Today, I did something I’ve never done before…
I woke up with a pounding headache. My tinnitus was wailing like a Banshee and I knew I had a training course to deliver. I dragged myself out of bed, took some painkillers and the first of my daily betahistine dihydrochloride tablets and got myself ready for work.
Luckily, there was only a small number of people on the training course and the session involved a fair bit of individual attention from me to each of the learners so, despite their voices having to compete with the Banshees’, I managed OK. Keeping up with the direction of different voices and trying to hone in to do lip reading for the discussion part of the session – as well as remembering all the information I needed to impart- did take its toll and by the end of the second hour, I felt exhausted.
When it was over, the headache was back with a vengeance and I just felt I needed a ‘time out’. So, what was it I did that I’ve never done before? Well, two things really: firstly, I took myself off to my favourite cafe and I decided to have lunch alone. Usually, I would feel too self conscious to go into a cafe to eat on my own but today I didn’t care. I felt I needed to go somewhere to be nourished.
The cafe is such a haven of peace and tranquility that just being there puts me into a good mood before I’ve even tasted the food. I love the cosy feel, the pretty, homely decor and the cheery staff. As I peeped through the door to see if there were any tables free, I realised the one and only armchair by the counter was free: I took it as an omen that I was meant to go in and have some ‘me’ time.
I placed my order and once it arrived I did the second thing I’ve not done before in a public place when alone – I took out my hearing aids. Oh, it was bliss! I treated myself to the luxury of peace and quiet in a busy, bustling place. No clanking of cutlery on china. No trying to keep up with a conversation over the noise of background chatter. This was just what my aching head needed – silence.
Ordinarily, I feel panicky if I’m on my own and I suddenly can’t hear anything (like when my hearing aid batteries run out unexpectedly) but today, I embraced the lack of sound. Normally, I feel like I am continually trying so hard to hear all the time: actively ‘not listening’ was a revelation. It’s as though I had given myself permission to not listen out for anything. I just knew this would help ease my headache. Nothing bad was going to happen here so I didn’t need to listen out for anything, my senses had no need to be on ‘red alert’. I felt truly relaxed for the first time in a long while.
I enjoyed my lunch and caught up with friends on Twitter. I love how social media can instantly connect me with people without me needing to hear them. It gives me such a sense of freedom.
After a while, I realised the cafe had emptied. “I bet it’s quietened down now,” I thought and briefly considered putting my hearing aids back in – but I didn’t.
The next customers to come in were a couple in their late forties/early fifties. They were signing to each other. The man was looking at the specials board and signing the specials to his partner: another advantage to being deaf – you can communicate over distances without shouting.
I feel that after a year since becoming deafened, I am starting to have a different relationship with my deafness. Perhaps this is the ‘acceptance’ part of the grieving process I’ve read about.
I left the cafe feeling a hundred times better than when I’d entered and I know I will do this again. This was so much nicer than eating my lunch in my office and it was actually more relaxing than having lunch with a friend. So, the next time I feel overwhelmed by sounds or exhausted from lip reading – and when I need peace and quiet rather than company – I’ll be back in my favourite cafe, in a world of my own.
Angie is journalist, food and travel writer, photographer and co-founder of #Yorkshirehour on Twitter – as well as having a full-time job in local government. She’s also a wife, chicken-keeper, gardener, foodie and WI member, living in Glorious Yorkshire. Angie started going deaf in one ear at the age of 30, then suffered total sudden onset hearing loss in her ‘good’ ear in 2011. Her husband and her chickens keep her sane – or as close as she’s gonna get! You can check out her website, blog, twitter account, Facebook and Linked In.
The Limping Chicken is supported by Deaf media company Remark!, training and consultancy Deafworks, provider of sign language services Deaf Umbrella, the National Deaf Children’s Society’s Look, Smile Chat campaign, and the National Theatre’s captioned plays.
Liz
August 7, 2012
Hi Angie – I remember having problems with my tinnitus and headaches when I was at school – it was horrible! Taking hearing aids out is bliss after a long and noisy day. Its interesting that a lot of us can just switch off and be without sound – sometimes for day on end if you feel like it! It means I can focus on writing without any annoying background disturbances, especially if I go to Cafes to write.
Georgina Robinson
August 7, 2012
Isn’t it funny how we see it as a luxury not to wear our aids? I love a bit of peace and quiet. A couple of weeks ago I deliberately went to the supermarket without them in, it was bliss not having to hear the background noise of the massive store. That was until a colleague popped over to say hello and introduced his wife to me. She must think I’m very odd, or possibly very rude, as I said very little and won’t have responded correctly to anything either of them said. The following day, at work, he commented on how ‘spaced’ I had seeemed, at which point I could have just said I was hungover or under the weather or something. I decided to be honest instead and said, “I couldn’t hear a word you’d said, I didn’t have my hearing aids in.” I figure I’d rather people think I’m forgetful than I have a drink problem.
Lana Senchal
August 7, 2012
NIce to have people like above saying it is peaceful being Deaf. Look around the Deaf look years younger than hearing people – of course no stress with noises etc
Moi
August 7, 2012
Yup, this is why I love being Deaf. The peace and quiet that comes with it. My hearing family gets quite a bit jealous that I have a good night’s sleep when there are noises out of their control, i.e., thunderstorms, fireworks, dogs barking, etc. During the day, I don’t have to look for quiet – it is natural. My family has to look for quiet – like you did in a cafe.
Ahhh. I think I will go take a nap now. 🙂
Angie
August 8, 2012
Thank you for your lovely comments!
Moi – I can’t say I ‘love’ being deaf – far from it – but I’m trying to embrace any positive aspects I can find!
I went back to the cafe on my own again last week. Ahh! Bliss.
Emma
August 11, 2012
An interesting article Angie – highlighting the issue of tinnitus and headaches that seem to go hand in hand with deafness.
Indeed taking our our hearing aids (or removing our CI) does bring relief from having to constantly work out noise – but for me tinnitus often replaces sound, so it was also be a relief to put the blessed things back on to give my brain something to concentrate on.
Angie Aspinall
August 14, 2012
Hi Emma. I get that too. I find the tinnitus is much harder to deal with than the deafness. Every morning now I wake with pounding in both ears. Different pitches and rhythms. I often press the bedside radio to my head on almost full volume to distract me. Chris Evans is such a tonic in a morning, I find it really helpsthis tract me away from the tinnitus. He’s such a positive and upbeat person that he puts me in a good mood to start the day too!
Harry monroe
August 24, 2012
As a rertired Hearing Aid Audiologist, I spent my professional life helping people getting the maximum from their residual hearing and hearing aids. However I often counselled them that a period without the aids in was necessary to retain their ‘sanity’….just like I am pleased to be taking off my glasses at the end of the day, or even kicking-off my shoes, and wandering about barefoot after a long day of walking around.
Angie
September 4, 2012
Thanks Harry!