Teresa Garratty: 15 steps to being a Deaf Christmas Scrooge!

Posted on December 23, 2013 by



Ah, Christmas! The “Marmite” of all seasons, you either love it or you spit it out in disgust.

So for all the anti-festive readers out there, here’s how to boycott Christmas in glorious Deaf style!

Step 1 – Open the door to carollers but then point at your hearing aids and slam the door in their faces.

Screen shot 2013-12-20 at 10.43.06

Step 2 – Avoid wearing any festive head gear e.g. Santa hats, reindeer antlers, party hats etc, by complaining about how they interfere with your hearing aids.

Screen shot 2013-12-20 at 10.43.18

Step 3 – Remove all decorations. They are visual distractions that, as a lip reader, you could quite frankly do without!

Screen shot 2013-12-20 at 10.43.24

Step 4 – Sit on Father Christmas’s lap, sign your Christmas list for him and wait for the awkward confusion to unfold.

Screen shot 2013-12-20 at 10.43.32

Step 5 – Make it clear to him that you only want one thing this year, “the ability to hear.”

Screen shot 2013-12-20 at 10.43.39

Step 6 – When he makes his excuses, pull off his beard, stating that you need to lip read him. If he puts it back on, threaten to “do” him for discrimination.

Screen shot 2013-12-20 at 10.43.48

Step 7 – Don’t let anyone watch Raymond Briggs; The Snowman. It’s not subtitled. (there isn’t any dialogue but that’s beside the point!)

Screen shot 2013-12-20 at 10.43.59

Step 8 – Avoid all nativity plays unless STAGETEXT captioning is provided. They always end the same anyway; Jesus is born etc…

Screen shot 2013-12-20 at 10.44.05

Step 9 – At the dinner table, no one is allowed to tell Christmas cracker jokes unless they can sign them fluently. If you can’t laugh, no one can!

Screen shot 2013-12-20 at 10.44.12

Step 10 – Guilt trip an interpreter into working on Christmas day (maybe not that Mandela funeral guy). It’s not like they have lives or anything…

Screen shot 2013-12-20 at 10.44.19

Step 11 – Invite a Deaf friend to a party and win every single round of charades with BSL. It’s not cheating, you said noting, NOTHING! If any one complains, call them a “deafist”.

Screen shot 2013-12-20 at 10.44.25

Step 12 – If anyone asks what the sign for “Happy Christmas” is, respond with an offensive alternative, preferably including at least one swear word.

Screen shot 2013-12-20 at 10.44.31

Step 13 – Make a CD compilation of the most irritating Christmas songs available. Remove your hearing aids then play this for the entire day, at maximum volume and on repeat.

Screen shot 2013-12-20 at 10.44.39

Step 14 – Wait for someone to play “bop it” (an annoying audio based toy), then throw it out the window when it comes to your go. When they ask why… hold up a sign calling them a “Deafist”.

Screen shot 2013-12-20 at 10.44.47

Step 15 – Accept all gifts but provide only one; the valuable life lesson that ‘one should not give to receive’. If they’re still angry, blame the government for cutting your benefits.

Screen shot 2013-12-20 at 10.44.55

And if all else fails, you can always do the ultimate Scrooge-move. Emigrate to a far-flung country where they don’t celebrate Christmas at all. Which is what you want really, you great Deaf Christmas Scrooge.

Screen shot 2013-12-20 at 10.45.15

If you enjoyed that, you may also enjoy Teresa’s Top 10 misheard song lyrics!

Teresa Garratty is a freelance film maker, photographer and full time cynic. At school, she was voted “Most likely to end up in a lunatic asylum”, a fate which has thus far been avoided. Her pet hates are telephones, intercoms and all living things.

Check out what our supporters provide: 


Enjoying our eggs? Support The Limping Chicken:



The Limping Chicken is the world's most popular Deaf blog, and is edited by Deaf  journalist,  screenwriter and director Charlie Swinbourne.

Our posts represent the opinions of blog authors, they do not represent the site's views or those of the site's editor. Posting a blog does not imply agreement with a blog's content. Read our disclaimer here and read our privacy policy here.

Find out how to write for us by clicking here, and how to follow us by clicking here.

The site exists thanks to our supporters. Check them out below: