The Secret Deafie: I was abused by a Deaf man, but I don’t want to be called a victim OR a survivor

Posted on February 6, 2015 by



The Secret Deafie is a regular column about deaf experiences submitted anonymously by different contributors. If you have a story you’d like to tell, just email thelimpingchicken@gmail.com

I am a Deaf woman, and I was abused by a Deaf man. My child and I now live in a secure refuge, at the other end of the country. Once I spoke up about the abuse, I had no choice but to leave my home and my friends.

It wasn’t just because I was scared of living in the same area as my abuser. I hope I never meet him again, but I also had to move because all the time I stayed there, people associated me with the story of what had happened.

I was losing sense of who I was, and becoming just part of the story. The Deaf community is very small, and everybody hears things about each other. We cling on to things we know about people in a way I’m not sure that hearing people do – even people I haven’t met seem to know this part of my story. They know nothing else about me, only this one, horrible part.

I am not a victim. I don’t want to be patronised, or have strangers hug me tight and say they understand. I don’t want the opposite either; people I have never seen before judging me and making decisions about me without ever talking to me. I want those people to hear my side of the story, but, at the same time, I don’t want to have a side to the story. I wish none of it had happened.

I am not a survivor. I carry wounds to this day, physically, mentally and emotionally. Yes, I have lived through what happened to me, but I don’t wear the experience proudly. I don’t like it when people make me feel as though I should. I wish none of it had happened.

I am not a victim, and I am not a survivor. I am just a person who some bad things happened to, and I’ve carried on. I am just me; a woman, mother and, thankfully, girlfriend to a wonderful man.

I want to let Deaf people know that there is always support out there, even though sometimes it can feel like the community is too small. Although I live in the refuge at the moment, I feel very positive about my life and future. I know that, in time, I will be able to move on from this story and create a new, much better one.

I just hope everybody else moves on with me.

If you are in a similar situation and you need advice, you can contact SignHealth’s DeafHope service, in sign language, at this link: http://www.signhealth.org.uk/deafhope/. You can also contact Refuge: http://www.refuge.org.uk

As told to Emily Howlett, translated from BSL.

The Limping Chicken is the UK’s deaf blogs and news website, and is the world’s most popular deaf blog. 

Make sure you never miss a post by finding out how to follow us, and don’t forget to check out what our supporters provide: 

Enjoying our eggs? Support The Limping Chicken:

The Limping Chicken is the world's most popular Deaf blog, and is edited by Deaf  journalist,  screenwriter and director Charlie Swinbourne.

Our posts represent the opinions of blog authors, they do not represent the site's views or those of the site's editor. Posting a blog does not imply agreement with a blog's content. Read our disclaimer here and read our privacy policy here.

Find out how to write for us by clicking here, and how to follow us by clicking here.

The site exists thanks to our supporters. Check them out below:

Tagged: ,
Posted in: emily howlett