So, I’m guessing you will have seen ‘Found’ by now?
The documentary directed by the Chicken’s very own Charlie Swinbourne, exploring how three deaf people ‘found’ their Deaf identity?
Featuring Joanne Swinbourne, John Walker and, well, me…
If you haven’t, here it is: http://www.bslzone.co.uk/watch/found/
I can wait while you watch. Go ahead.
Done? It’s lovely, isn’t it? There have been so many wonderful discussions, comments and messages generated by this programme.
People I’ve never met are telling me that my story has resonated with them, or that they identified with one of the other stories shared.
Hearing parents are being encouraged to allow their deaf children to explore this whole other community and culture.
The stigma of being, or wanting to be, Deaf, is being challenged. It’s all very, very positive, and I feel proud and lucky to have been a part of it.
On the day Charlie interviewed us all, I arrived feeling excited and, as the youth say, ‘well up for it’. Full of confidence.
I like everything about filming, even the long waits and the retakes, so there was nothing to be afraid of. I mean, come on, you guys know me. You know about my acting.
You’ve seen me glaring at you from your television screen, or falling off the stage onto your lap. You would presume that I’m pretty much ok with being in front of a camera. To be honest, I presumed that too.
But I’m not.
Turns out, Emily Howlett acting as the sex-crazed girlfriend of a Deaf patient is fine.
Emily Howlett acting as a fluffy hippy chick with terrible dress sense is fine.
Emily Howlett as Emily Howlett, however, is a whole new and terrifying prospect.
I’m a pretty open person. I’ll tell you about the current state of my leg hairs within five minutes of meeting you. I’ll instantly inform you of pretty much every random or boring thought that pops into my head, and I’ll discuss my political views or general opinions from dawn til dusk.
The speed I jabber at with my mouth is only just surpassed by the speed I jabber at with my hands.
But, there are some things I don’t really jabber all that much about. It’s excruciatingly difficult.
I’d rather talk about fluffy things, happy things, and why the sky is blue. It’s not that I don’t want to share it’s just… Difficult.
It can be very uncomfortable to talk about negative experiences and feelings. It can feel indulgent, like you’re just wallowing or offloading your sorrows onto someone else.
It can bring back emotions and memories you don’t really want to trawl through again. And it’s also just… difficult.
So, to sit in front of a camera, on my own, and, even though it sounds like a cliché, exposed, and then start to talk about some of the most intense situations and emotions that I’ve felt… It was scary as hell.
I reckon about the first 30 minutes of footage were entirely useless. I was the proverbial rabbit in headlights, even though Charlie and the team were so caring and supportive.
I don’t know if it was harder because I am used to having a character to hide behind, and wear as armour. Perhaps the other contributors felt exactly the same.
We were all talking about defining moments that have had a huge impact on our lives. The programme only focused on one moment for each of us, but once you start talking about these things, you can’t help thinking about all the others, good and bad, that have shaped your life.
I have done a 32 hour shoot before, including night scenes.
I have a small child, who once went for a month with approximately 90 minutes of sleep each night.
I have done the Three Peaks challenge.
But I don’t think any of those left me as tired as I was after that day of filming ‘Found’.
However. The impact the stories have had!
The amazing positive feedback, and the wonderful editing by Charlie and his team.
The fact nobody has commented on my terrible helmet hair.
The endless squeezing of Stephen Collins. It’s all good.
And the team, including Charlie (though we’d never tell him, right?) were so supportive. I think they knew better than I did how I might feel.
And the thing is, it might have been uncomfortable, but it was also amazingly revealing. Therapeutic, in a way, to openly say, “Hey, this is a big part of my story. And I’m going to share it with you.”
I’m very proud of my Deaf identity, but I’m also proud of my relationship with the hearing community.
Apart from some aspects of school, my childhood was brilliant (except for the fact my sister didn’t take my relentless hints that she should run away to France when she was 8).
I honestly wouldn’t change a thing about my past because it got me where I am today, but that doesn’t mean it was always easy. Or that I’ve got it all sorted now.
But it does mean I understand that there will always be ups and downs, and overall things are generally pretty damn groovy.
And that whatever else is going on, I can just be me; Emily Howlett, jabbering on.
I think that’s a very important thing to know. And I hope that message comes across when you watch ‘Found’.
Next time I have to trawl through my memories, making this programme is definitely going to be up there with the good ones. I hope you enjoyed it.
By Emily Howlett. Emily is a Contributing Editor to this site. She is a profoundly Deaf actress, writer and teacher. Emily is co-director of PAD Productions and makes an awful lot of tea. And mess. She now has not one, but four grey eyebrow hairs. C’est la vie. She tweets as @ehowlett
The Limping Chicken is the UK’s deaf blogs and news website, and is the world’s most popular deaf blog.
Make sure you never miss a post by finding out how to follow us, and don’t forget to check out what our supporters provide:
- Phonak: innovative technology and products in hearing acoustics
- Ai-Live: Live captions and transcripts
- Bellman: hearing loss solutions
- Deaf Umbrella: sign language interpreting and communications support
- Clarion: BSL/English interpreting and employment services
- Appa: Communication services for Deaf, Deafblind and hard of hearing people
- SignVideo: Instant BSL video interpreting online
- 121 Captions: captioning and speech-to-text services
- Doncaster School for the Deaf: education for Deaf children
- Signworld: online BSL learning and teaching materials
- Lipspeaker UK: specialist lipspeaking support
- RAD: financial advice for Deaf people
- Krazy Kat: visual theatre with BSL
- Enable Support Services: Supporting Deaf children and adults in Suffolk, Essex, Cambridgeshire and Norfolk
- Exeter Deaf Academy: education for Deaf children
- SignHealth: healthcare charity for Deaf people
- CJ Interpreting: communication support in BSL
- Sign Solutions:, language and learning
- Sign Lingual: BSL interpreting and communication services
- Action Deafness Communications: sign language and Red Dot online video interpreting
- SDHH: Project Development and Consultancy
- Mykasoft: Deaf-run Web Design Studio
- deafPLUS: Money advice line in BSL
- Hamilton Lodge School in Brighton: education for Deaf children
pennybsl
July 10, 2015
It was good to see you share insights and experience, every one of them was significant and the excellent direction/production/background clichéd the eventual successful outcome.
You represent a HUGE number of d/Deaf people like yourself, not encountering peers till adulthood, and hopefully more yet to begin their own Deaf Identity journeys.
Thanks for sharing.
Natalya D
July 10, 2015
You were all great, and I am not surprised it was hard. It was emotionally exhausting enough to watch – I need about 50 rewatches and 2 weeks of no humans to process it all.
Natalya D
July 10, 2015
(Exhausting in a good way btw – I thought the film was brilliant – thank you to all who made it happen)
— Getting off the Internet now cos definitely too Fridayed to brain.
Hartmut
July 12, 2015
I daresay that hearing people don’t have any identity or it is an issue in their thinking and feeling or a matter for their mental health. The don’t even say, they have the identity of a hearing person. They know, they are hearing, that is being able to hear, and use the term for themselves only upon encounter with a deaf person. That is not the same as declaring one’s identity.as deaf persons do. Different would be for some CODAs. I heard several stories of them to have a Deaf identity. For example a US GI got drawn to deaf persons in Germany when they see them signing and leave their buddies behind.
And a second phenomenon is that most deaf people undergo an identity crisis before they found it.
That is one big contribution of the film “Found”. I believe, the field of psychology, especially in the area of mental health counselling, the theme of ‘identity’ is still in need of further exploration. I wonder if Erikson’s theory of identity would capture the issues that deaf people are facing.
deanwales
July 15, 2015
Thank you Emily and the rest of the cast and crew for making this film. I’m a hearing person who works in access services for TV and have endeavoured to understand the Deaf culture and communities as well as I can in my role, including studying BSL (I’ve my first level 2 exam next week, please wish me luck). I love BSL Zone and indeed have met some other Deaf actors and directors from the films through events I’ve sponsored and attended through Community ID. I stumbled on this particular film one afternoon in the office and the same evening my BSL tutor (who is profoundly Deaf) recommended it to watch. It’s a touching, informative – sometimes shocking – insight and should be watched by ‘everyone’. An important piece, so once again, thanks for making it.
Best wishes
Dean