I’m a SODA (Sibling of a Deaf Adult)…
I have grown up with a deaf sister, who is two years older than me, and as a result, my experiences of growing up have been different to my friends.
We are like any other siblings; arguing, joking around with each other, gossiping about celebrities!
However the main difference was communicating. I had to learn sign language from a young age to be able to communicate with my sister, so while there were millions of people that as soon as they learnt to talk, were able to communicate with their siblings, I had to learn two languages (English and BSL) to be able to communicate with my parents and my sister.
I also had to become used to things like putting my knife and fork down to sign whenever I spoke at the dinner table or always remembering to sign when she is in the room to involve her in every conversation.
Another difference was not being able to share the same taste in music. Yes my sister listened to loud music and watched videos on Top of the Pops but she could never enjoy music as much or in the same way as I do.
However saying this, my sister did have a few favourite pop bands when she was younger and I would be able to explain what song it was by demonstrating the dance moves that appeared in their videos, as it was visual.
Colette signing at her sister’s wedding
Going to the cinema is a problem as we can’t just go to the cinema when we want, we have to wait for subtitles, which rarely happens at the cinema and when it does the subtitles do not always work.
I’ve lost count of the amount of times our girlie day out has been ruined by having to complain due to the subtitles not working. Twilight is one of our favourite films however we never saw it at the cinema together. My sister would have to wait for ages for the DVD to come out while I would feel guilty and go to watch it.
My mum and dad had to be very careful they didn’t treat us differently as my sister always had to have extra help with getting into different schools, speech therapy, hospital appointments and my parents spent extra time helping her with her homework.
Growing up with a deaf sister also meant I had another life. Every Friday we would go to a local Deaf Club, none of my friends did this so I felt special!
It opened me up to this new world, where we met other deaf youngsters and adults and I was able to practise my BSL.
I have even become so used to subtitles on the television that I now automatically turn them on and hate it or feel uncomfortable when I go to someone’s house and they don’t have the subtitles on.
One vivid memory I have growing up is that my sister kept asking if I wished she was hearing to which my reply was and will forever be ‘no!’
I don’t care that she is deaf – it doesn’t make a difference. I always said to her if she was hearing I would not have learnt this beautiful language and would not have the job I have today!
I even had the pleasure of signing the song she had as her first dance at her wedding.
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Cathy Alexander
May 30, 2014
What a beautiful insight to a person’s life as a sister to a deaf sister! It is rare indeed to hear these kind of stories, not least because many families like this are pretty rare.
I have wondered myself, what life would be like had I not gone deaf through illness: would my life have been richer with my family? I think, on balance, it would have been. There were no subtitles when I was an infant and I used to tell my sister to turn up the TV as it was “too quiet”. Mum would come in and shout out: “you can’t have it like that, it’s like bedlam!” My sister would duly turn it down, amid my own protestations that it wasn’t loud enough!!
I used to hate the “box” hearing aids we had to wear (no behind the ear aids then) and i would remove the strap round my neck and tell friends to hang on a minute while I chucked it through the letterbox, and failed to hear it smash as it landed in the hallway!
In mainstream school (before anyone realised I was deaf) I would spend all day copying the other children’s work or try to lipread the teacher. I didn’t learn a thing and never really followed any lessons. I only enjoyed playtime when me and my friends would play hopscotch in the playground or did handstands against the wall. I didn’t need to lipread then, only compete with others, which was easy!!
Ironically, I was never placed at the front of class, to face the teacher and best pick up information. Oh no, I was placed to the back, to the side and half way!!! I fell sharply behind and as (at that time) children were moved according to their intelligence and progress, it meant I was left to languish in the same class twice!!!!
I spent my time watching faces, becoming a natural lipreader, but how much better would it have been to just relax doing something whilst listening to someone else…….??? My sister would listen to music and sing the songs to me, but of course it would have been a joy to just sit back and listen for myself. Naturally, this was not an option and still isn’t.
I would go to the cinema with friends and remember lipreading the film: Carrie as subtitles were unheard of……..at birthday parties it would be lonely trying to join in all the chatter, which was both fast and tiring to keep up with, while my sister would natter away to her hearts content.
Social gatherings are something to be avoided, when none of the family could not and still do not sign. Many other deaf people I know are the same: weddings are turned down, birthday parties ignored and even xmas can be overlooked, all because no family member signs.
In an ideal world, it would be fantastic for all hearing families to learn sign language, but of course, this is not an ideal world we live in. So, I would say, yes it would be better to be hearing and to have the freedom to enjoy and indulge in everything hearing people do. This may only be appreciated by those who are born hearing and lose it in childhood or early adulthood. Those born deaf have no concept of hearing and are therefore not losing out.
As the old saying goes: “What you’ve never had you never miss!”
Emma
October 28, 2014
I can relate entirely to this as I have grown up as an older sister of a deaf sibling. As a result of hearing aids and cochlear implants being entirely useless for my sister, we are really close and even have in-jokes that only we understand. At things like Brownies or swimming I would have to listen to what was being said and then translate for her as I could not listen and sign at the same time. If we wanted to go to the cinema we would have to go to a subtitled screening, which round where we live is not very accessible. Nonetheless she would always help me learn sign language and be there as a shoulder to cry on whenever necessary. Sometimes it was difficult, and to an extent it still is but we pride each other with the fact that every obstacle can be dealt with in some way regardless of its severity.
Not many people understand that she has no hearing at all and thus they treat her with indifference and ignorance. Only a handful of my friends growing up would communicate with her and include her in our activities. I always hated it when she was excluded as it made her upset and frustrated. Apart from when she went to school, she was surrounded by hearing people all the time and my mom, dad and I have had to fight to get some recognition and even tolerance from those around us. This even extends to our wider family because apart from the four of us, the rest of the family doesn’t properly sign or even attempt to communicate without having to go through myself or my dad. As both my sister and I find it hugely frustrating and infuriating we always end up having our own conversations and no longer enjoy family gatherings. It was fine when we were little because we could run off and play with toys, but now that we are older, people always think that we are being extremely rude if we leave and do our own thing.
Nonetheless this does not stop my sister of being proud of who she is, proud that she has fought through life’s problems and remains strong. She doesn’t allow ignorant people to get her down or stop her from living her life. She is an inspiration to me and to other people, and she has opened doors down career paths for me, that without her, would have forever remained locked. She is who she is and I am proud to call her my sister.