say you can’t hear? If I asked someone what is ‘hearing,’ they wouldn’t say “it means I can’t not hear.” Deafness is not necessarily a bad thing.
I don’t need to hear things to feel I belong. I don’t belong to an exclusive club of who can or who can’t. There’s no label for who I am. I’m just me.
As for that amazing dress on the cover of the magazine, damn it, I forgot all about it. At least the boyfriend, aka our bank manager, will be pleased…
Michelle Quayle grew up in Manchester and currently lives in Derby. She works for a Deaf charity and recently discovered the world of tweeting & blogging, which she calls “an outlet for my ranting & raving, and quite possibly an anchor for my relationship after my boyfriend declared “why can’t you be normal?!” She’s 27 and was born Deaf into a Deaf family. Her dream is to become a Teacher of the Deaf. She says “all views expressed here are the makings of my very own limited edition mind, as my Dad likes to call it.” Check out her blog, Geeky Dumb Blonde, by clicking here and follow her on her Twitter account.
Liz
February 28, 2012
Yes Audiologists need the deaf wareness training. Recently when I last attended because one of my hearing aids wasn’t working on me. I did not hear my name being called, and I did not lipread the person calling me, to see it was me. So I thought it was someone elses turn, until when she came back from round receptionist, she asked me my name and I told her. Her reply was I ahve been calling you. I replied back, I’m deaf, so how am I supposed to hear you, and I did not see your lips when you called, so couldn’t lipread.
Anonymous
February 29, 2012
Paediatric Audiology? Good enough. (except when some beancounter made them send moulds to the NHS’s in-house service rather than contracting out to a local private audiologist and Switzerland) Probably because they dealt with school children with relatively severe hearing losses at key developmental stages.
Adult Audiology?
No deaf awareness at Audiology reception and pillars in waiting room. Quite frankly their attitude was one of expecting geriatic patients with chaperones – shocked to see a young deaf person on their own. As for actual service?
Well, on my first appointment, they tested me and told me to come back in 2 weeks for a digital aid fitting. While holding my existing, superior, digital aid – fitted by Paediatrics and in my notes – in their hand throughout the appointment.
Eventually a fault forced me to go back. Had someone phone for an appointment to get it fixed (no more turning up and getting it sorted on the spot as Paeds did). Told to go to the Hearing Aid Clinic. First appointment – 2 weeks time. Fortunately Paeds had given me a spare off-the-record.
Got to appointment. Eventually the technician comes along. Turns out he does not fix hearing aids – only does moulds, tubes and batteries. But while he has my hearing aid out (my only source of hearing) he then proceeds to moan at me for missing appointments which I was never informed of. Told I will have to see an audiologist to get it fixed. First appointment? Another 2 weeks.
Turn up again for 8:30am appointment. Eventually told after waiting for half an hour that the computer system is down and they’re not taking appointments (quite why the audiologist can’t even use their equipment to look at it anyway isn’t explained). Told to go home and another appointment will be made. For 2 weeks time.
So after 6 weeks, finally see someone who an supposedly fix it. Their solution. Just give me a new hearing aid out of the drawer and programme it from scratch. Programme not as good as the programme on old Paeds aid. Audiologist says I’ll get used to it eventually.
Just as well I wasn’t in Higher Education and working. Oh wait, I was.
A year later. Another fault with aid. Phone NHS Audiology again. Told no appoinments until next week. But I have a presentation to deliver before then. Phone the private audiology clinic mentioned at beginning. Had long given up on NHS moulds and gone back to the private audiologist (on advice of Paeds audiologists!) so already had a good relationship with them. They said no problem, come in first thing tomorrow morning and we will sort something for you.
They agreed to fix my broken aid. They also agreed to copy the programme from the broken one on to the working one to replace the rubbish programme the adult audiologist had made the previous year. For some reason, they couldn’t get the process to the work. So they dug out a spare aid of the same type out of their cupboards and copied it onto that instead for me to use in the meantime. All done by 9am. Less than a week later, they had fixed the broken one and replaced the bad progamme on my spare aid with the good one from the broken one. Cost £120 but well worth paying.
Now that I am working full time in a demanding career. I simply cannot rely on the local rude and incompetent NHS Audiology service anymore and I will not be going back. Instead, I will be going to someone who always treats me as a valued customer and LISTENS (amazing how many audiologists think they know my hearing better than I do) to the feedback I give them. I may have to pay a little but I save far more by not being off work.
perceptualaudio
February 29, 2012
Great post. There’s a response on my blog here: http://t.co/uQeP2nTb
Editor
February 29, 2012
A very interesting response – thank you for letting us know a bit of background on audiology and why some of these things happen! Best Charlie
Ian Noon
February 29, 2012
My audiology services were rubbish when I was a child and my experiences were so negative that I didn’t bother going for check ups during my university years. That said, once I moved to London and started going to Charing Cross Hospital, I was really pleased. Finally, I was being seen by people with good deaf awareness and who actually asked me what I thought and what I wanted. They even explained what an audiogram was!
My point is that there are some good audiologists out there – and hopefully the weaker ones will start to pick up.
Ian
EveryDeafMan
March 1, 2012
This is an excellent article. You have hit the nail on the head Michelle. This is a shared experience by thousands of deaf people
My local Adult Audiology department haven’t had a minicom working for over 2 years and I asked what the problem was. They said the minicom parts were obsolete. I have never “heard” a worse excuse in my life. I showed them Action on Hearing Loss & Connevans shop and this went over their heads. If the minicom was broken then surely the old one would be insured?
I cannot believe how patronising they are its scary. Apparently my the instincts I had as a kid seem to be spot on(!) The lack of basic deaf awareness seems to be a universal trait amongst the profession.
I have a lot of suspicions about digital hearing aids. A consultant said I was too deaf. But having tried them on I find a lot of benefits. It shuts out background noise so I don’t get tinnitus like I would on analogue hearing aids. It is good at picking out voices etc.
However the problem is that they are TOO quiet, not just quiet but SUSPICIOUSLY QUIET.
so I ask for a better model. I couldnt hear anything so asked for it to be louder. It was weird. Like an icecream van playing in the background. After several visits to audiologist nothing worked.
I asked my hard of hearing mate to try them and he said they are broken. He confirmed that they were making strange noises.
This begs the question why the audiologist never picked this up,
Why am I being forced to play a “cat and mouse” game ?
I suspect its because it allows them to ask the feared question ‘Do you want to go down the cochlear route?’