I’d like to throw this topic of conversation out there. I am aware I may very well get a backlash from some people – but I’m hoping I’ll get some support too.
In the summer, I was out at a BBQ for work. I had started a new job, and was just getting to know the people I work with, who are all hearing.
I was chatting away to one of them, a loud Canadian, when the conversation turned to bungee jumping and skydiving. I was saying that I wanted to do both about 10 years ago when I was travelling but I didn’t (money, time, doing other things).
Now that I am older I am more fearful of doing either activity, probably because in the last 10 years I have seen and read enough about the things that go wrong.
This Canadian girl was of the opposite view: “Why not, what are the statistics, just as likely to get run over by a bus tomorrow?” (not referring to my deafness of course!).
I felt it was getting morbid and I didn’t really want to talk about it, or listen to her talking about it anymore….then the conversation changed abruptly, and she said in a perfectly non-confrontational tone: “Can I ask you something? How much can you hear?” I then explained my profound hearing loss and that I need to lipread to understand every word she said to which she replied:
“So, why do you close your eyes when you speak, when you interrupt me?”
I was astounded! Firstly, I didn’t realise I was interrupting her. Much less closing my eyes. So I apologised for interrupting. And for closing my eyes.
Then I said, “Well actually, come to think of it, I really didn’t want to continue that conversation so I felt that was my way of withdrawing from the conversation in the same way that a hearing person might “switch off.” She was a bit more receptive to that.
Why do I do it? Maybe I’ve adopted that trait because I am very similar in many ways to a hearing person in my mannerisms and responses – perhaps stemming from confrontations/arguments within my hearing family, I feel.
But sometimes it’s more simple – I just don’t want to listen. Is that not OK?
Why do we have to be made to listen ALL the time? In a lecture, the lecturer looks at you and you always have to be looking at him/her or your communication support worker/lipspeaker/interpreter, otherwise you’re seen as not listening, yet hearing people can fall asleep in lectures (at which point they’re definitely not listening!).
I felt after that confrontation with the Canadian, I had to focus on her more in case she thought I wasn’t listening. But I felt that was unfair.
How is it that when I am talking to a hearing person, and if I appear to be boring them, or they’re not listening to me, they can be looking at their phone, or they’re looking over my shoulder, or around at their surroundings, or even worse, listening to the conversation next to them – you see them smile and it’s not because you said something funny, it’s because the person on the table behind or next to them said something funny – and that’s ok?
Do I challenge these people who do this? Yes, in my family I say: “Excuse me that’s rude!”, but my family say to me, and I hate this: “You’re using your deafness”.
Why can’t they say: “You’re not listening to me, that is rude,” which I feel is much more acceptable, rather than using “deafness” as the tool to not listening?
Because yes, sometimes we don’t want to listen – just like hearing people don’t want to listen – and aside from physically excusing myself from the room (which I sometimes do), eye closing and turning the head away is the next best thing.
After that recent episode, I think I am going to have to adopt some other strategies – such as saying: “I really don’t want to talk about this anymore, let’s talk about something else.” Or deftly steering the conversation away to something else, or excusing myself, going to the loo and then coming back and hopefully starting another conversation, or joining in another conversation with someone else.
Ironically, a dear deaf friend of mine said to me today. when I told her this story. that when was struggling at a BBQ in the summer, someone said to her: “Why are you staring?”
We can’t win, can we?
Elisabeth (Lizzie) is a 34-year old profoundly deaf physiotherapist from Leeds-Glasgow-Guernsey-London with a keen interest in Deaf Sports (physio for GBDWF, European Deaf Championships, Bulgaria, 2011) and Women’s Health (mostly pregnant women:) She is working in London from September 2013 and aims to get involved with Deaf Sports more. Lizzie enjoys travelling, snowboarding and spending quality time with friends and family.
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Axl_F
October 24, 2013
I think you’re turning something into a deaf vs hearing issue when really its the same for everyone: if you’re in the middle of a one-to-one conversation with someone and they look away, close their eyes, take out their hearing aid or stick their fingers in their ears without explanation then you would probably find it insulting, confusing and possibly quite distressing.
Most adults would rather choose to tactfully change the subject or openly state that they are uncomfortable with the topic and move on (physically or conversationally) as needed. Simply refusing to listen because you don’t like the subject matter seems rather childish.
I’m sorry if that sounds harsh or confrontational; it isn’t meant to be. Just offering a point of view.
Editor
October 24, 2013
I think the point Elisabeth made it that it’s a lot easier for hearing people to get out of those situations, using their hearing and looking away. While a deaf person gets called on it. Ed
Elisabeth (Lizzie) McDermott
November 11, 2013
Ed: Thank you, worded perfectly.
Elisabeth (Lizzie) McDermott
November 11, 2013
Axl_F: Yes, my point is that it DOES apply to everyone. I agree. However, it is interesting that the tables are turned one way or another. I would argue against “simply refusing to listen” versus, “becoming uncomfortable with the topic of conversation and wishing to change it as a choice” but not turning into a situation where the other person accuses you of “using your deafness” or “looking away” as the reason for wanting to change the topic because it brings up thoughts of death or dying or triggers memories of family members about to die (of cancer) in which case there are valid grounds for wishing to change a topic of conversation but not because your deaf…what you are referring to is someone deliberately sticking their fingers in their ears, taking out their hearing aids, turning away completely – I would never do any of these things as that is very rude, but what I was being told I was doing was that I was closing my eyes and looking away yet I was actually still talking to the person and actually still participating in the conversation and was still in the middle of changing the topic of conversation…it is subtle changes and nuances and things that people see that others don’t.
If you have 20 people sat around a table all listening to the same conversation (this is when everyone is participating in a 1:1 conversation, not groups of people all having their own conversations), the chances are each of those 20 people (D/deaf or hearing) have a different perception on the conversation, of the speaker, of the listener, of the body language, of what was said, how it was said, how it made them feel – were they bored, did they switch off, did they not want to listen or the opposite – they were interested, they wanted to know more, they wanted to join in more…it’s so variable and one can’t pick these things apart with a toothcomb.
My point is, in some situations, choosing not to listen for a deaf person, should not become about “using their deafness”, but a deaf person choosing not to listen (and expressing that choice) whereas a hearing person choosing not to listen is a hearing person choosing not to listen…
We all have a will, a choice. It’s a free world.
Nancy Kate
October 24, 2013
https://www.facebook.com/thelimpingchicken
Please read the comments on this post, there is a concern for the rude tone on it.
I suggest a re-write and to pull this original, it’s simply rude towards a great group of people and has no point for the story. Bad form and racist.
Elisabeth (Lizzie) McDermott
November 11, 2013
Nancy Kate: I am sorry if you think that my original article should be pulled or re-written. I would be interested to hear why you think it is rude, and towards who? (if you are referring to Canadians or hearing people – I was not referring to either in a racist way but in the same way that in a sign conversation or a hearing conversation where you would describe the person you were talking about – without using their name – as fat, thin, tall, short, Irish, Canadian, American, Japanese, deaf, hearing, hard-of-hearing etc) just as a reference point….so if I re-wrote the article I would just pull the word Canadian and leave in loud, hearing etc etc.
I apologise if I caused offence – this was not intended. The point of the article was to raise awareness of how different people view such situations.
theycallherecho88
October 24, 2013
I think this is really interesting, but I was a little confused. Was Elisabeth saying that hearing people are rude to her, and accuse her of using her Deafness when she doesn’t want to listen/ pay attention? That there’s a double standard, where Deaf people are expected to constantly pay attention, and hearing people are not? Is closing your eyes and turning away something that a lot of Deaf people do when they are uninterested in a conversation? I really don’t know, as I unfortunately don’t know that many Deaf people.
Hartmut
October 26, 2013
My hearing son closed his eyes already when he was one and half, when I bade him in signs to put away his toys to get ready to bed.
Hearing people too often turned their attention to another hearing person, when he interrupted a conversation with me. That happens too at order counters, like at MacDonalds’s. The heaing person behind me shouted his order when the service person is with me.
The same happens all the time in classes and meetings. I raised my hand to alert the the teacher or moderator of my intent to speak, and a hearing person already started to speak without being called upon.
Turning your head away is allright, or just informing conversation opposite that you cannot discuss the topic, being not knowledge on it or just uninteressant to you.
Elisabeth (Lizzie) McDermott
November 11, 2013
I don’t mind the comments although I certainly am not intending to be rude, racist or otherwise disinterested. If anything communicating is my strongest point, especially in my line of work and I am listening to people all day, every day. I have a lot of empathy and relate to people who come to me with pain, issues, injuries (I am a physiotherapist) and my job is to listen to what people are asking me to help them with. In my personal life, I am also very good at listening to my friends and family (and I’m also very good at talking a lot too!) so I guess I am just surprised or taken aback when
(a) I thought I was listening as I was still participating in the conversation and I did try and change tack and was about to change tack again when she presented me with her question…I actually think she was rather rude herself, and had little thought or consideration for how I felt despite expressing a wish to change the topic of conversation
(b) someone is challenging me on something I wasn’t aware I was doing – it is subtle movements, changes in direction of the head etc…I certainly wasn’t sitting there, holding my eyes closed…. or sticking my fingers in my ears going “la la la”. My point is that I wasn’t doing it deliberately or consciously…so my subconscious was perhaps kicking in…
(c) I take a lot of eye breaks as lipreading or certainly watching anyone’s face for long periods of time is tiring (for me), so when I am the one talking, I look at the person AND look away from time to time to give myself that break otherwise I tire faster and am able to listen/join in less and less….
I have responded to each post individually and I enjoy reading other people’s posts. I do hope that some of this has become clearer. If not, I am happy to answer further questions.
It is certainly a complex topic and I welcome further views/thoughts. I am in no way being racist towards/against hearing or D/deaf – believe me I live in both worlds day in day out.
Elisabeth (Lizzie) McDermott
November 11, 2013
theycallherecho88: Yes, I do feel that hearing people (before it was my family, then it was this situation I was in, but other than that, no other hearing people have said that to me) do at times accuse me of using my deafness instead of saying “I feel you are not listening to me” as opposed to “you are using your deafness”….
I can still be looking at the person I am having a conversation with, have my hearing aids switched on, be continuously participating in the conversation but they may feel that I am not really listening (hearing people can talk to each other but you can see if one is not really listening to the other – I see it all the time)…
Yet if I am physically taking eye breaks, whilst I am talking – which I am perfectly well allowed to do – I can look around at my surroundings whilst I am talking – I might be showing them a picture on the wall – pointing and looking and talking at the same time
How can you be the listener and be talking at the same time because you are the one talking because it is your turn in the conversation (unless both of you are talking at the same time which at that point is rude cos one person is interrupting)
That is when I was accused of using my deafness by this person in the story which is very bizarre but this person I was talking to felt that I was interrupting her, which I didn’t think that I was…so here you have 2 different perceptions of the only 2 people in the conversation – one wanted to push the topic, the other one didn’t.
If the same conversation was happening between 2 hearing people, the first person might have said, “you’re not listening to me2, and the second person would have said, “yes, I said earlier, I wanted to change the topic of conversation”, whereas the deaf person is accused of “using their deafness”…and again, if it was 2 deaf people talking to each other, they would be more likely to say to each other “you’re not listening to me” as opposed to “you’re using your deafness”…does that make sense. And a deaf person would say to a hearing person “you’re not listening”. The word “listening” doesn’t necessarily have to imply “hearing”…but also, “paying attention to”.
WIth regards to lectures: yes, we are expected to “listen”, to be watching the lecturer, or interpreter all the time….and so are hearing people….so my point is, why are hearing people allowed to “switch off” (inside their head, you can’t physically see them switching off) or falling asleep (which you CAN see them do) but a deaf person can’t – you can see them “switching off” as it is more evident in their face or concentration span, position of the eyes, or needing to take more eye breaks etc…but I have never fallen asleep in a lecture not least because it would be rude to the lecturer and the interpreter (but it is also equally as rude for hearing people to fall asleep) but my point is – it is more obvious and more likely that the deaf person will be pulled up for “not listening” than the hearing person….so that is what I feel is unfair.
So in both situations the conversation and the lectures: I feel that it is unfair that I am pulled up on “using my deafness” or “not listening” when I listen quite a lot, use my deafness very rarely if at all and it is not intentional, and also, I just want to be able to say that I don’t want to listen like a hearing person might, without being pulled up on being deaf…
I hope that makes a little more sense?
Again, I have not intended to offend anyone, but just to have a healthy debate with different points of view.
Elisabeth (Lizzie) McDermott
November 11, 2013
When I submitted it, it was titled “Are We Listening?” which is actually what I wanted to get across.
And the answer is yes, I listen a lot, I listen most of the time. But I can’t ALWAYS listen. And the same goes for hearing people. They listen a lot, They listen most of the time. But they can’t ALWAYS listen, And sometimes they choose not too. And deaf people have that right to choose not to listen too.
Jolene
November 18, 2013
My motto is treat others how you wish to be treated. If a hearing impaired person closes their eyes (like my mother did on a day to day basis when we argued) I would just cover my ears. She’ll scream and shout and saying I’m being rude, but my father (who is also profoundly deaf) soon put her in her place and highlighted her hypocrisy. Seriously though, I know it is unbelievably rude if a hearing person turns their head when you are talking to them, but they can still hear you They can’t turn their hearing aids off, and even if they are trying not to listen to you, they will STILL hear you. It’s not the same when the situation is reversed.
The woman sounded rude and I, were I deaf, I would have turned my head too. However in a normal social situation where people are aware of what turning your head means, its not acceptable. I find it just as insulting as my parents would if someone put their hand in front of my parents faces. BOTH are very rude gestures, and neither should be used in conversations. There are much politer ways to terminate a conversation.