The Secret Deafie is a regular column about deaf experiences submitted anonymously by different contributors. If you have a story you’d like to tell, just email thelimpingchicken@gmail.com
Wow… What a day!! Currently I’m sat up in bed having cried myself a headache and wishing I never have to go outside my home again but knowing full well I will have to. But this time I’m at a loss to know how I can grow EVEN thicker skin.
I lost complete hearing on my left side last year following life saving brain surgery to remove a brain tumour and also have loud tinnitus. I do use hearing aids but in busy surroundings I find them more of a hindrance than a help as all sound is amplified into my ‘good’ ear so I didn’t have them in today.
It’s Saturday, not a day I would choose to go into the town centre where I live, but my 6 yr old son had an optician appointment. Whilst there we popped into a well known High Street store for a T-shirt for him. Nothing complicated about that, you’d think.
The shop is tightly packed with rails of clothes and I was admiring a swimsuit for my daughter.
All of a sudden, a buggy’s wheels crashed through where I was stood with my son almost knocking me over (thanks to ‘Larry’ the brain tumour, my balance has also been badly affected, giving the illusion I’m drunk).
I looked up in amazement as the woman pushing the buggy, who had by now, reached her friend standing half the length of the shop away. They were staring back at me shaking their heads.
As they noticed me looking, the woman who pushed past shouted out and holding up her hand indicated ‘five.’
I started to reply ‘I’m deaf’ but thought it best to actually go over to her and explain. By this time it felt as if the entire shop had stopped to stare at the commotion. I went over ‘excuse me’ I started to which she shouted ‘I asked you to move five times and you didn’t!’
‘Well I’m deaf I can’t hear you and I didn’t see you behind me’ but she’d already bent over to put something in her buggy so I tapped her arm so I could see her face and hear her to which she leapt back and her, and her friend, accused me of hitting her!!
Threatening to call the police because I ‘assaulted’ her the staff called the manageress to deal with the situation, so I again tried to explain I’m deaf and not hitting anyone but by all means call the police and look at the CCTV at the whole incident as I’d nothing wrong.
Flustered, the woman slammed her phone back in her bag and screamed ‘just get her away from me’. I was ushered away to the back of the store and offered some water.
My poor son was sobbing, I was crying and people continued to stare. After a while the manageress came back over and said it was ok because the lady wasn’t involving the police…. excuse me…. OK???
Why is it ok that I was barged with a buggy, shouted at across a shop and accused of assault just because I didn’t hear her?
I’m not after sympathy, but as an unseasoned hard of hearing person someone please let me know…
What is the right thing to do or say?
Enjoying our eggs? Support The Limping Chicken:
The Limping Chicken is the world's most popular Deaf blog, and is edited by Deaf journalist, screenwriter and director Charlie Swinbourne.
Our posts represent the opinions of blog authors, they do not represent the site's views or those of the site's editor. Posting a blog does not imply agreement with a blog's content. Read our disclaimer here and read our privacy policy here.
Find out how to write for us by clicking here, and how to follow us by clicking here.
The site exists thanks to our supporters. Check them out below:
- BSL Zone: TV programmes in BSL for the Deaf community
- Deaf Umbrella: what support is available for deaf students?
- Bellman & Symfon: home alerting solutions, including the mobile phone transceiver!
- SignVideo: Instant BSL video interpreting online
- SignHealth: check out the BSL health library
- 999 BSL: call 999 in an emergency, in BSL
- Appa: Looking for RSLIs, TSLIs and CSWs, apply here!
- Signly: Adding BSL to websites
- Signworld: Learn BSL online!
- DCAL: world-class research into deafness, cognition and language
- Action Deafness: “A Deaf-Led Charity” – interpreting & community support services
- Sign Solutions: Instant access to Interpreters, training and BSL translation nationwide
- InterpretersLive: On demand BSL video interpretation
- Lipspeaker UK: specialist lipspeaking support
- BID: Deaf services, including advice and support, interpreting, employment and letters
- Performance Interpreting: BSL interpreting at concerts
- National Deaf Children's Society: The leading charity for deaf children
Andy. Not him, me.
February 18, 2014
I do sympathise. Living as I do near a small market town in the wilds of Cornwall I am sorry to say that the behaviour of my fellows towards me frequently leaves much to be desired. What to do about it? Well it’s taken me a lifetime to figure it out and even now I am not sure. These problems always seem to arise at the most unexpected and embarrasing times. People’s aggression and arrogance just takes your breath away. In a society where people are constantly telling each other how to live and what to say, nobody has taught them how to deal with deaf people. Pity they missed that one out, in their zeal.
The most important thing of course is that it isn’t your fault. You should utterly absolve yourself of blame. You didn’t ask to be deaf, you didn’t deliberately block anyone’s passage and what happened after is entirely due to the aggression of the other party.
Incidentally if someone asks you to move you don’t actually have to do so if you do not want to. Just because someone asks FIVE times doesn’t make their cause any more worthy. If you don’t want to move you don’t have to. It may be rude but it is not illegal. Rather it makes them look pretty stupid for not catching on that there was a hearing problem. But some people have a hair trigger and a deaf person is an easy target.
What to do in such a situation? In a word, dignity. If you panic or shout or God help us, hit anyone then you lose. Every time. But if you take a dignified stance, “How dare you treat me like this?” then other people will pick up on that and support you.
Definitely make it clear that you have a disability. “I’m disabled” is a pretty good put-down. Most people will back off at that point. Remember you have a RIGHT to equal and reasionable treatment. But it should always be made quite clear. “I’m disabled”. That automatically brings the situation within the Equality Act, which was written specifically for disabled people. But apart from that don’t answer back, don’t argue. Try to leave as soon as you possibly can, don’t linger.
But *afterwards* you send a polite but firm letter of complaint to the manager of the shop. Describe what happened as dispassionately as possible, mention that it is unacceptable behaviour, you were shocked and appalled and you think you could have been given better treatment. If necessary you can forward copies to the police and even the Equalities Commission. The joy of the Internet is that this costs nothing. You can even send copies to the managing director of large companies. You don’t have to take the insults lying down.
Protesting at the time is a bad idea I find. Tempers are high, behaviour is patronising and unhelpful. Calling the police is quite a good idea because people will normally calm down in the presence of a constable even if the law is not being broken.
The police do not actually know very much about discrimination laws but they have expressed a desire to learn more, so having a chat with your local cops may not be a bad idea. The thing is, you are certainly not powerless, it’s just a matter of knowing how to use those powers, how to carry the situation off to your best advantage. It’s really not easy but when it happens again you will be able to handle it better due to the previous experience.
Annabel
February 18, 2014
I’m hearing, learning BSL and have worked in Hearing Support in schools. People I know, however educated they are, however big their social conscience or charitable, kind or empathetic they are, have absolutely no Deaf Awareness whatsoever. Until we start teaching it in schools, educating adults through media campaigns and challenging ignorance, awful situations like the one you experienced will keep happening. You couldn’t have done anything any differently, the pushchair woman should’ve realised you couldn’t hear her and come into your line of vision to indicate she wanted to pass. Perhaps next time avoid a Saturday, even I don’t shop on Saturdays – too busy. Good luck.
barakta
February 18, 2014
I think I’d have complained to the shop that the staff didn’t listen to you and explain to the other lady that you were deaf. I too have been shoved by people who have been asking me to move and I haven’t heard them. I also get a lot of dirty looks which I presume are because people are asking me to move and I don’t. Sometimes people tap me on the arm which is easier cos I can react and move.
Sounds like that lady was looking for a fight to be honest, most people wouldn’t buggy-barge someone even if they hadn’t moved. They would look for another way round, or would use another method of communication. They also wouldn’t be really quick to start screaming for police unless they wanted a kick off. Yuck.
There isn’t much we can do cos most of us don’t look deaf, we don’t wear hi vis saying “DEAF!” and even people with visible mobility aids get shoved these days because people don’t believe they’re deaf.
I must admit I rarely shop these days because of my deafness and balance issues. It makes me feel ill even without obnoxious people being obnoxious. Not an option for most people I know.
I’ll be watching to see if anyone has any ideas here for you. In the meantime huge sympathies and hope this doesn’t happen too often.
Hartmut
February 18, 2014
Calling for police at that stage seems premature and completely unnecessary.
I would not know if my tapping on someone’s shoulder would be interpreted as an assault. Would the legal system in U.K. regard it as an assault? The Common Sense universally would say it is not.
The store manager should have recognized the situation correctly after viewing how the idiot behaved and screamed. He should just throw him out of the store and saying that he is THE IDIOT and must recognize that deaf persons exist.and must act accordingly and that tapping on shoulder is completely unlike to a fist assault.
Another solution in this situation is the hard-of-hearing or deaf person to write (NOT SPEAK!) that he was deaf and asks what the problem is. The agitated fellow is forced to write his answer. Nothing less is accepted, because you cannot hear to understand.his blabbering.
The store manager is also at fault. He should not have singled you out and removed you from the scene instead of the loud, troublemaking idiot.
.
Darren
February 18, 2014
What a shocking experience for you. I can only offer my sympathy and apologies for how people treat other people,it would have been far easier for her to find another route around the shop. It is not right at all that this has happened and even though I am shocked I am not surprised! any ‘normal’ person would have asked you to move twice,if that didn’t work they would find alternatives surely???
Martyn Brown
February 18, 2014
I agree that dignity is the best response, being the bigger person or the grown up. I’ve unknowingly been chased by shouting shop staff in the past when I’ve wandered somewhere I shouldn’t. When they finally found out why I didn’t respond, they looked very sheepish. I hope this was fed back into their training programme. But with Joe Public, what can you do, other than try and use the opportunity to educate these people? I try and talk calmly but in a loud voice for maximum effect. If it doesn’t work I don’t let it get me down. I just remember the world is full of idiots who I can happily avoid.
Liz
February 18, 2014
I have been shoved by in the past and rammed once by a buggy too. There is clearly no deaf awareness and there certainly needs to be publicly broadcasted on tv I think on how you should approach someone you think is deaf and education in school.
As for the last time I got pushed I wrote a letter to my local paper to appear in a certain page where members of public can write in, writing about the incident and how I felt giving a little deaf awareness at the end on how it could have been dealt with, hoping this person may see it and learn from the experience as so not to do it again.
Banjo
February 18, 2014
I can relate to this. It has happened to me in the past. One time at a store, there was a woman in a scooter. She rammed into me while I was looking at a display. I nearly fell over and the woman tried to scold me for not moving over while she was yelling “excuse me!” several times. I informed her that I was deaf and she gave me a dirty look and moved on without giving me an apology. That was years ago and something I’ll never forget.
The best thing you can do is to educate people and stand up for yourself without losing your dignity. It’s what we have to do.
Lana
February 18, 2014
Your son??? He would have been be awared of the woman’s loud voice?
JLO
July 4, 2014
Lana, maybe the woman didn’t use a loud voice. Maybe her 6 year old son was absorbed in something else. Anybody with small children will know that they aren’t always tuned into what adults are saying — regardless, there is NO excuse to ram someone with your cart – PERIOD! Why did this person not tap her on the shoulder after repeating “excuse me” several times? Clearly they were impatient and felt they needed to lash out in anger instead of calmly reaching over and tapping her on the shoulder –NO EXCUSE for that kind of ignorance.
nathan
February 18, 2014
Happened the other way to me! I was paying at a till and unknown to me an old lady came up so close behind me (she was the fragile type, with a zimmer frame type thing) and when I turned around to leave, I accidently knocked her back to the ground, completely unaware she was right behind me! How humiliating !
Mark
February 18, 2014
To be fair, I’ve bruised a few people’s ankles with the pushchair in my time. But then again, no excuse for them not hearing the “excuse me”! My biggest pet hate of hearing people really, them not LISTENING…
Lynda
February 19, 2014
I can’t help but wonder if you were a hearie listening to your iPod/headphones one – would you have been excused?
Hartmut
February 19, 2014
This is one behavior from the audistic idea complex that everyone can hear. The hearies need to learn that there are deaf people out there, and they MUST learn to interpret whenever a person who does not respond to an auditory signal must be deaf and then act accordingly.
Hartmut
deaflinguist
February 19, 2014
Mark,
Are you sure the people whose ankles you scraped weren’t deaf – after all, deafness is an invisible disability!!
Many years ago on a narrow pavement I had a disability scooter ram me in the back of the legs. The driver had been shouting at me trying to get past (even though pedestrians have right of way on pavements). He managed to overtake me at the crossing but I was left so outraged I ran and caught up with him.
I asked him what he thought he was playing at and told him in no uncertain terms that just like he couldn’t walk, I couldn’t hear, and he was letting the side down!
I’ve had hearing friends and family stand up for me though with these things, including cyclists on pavements. They hear what’s going on, close ranks with me, and don’t bother to tell me as they reckon that if the person doesn’t twig I’m deaf they’re not going to be their mouthpiece. They too are outraged by how rude people are.
I have actually been forcibly moved by people using their brute strength – they think “small, obstructive woman, probably with Napoleon syndrome”, instead of applying Occam’s razor and thinking of the simplest explanation. One train manager shoved me aside with his sheer bulk. I reported him to his superiors and it must have done some good as I have never seen him again on my route.
hartmut
February 26, 2014
Dealinguist, i would not use “our disability”, but simply our “our inability to hear”. A violet would be idiotic to call itself flower in order fo avoid using the word “violet”
Hartmut
Ayayay
February 20, 2014
Reminds me of an incident I witnessed a few months ago when I was ascending an escalator at a tube station. On a second up escalator alongside me was a couple standing next to each other. Those familiar with London commuting will know that standing on the left of an escalator is frowned up as people in a hurry want to walk up the left.
Anyway a man behind this couple was cursing and swearing at them.
They got to the top of the escalator and one of the couple reached in his pocket, pulled out and unfolded a white stick.
The chap behind went bright red at which point (to my shame) I said: “I bet you feel a right twat now”.
hartmut
February 26, 2014
“Right twat”, what it means?
Mark
February 20, 2014
Oh, they were definitely hearing, you can tell!
andykquan
February 21, 2014
That’s really terrible. I hope that you will, at the last, forward the manager of the store this link to this story so they can understand what happened in their store. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.
Lisa
February 21, 2014
Thank you to you all for reading my story and sharing similar experiences. It helps to know I’m not alone. And forwarding this page on to the store is a great idea :o) As for the experience…. I am SO over it!
Emanuele
February 22, 2014
You should sue the shop, they embarrass you and put you to shame and you should report the manager to the head office for how s/he deals with the whole situation, if you don’t act, you’re just justifying them…
deaflinguist
February 26, 2014
How can you tell, Mark? I presume if you’re bruising people’s ankles, then you’re approaching them from behind? I’d love to know how to spot a hearie just by sight from behind: if they’re not wearing HAs it might be because they’re too deaf to wear them, like me and many others; if they’re not signing they might be oral deaf people; if they didn’t see you coming they might not have that great peripheral vision; maybe they’re dawdling because they have a knee or back pain you can’t see; and if they’re on their own, just how can you tell? Ayayay makes just this point.
We spent so much time complaining that hearing people – and I’ve had this happen to me – assume there’s nobody deaf there because there’s nobody there who “looks deaf” or that people ignore our disability because it’s invisible. If there’s one thing deafness teaches us, it’s not to make assumptions about others, but here you are, assuming people aren’t reacting because they’re hearies dawdling and being obstructive.
I don’t think it’s acceptable to ram anyone to “teach them a lesson” which is the kind of attitude you’re implying. I’d think of the child in the buggy before using the pushchair as a weapon. What a life lesson to teach your child, too – impatience and a willingness to hurt other people.
Sorry Mark, but I don’t agree with your thinking. Don’t complain next time a cyclist rides at you on the pavement, will you?
Liz
February 26, 2014
Rightly put deaflinguist, and some hearing people wonder why we get frustrated.Its because of how people think like Mark has just said.
Also if we are wearing hearing aids, they don’t exactly stick out a mile because they are either hidden type hearing aids that go inside the ear or hearing aids that are very thin tubes so invisible to the eye and for hearing aids like I have with standard tubes the hearing aids also I wear and like many available now they are not bulky like they used to be. Unless like me, I occasionally tie my hair up and wear Ear Gear. When I do that people can see I am deaf.
As I have mentioned in earlier comment, people think its ok to shove because I did not hear. I wasn’t born with eyes back of my head and I doubt you are born with eyes back of your head Mark. So yes I don’t look deaf, which deaf people there is no such thing as looking deaf, especially if you are oral and speak clearly and don’t sign because you are late deafened like myself. This is why you have to assume when person in front did not respond, you have to ask yourself Mark, is he/she deaf? On the safe side as I suggested to a person once, a tap on the shoulder or elbow would be greatly appreciated. Then when I turn around to see what you want, you can say excuse me please, and I will move, rather than be pushed and you wonder why I look annoyed.