In an uncertain world, there’s one person you can turn to for dependable advice: the limping chicken. Offering sensible tips for all kinds of common deaf-related problems. Here’s the second instalment of our new ‘agony chicken’ column…
A, London asks:
I broke up with my boyfriend two months ago after three years together.
We decided to break up as a mutual decision, because we were not happy for the last six months, and after we broke up, I felt really relieved.
But I keep seeing him everywhere! At Deaf parties, events and at our friends’ houses. It’s strange, acting like friends again.
Both of us are Deaf sign language users and in the three years we were together, we spent all of our time with the same group of friends. His friends became my friends, and my friends became his friends!
It’s making it really hard to get over him, because when I do meet new people, he’s there. I have to confess I also have mixed feelings if I see him flirting with someone else. What should I do?
The chicken replies:
Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place! Or as we chickens like to say, a coop and a chicken shed. Ahem.
This is one of those problems that is unique to the Deaf community. In a world where everyone knows each other, how do you cope when you fall out with a friend, get fired by a Deaf boss or, as in your case, break up with a partner?
If you were a hearing person, it’d be easier to spend a bit more time with a different friendship group, go out more often with your work colleagues or simply go home for a few weekends with your parents.
Clearly you don’t want to stop spending time with your Deaf circle of friends, but nor do you want to spend all your time being reminded of the relationship you used to have.
So I suggest something in between.
Your ex is male, isn’t he? And you’re female. So firstly, why not use gender as a solution?
Do more stuff with the girls for a while. Take the initiative and book a few social events in that men wouldn’t usually be interested in. It could be as simple as having a girl-only meal, watching a rom-com, and er, whatever else it is that women enjoying spending time together doing (this chicken’s a man. What do I know?)
Secondly, why not go to a few Deaf events that are a tad further afield?
There’s fun stuff happening in the midlands and in the north that could give you the chance to not only get a break from your ex, but also check out what other regions may have to offer in terms of prospective future partners.
Of course, it’s inevitable that you’re still going to run into your ex from time to time, but finding a bit more variation in your social life should make moving on a lot easier.
Good luck!
Do you agree with the chicken’s advice? Tell us what YOU would do below!
Please send your problems for consideration to: thelimpingchicken@gmail.com
Oh Dear
June 5, 2013
‘This is one of those problems that is unique to the Deaf community.’
No……it isn’t ‘unique’…
‘In a world where everyone knows each other.’
Wow!!!, ‘agony chicken’ knows every deaf person in the world. Oh dear, even i don’t know everyone.
Editor
June 5, 2013
Well, the chicken knows you, Oh Dear 😉
barakta
June 5, 2013
I’d argue this isn’t unique to the Deaf community, it is also something common to LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans) communities where there is a smaller social circle and if you split with your same-sex partner you can’t even pull the gender excuse. This may also be heightened by the issues that many LGBT people can have with our families of origin where they’ve not accepted us and our same-sex attractions or gender transitions.
In any smaller community with shared cultural values and perhaps oppressions from outside there will be difficulties in avoiding an ex in social situations at least. It is relatively common for LGBT people to remain friends with their exes and manage to navigate this without too much difficulty and drama by necessity.
There’s even a term “best ex” usually used by lesbian and bi women which is like “best friend” but for exes as a friendly used term for someone you used to be in a relationship with but who you’re still close to. My partner’s best-ex was one of our witnesses when we got civilised and while best-ex may drive me mad at time they’re “family” in every way a bit like a partner’s sibling. A best ex is like a best friend who knows you really well and if they’re not horrible can be a really solid and valuable person to have in your lives.
Not that I don’t think agony chicken is wrong in advice, but I agree with Oh Dear that the Deaf community does not have a monopoly on “small community syndrome” and I contend that we can make it a strength of small communities instead of a weakness or negative point.