In an uncertain world, there’s one person you can turn to for dependable advice: the limping chicken. Offering sensible advice for all kinds of common deaf-related problems. Without further ado, here’s the first instalment of our new ‘agony chicken’ column…
J, Taunton, says:
I’ve become more deaf over the past couple of years and as a result, I now wear hearing aids.
At one point, I gave up watching television as I found it hard to understand it all (even with hearing aids). But then one of my friends told me about subtitles, and I tried it out. They’ve changed everything!
Subtitles took getting used to, but now I read them without thinking about it.
Just one problem.
In the evening, when my husband gets home, he won’t let me turn the subtitles on. He says they are too distracting.
So there’s all these programmes I want to watch – but I can’t understand them.
I usually just end up wandering upstairs to read my book. It’s driving a wedge between us.
Should I do something about it? I’m going out of my mind with how inconsiderate he is. And I’m getting a bit bored of my books.
The chicken says:
When this chicken read your email, a small tear rolled down my beak.
You poor, poor woman. You didn’t say whether your husband is selfish in other areas of your life, as well as when it comes to subtitles, but we’re betting he’s the kind of guy who puts empty milk bottles back in the fridge of a morning.
You’ve got two options. The first is the nuclear option – leave him. But that’s fairly extreme. Do you love him? If so, you might want to try something else first: putting your foot down.
Tell him that if you can’t have subtitles on, then he’s not watching television at all. Turn it off. Take the plug out.
He may be a bit startled, but then you can tell him how bored you’ve been and how unfair it is that you’re stuck reading books (boring) while he gets to watch Phil and Kirsty flog more houses (infinitely more exciting).
You may have a row, and he may storm out. You can then turn on the television and watch Location Location Location with full access – for an hour at least.
After that, if he still doesn’t see the error of his ways, and goes back to non-subtitled TV, then you may wish to consider said nuclear option: going your separate ways.
If you choose to move on, then we recommend you find a nice Deaf guy (there’s plenty around) or a more understanding hearing chap who you can snuggle up with to watch as many subtitled programmes as you want.
Do you agree with the chicken’s advice? Tell us what YOU would do below!
Please send your problems for consideration to: thelimpingchicken@gmail.com
Enjoying our eggs? Support The Limping Chicken:
The Limping Chicken is the world's most popular Deaf blog, and is edited by Deaf journalist, screenwriter and director Charlie Swinbourne.
Our posts represent the opinions of blog authors, they do not represent the site's views or those of the site's editor. Posting a blog does not imply agreement with a blog's content. Read our disclaimer here and read our privacy policy here.
Find out how to write for us by clicking here, and how to follow us by clicking here.
The site exists thanks to our supporters. Check them out below:
- BSL Zone: TV programmes in BSL for the Deaf community
- Deaf Umbrella: what support is available for deaf students?
- Bellman & Symfon: home alerting solutions, including the mobile phone transceiver!
- SignVideo: Instant BSL video interpreting online
- SignHealth: check out the BSL health library
- 999 BSL: call 999 in an emergency, in BSL
- Appa: Looking for RSLIs, TSLIs and CSWs, apply here!
- Signly: Adding BSL to websites
- Signworld: Learn BSL online!
- DCAL: world-class research into deafness, cognition and language
- Action Deafness: “A Deaf-Led Charity” – interpreting & community support services
- Sign Solutions: Instant access to Interpreters, training and BSL translation nationwide
- InterpretersLive: On demand BSL video interpretation
- Lipspeaker UK: specialist lipspeaking support
- BID: Deaf services, including advice and support, interpreting, employment and letters
- Performance Interpreting: BSL interpreting at concerts
- National Deaf Children's Society: The leading charity for deaf children
Annette
May 23, 2013
I would find a time you have his full attention, not switching the Tv off as that will instantly put him in a bad mood, maybe over a meal or straight after. Then start with ‘When you don’t allow me to have the subtitles on the Tv it makes me feel ……. Sad, isolated from you or the outside world as I miss so much …….’ this way you are not attacking him but explaining how his actions affect you. Good luck.
staciijaiime
May 23, 2013
Awww poor you. I used to have this problem with my dad and sometimes with my long term boyfriend. I used to make them wear earplugs and wrap a bandage round their heads and make them watch their fave show with the volume on a bit low now they understand why I need subtitles. Sit him down and talk to him as explain if not try the method above if still not why not get a TV and digibox in your room ? He might be like “why you watching TV without me ?” And see the error of his inconsiderate ways
Robert Mandara
May 23, 2013
Is this article a hoax? I can’t believe it’s genuine in the 21st century.
If your husband won’t let you turn the subtitles on, why do you let him turn the sound on? Isn’t it equally distracting?
Your husband either doesn’t understand or care how important subtitles are for you. If he understands but doesn’t care, I’d leave him. An alternative solution is to buy another TV that you could watch in another room, or watch catch-up TV with iPlayer and subtitles on a computer. Perhaps you could get an induction loop so that you can at least hear the TV better?
Editor
May 23, 2013
It’s totally genuine Robert – cheers Charlie, Ed
staciijaiime
May 23, 2013
I used to have this problem with my dad and long term boyfriend but I managed to get them to sit and watch their fave show on low volume and wear ear plugs and a padded bandaged wrapped round their head and now I rarely hear arguments over using the subtitles. Why not ask him to try that ? Or sit him down and talk to him about it if that gets now where then why not get a cheap tv from Asda and a digibox and watch telly in your room he might be like “why you watching it up here and not downstairs with me?” And you can say “will you let me have subtitles?” And keep doing it till he gives in ?
KH
May 23, 2013
If he won’t let you have access to the TV with subtitles then deny him access to the TV by turning the sound off! See how he likes it.
Alison
May 23, 2013
A classic example of domestic abuse. That’s all it boils down to, they’re allowed access to information – you are not. Control freak and bullying, anyone? I’ve also known it happen where a husband has refused a loop system in the room, as it’ll spoil the decor.
alisonbryan
May 23, 2013
A classic example of domestic abuse. That’s all it boils down to, they’re allowed access to information – you are not. Control freak and bullying, anyone? I’ve also known it happen where a husband has refused a loop system in the room, as it’ll spoil the decor.
barakta
May 23, 2013
I agree strongly with this comment. The forms that domestic abuse takes against deaf and disabled people is often ‘denial of access’ or similar using the disability as another way to get a person.
elburto
June 10, 2013
I agree. I’m worried sick that most responses seem to be along the lines of “Get your own telly, that’ll show him!” She has a tv already and deserves to watch it.
J – this is ableist abuse. Your husband, the man who presumably made a pledge to honour you “in sickness and in health”, is denying you entertainment/information and even that most crucial thing, a sense of normality.
This is serious. You need to tell him that his stance is hurting you, that he’s depriving you of something that you enjoy, something that makes you forget your problems, if only for half an hour, or whatever.
If you don’t feel safe bringing that up then you really need to consider why you feel like that. You should never have to be scared of someone you love, and you should never have to put up with ableism (or any other abuse) in your own home.
Take care.
Kathy Coutanche
May 23, 2013
Take away something he enjoys.
Does he wear glasses? Hide them so he can’t enjoy the paper or watch TV.
Hide his car keys. ‘What, you want it to move as well? Can’t you just enjoy sitting in it?’
Cut one leg off all his trousers. ‘But you can still enjoy half the benefit, dear.’
Alternatively set the TV up the way you want it, then remove the batteries from the remote (and everything else in the house, if need be).
If he still can’t see how selfish he’s being, leave him.
Layne Whittaker
May 23, 2013
My 4 year old daughter has more sense and makes sure she puts subtitles on for her daddy, even if he’s not 🙂
Lois
May 23, 2013
have a TV in your own room is the simplest solution, as you dont sit together just now, it wont matter. if you want to sit in the same room, disable the remote, turn off the sound, talk to him through his favourite programme – I am sure that you can think of ways to annoy him without expenses. Forget to pay the licence and then no tv and you watch on the computer. if you can fit it up, a room loop is quite good but need the subtitles for some programmes where the speech is poor.
Deafil's Advocate
May 23, 2013
Send the bugger to Coventry! Turn the sound off until he relents. Failing that give him the cold shoulder & deny him access to speaking with you, etc. After all, he is denying you access & let’s see how he likes it when the ball is on the other foot.
Editor
May 23, 2013
Coventry? That’s so cruel! Charlie, Ed
Lana
May 23, 2013
This bloke is completely thoughtless, selfish, cruel and horrible – no subtitles = DIVORCE on the ground of cruelty and mental abuse
Ken Webb
May 23, 2013
As a family with a deaf member as part of it, we always have subtitles turned on, after a while you become used to having them on screen and ignore them. They enable a deaf person to be a part of the family and prevent them feeling even more isolated.
Feeling isolated during a social event is bad enough, people often don’t know there is a deaf person in their presence, and even if they do, they don’t know how to communicate with them. This can leave the deaf person feeling very alone and often leads to them not attending such events.
In their own home, anything that helps should be used. Visible stimulus is one of the senses that provide information.
If you love the person you will do anything to include them.
Use the nuclear option!!
deafnotdaft
May 23, 2013
Steal his money while he isn’t looking and use it to by a second telly.
Carrie
May 23, 2013
Subtitles won’t distract him for long – and really, what a selfish attitude. Here we have the full works for much of the time – subtitles and audio description. And yet everyone manages perfectly well, without being horribly distracted by any access stuff they are not using. He needs to get over himself.
Linda Parkin
May 23, 2013
As others have said, this is not about deafness, this is about power and control within the relationship. Maybe take him to Relate to talk through some of these issues?
(I’m lucky, my husband has always been hard of hearing, and I’m rapidly catching up with him – subtitles for the win!)
Janner
May 23, 2013
Go down the pub, most pubs have the music on and tv volume down. Making use of the captions so you can see what is being said at all times of the day. Plus you know, you can partake in a cheeky wee tipple as well 🙂
Phoghat
May 24, 2013
What kind of dirt bag did you marry in the first place???
wix4ever
May 24, 2013
Make a plasticine effigy of him and every evening stick pins in it while making a sinister whining noise punctuated with plenty of throaty gurgles. Here’s the thing. Make sure he sees you doing this but don’t let him know you know he knows. Even if this doesn’t fix the problem, it’ll be more fun that watching TV, with or without subbies. Voodoo. You know it makes sense.
Deafil's Advocate
May 24, 2013
Put the TV into storage & put a radio in its place. And wait for the fireworks to begin! Being pig headed he will complain about this state of affairs and you can politely point out that he does not need any visual input since he can hear. Likewise you need visual input (ie. subtitles) because you can’t hear.
iheartsubtitles
May 28, 2013
I am saddned that this even came in to the chicken as a question but some of the comments in response are priceless and I can’t stop laughing!
goesaranandaran
May 28, 2013
Turn the sound off and explain to him that when you don’t have subtitles on, this is the equivalent to him not being able to turn the sound on.
Begin covering your mouth to speak with him, when he can’t hear you or see what your saying, and mentions it, just say “Oh? This is what it’s like when I am forced to watch TV without subtitles.”
I love Subtitles
May 28, 2013
I would suggest buy a second television. Seriously.
Samuel Donovan
May 29, 2013
I can’t imagine tv with no captions. Have been using it for almost 20 years. As for the insensitive clod who finds captions “distracting” tell him “TOUGH!!” If that doesn’t work fill his ears with cement while he sleeps. 😉
Mel
May 29, 2013
Why fight over the subtitles on the TV, your husbanad would watch? Get another TV set and set up the closed captioning and watch from this set, leaving the one without CC to him. That would bring the peace with husband during the evening watching. Two TV sets in same room..
elburto
June 10, 2013
She’s already got a telly, she doesn’t need another one.
If your partner told you that you weren’t allowed the passwords for your home internet, then what would you do? Would you pay to get another phone line put in, then get a contract with another ISP? I doubt it.
Mary Yamada
May 30, 2013
He’s a dick. I like where the guys here say to get your own TV set, or even your laptop has the capability to watch a movie with subtitles while in the same room with him watching his stuff on the regular TV. And yes, he’s a dick.
Juliette
June 1, 2013
As someone who depends on subtitlesI totally agree with most of the comments , even laughed at some! I’m also apalled at the husband’s attitude. I do wonder if the poor wife can afford a second tv let alone be allowed one? Whoever you are, I’m on your side and hope one way or another you are able to watch subtitled tv.
BSL Guy
June 2, 2013
Get one of those smart TVs that can lock subtitles on permanent ‘on’ and forget the access code. Done and dusted!
Mel
June 2, 2013
where have you been? I posted this few days ago and you are slow in replying to this. Another thing, setting up subtitles and lock it, then forget the access code. I do not think so !! There is no access code on TELEVISION, I meant television.. You try find the access code !!
elburto
June 10, 2013
My tv has an access code for changing settings. Just because you haven’t encountered something, that doesn’t mean it isn’t real!
My colour settings are locked down so that visitors can’t muck about with them, the channel layout is locked, and yes – subtitles are on permanently.
I’m not d/Deaf but have sensory impairments as a result of some brain damage, and often my listening comprehension is poor, especially if I’m tired.
My dad has industrial deafness so I grew up with subtitles anyway, always popping ‘888’ in as programmes started, and getting angry when they didn’t have captions.
Jill
October 21, 2014
How did I miss this article? Please someone tell me that ‘J from Taunton’ has divorced the b****** or hired a fork-lift truck to drop the telly on his head
queenie
July 29, 2016
“You’ve got two options. The first is the nuclear option – leave him. But that’s fairly extreme.”
And being a dick to your disabled spouse isn’t extreme? He knows why she needs to have subtitles on, it’s not a stylistic preference for her. Still, he doesn’t care and continues to put his wants over her needs. If he’s willing to be this blatantly selfish and callous over this, imagine his reaction towards doing anything for his wife that actually requires effort and sacrifice on his part. Being asked to learn sign language to communicate to his wife? Forget about it. Cough up money for cochlear implants? You’re on your own, sweetie. He’s an asshole, plain and simple. And like others have pointed out, this is abusive behavior. He’s taking advantage of your disability to deprive you of the little things that bring you joy. A truly loving husband wouldn’t dare contemplate preventing his hearing impaired wife from watching TV with subtitles because he finds it “distracting”. What kind of jerk is that?
Leave him before his selfish ways start becoming harmful to your well being. I don’t get why people are so reluctant to encourage people to break up with/divorce assholes. These types of people are incorrigibly awful. Leave them! Don’t waste your time trying to “work things out” if they’re giving you hell, because it doesn’t take a genius to know you don’t demonstrate love for your partner by deliberately disrespecting them and disregarding their needs.