In an uncertain world, there’s one person you can turn to for dependable advice: the limping chicken, offering sensible advice for all kinds of common deaf-related problems from its coop.
A reader writes:
Hard of hearing here who wears two hearing aids. Of a weekend I try and have a rest from wearing them as they become really annoying. My husband is normally a very quietly spoken man so when I’m not wearing my aids I find it difficult to always hear what he’s saying so he then repeats it but when he does he talks really slowly one word at a time with gaps in between which to me is very upsetting when I ask him to talk to me in a normal way he becomes very angry saying you don’t hear me. Most of our arguments are now over my hearing loss. I’m becoming so upset and don’t know what to do I’m already embarrassed because of the loss of hearing without being shown up as he does this in company as well even when I’m wearing my aids. Does anyone else have his problem if so how did you overcome it?
Thank you for your comment, which was originally posted on our site below another article, and for agreeing to have it become an ‘Ask the Chicken’ piece.
This Chicken sends out all good vibes and a big HUG from its coop.
It’s clear that when one person loses some of their hearing in a relationship, that how two partners communicate has to adjust. This is the responsibility of both of you.
This can be a difficult process, and making a success of it means working together.
Getting a break from hearing aids can be important. The sound they give us doesn’t compare favourably to ‘natural’ hearing and we can find our ears ‘working’ all the time. So a break once in a while is important. One thing you can do is (if you’re not already doing this) make it very clear to your husband that you’re not wearing them, and why, and how long this will last. That way, at the very least, he has no excuses!
Dealing with your immediate problem first, what seems to be happening is that your husband speaks to you, then you miss what he said, then he speaks really slowly, which may feel patronising and also, is not generally thought of by deaf people as making lipreading any easier.
There is some good news here though. Your husband is trying to help you understand him. That shows he is thinking of your needs, to some degree, even if he’s not quite getting it right.
From his perspective, he may be feeling angry because he’s trying to make an adjustment for your hearing loss, but you’re asking him to do what, to him, didn’t work in the first place (speaking normally).
A small adjustment might help you to solve this problem, and that’s asking him to only start speaking to you once you are looking at him.
If he can call you, or tap you on the shoulder, then wait for you to be facing him before he speaks, then that will mean you’ll be primed to lipread and understand what he says, without him needing to speak slowly or exaggerate his lip patterns.
The message for him is simple – you can’t understand him if you’re not facing him, especially when you don’t wear hearing aids. That’s what he needs to understand. Although this is simple, it can take time for people to remember!
It’s worth telling him, tactfully, that the way he usually speaks is what you’re used to lipreading, and exaggerating or speaking slowly doesn’t make things easier.
Moving on to the embarrassment you feel, and the fact that you’re being shown up around other people. This makes me wonder whether it would be worth your husband attending a Deaf Awareness course, or whether it would help you to attend lipreading classes, both of which can offer advice and strategies which can help you as you move forward.
What I would say is that when you’re around other people, rather than embarrassing you (or ‘showing you up’), your husband can do lots of small things to help you understand everyone. Such as occasionally giving you the context or subject of discussion, which helps you follow what is happening, especially if you’re just joining a conversation. Also, if you’re struggling to understand someone, he can help you out by rewording what they’ve said, and repeating it for you.
The hardest time for a Deaf person to follow communication is often in groups, so in these situations you need your husband to be on your side.
I hope this response has been helpful. Good luck!
Do you agree with the chicken’s advice? Tell us what YOU would do below!
Please send your problems for consideration to: thelimpingchicken@gmail.com
LittleAcorn
October 21, 2016
OH was slow to adjust to my hearing loss too, I guess sometimes we forget it takes everyone a while. It’s been 8 years since my hearing started disappearing and I would say in the past year it’s been better.
Have you been to a lip reading class? It helps, I started there. I will also tell him what I think he said sometimes (because sometimes it is funny) which makes us both laugh and reminds him that he can’t just look away mid sentence if he wants anything of a sensible conversation. He’s also made sure that we have an accessible doorbell and fire alarm.
I’m also learning sign, OH doesn’t seem keen but I sign at him every now and then so he picks it up, and when I’m tired and just can’t work it out he uses it. He’s seen the benefits too, when we are out and want to say something private or I’m lost in a conversation that I can’t follow, if he can sign the context I can usually catch up. He then often fills me in the car on the way home.
Talk to him, tell him what you need.
Diana Laing
October 21, 2016
Yes, a Deafness Awareness Course sounds ideal for the husband. A marriage is for ‘better or worse’ so the husband should listen to his wife’s comments, perhaps this wife could write a note telling him how she feels, many things can be said on paper (give him time to read), yes to his merit he tried to talk slower, however it’s demeaning for the person who has the hearing loss especially if once hearing fully. Good luck LittleAcorn…….
pennybsl
October 21, 2016
You need buddies for each of you.
There are many like you both – great that you share these experiences and concerns through the Limping Chicken.
Even friction of your kind does occur in deaf couples with different experiences and different hearing loss.
All the best, sincerely!
Kate Murdoch
October 21, 2016
I really hope the reader finds your response useful, as it certainly was for me. I think pointing out how people try to help (even of it’s the ‘wrong’ way) is important – and how working through effective ways of communicating is really important. Good to also read that it’s okay to take a break from hearing aids as I’ve sometimes felt selfish that I’m doing so, necessitating in my husband & sons having to make extra allowances.
Deepa
October 21, 2016
Go to Hearing Link website, they have fantastic rehabilitation courses for families and partners.
Shari Eberts
October 21, 2016
These tips might help as well. http://limpingchicken.com/2015/08/03/shari-eberts-how-to-have-a-better-conversation-with-someone-who-wears-hearing-aids/
Lyn
October 24, 2016
Thank you everyone, I haven’t felt the need to go to signing classes yet but I do try and lip read whenever possible it’s, amazing how many people cover their mouths whilst talking or look down or away. Things have improved slightly for the moment. I think he realised that he wasn’t really helping the way he was speaking to me he was just upsetting me….I received a lovely box of chocolates from him after our last little upset over my hearing loss, so not all bad 😀 Maybe next time I’ll get the wine to go with them lol. Thanks again I appreciate the time you have all taken to answer. Xx
Christina Goebel
October 24, 2016
When my husband gets upset about something like this, I ask him if he was speaking to me or to a hearing person. Because, I tell him, when you’re speaking to me, you need to have eye contact and be facing me. Otherwise, you’re not speaking to me.
Taking a few sign language classes together would help. You could learn some signs and classes are loaded with Deaf culture and understanding communication on a deep level. When words don’t work, signs do and we have quite a few signs in the family, including of course yes and no and I love you. When I’m sans hearing aids, those signs come in handy!