At weekends, we post some of our most popular blogs.
In an uncertain world, there’s one person you can turn to for dependable advice: the limping chicken. Offering sensible advice for all kinds of common deaf-related problems. Without further ado, here’s the first instalment of our new ‘agony chicken’ column…
J, Taunton, says:
I’ve become more deaf over the past couple of years and as a result, I now wear hearing aids.
At one point, I gave up watching television as I found it hard to understand it all (even with hearing aids). But then one of my friends told me about subtitles, and I tried it out. They’ve changed everything!
Subtitles took getting used to, but now I read them without thinking about it.
Just one problem.
In the evening, when my husband gets home, he won’t let me turn the subtitles on. He says they are too distracting.
So there’s all these programmes I want to watch – but I can’t understand them.
I usually just end up wandering upstairs to read my book. It’s driving a wedge between us.
Should I do something about it? I’m going out of my mind with how inconsiderate he is. And I’m getting a bit bored of my books.
The chicken says:
When this chicken read your email, a small tear rolled down my beak.
You poor, poor woman. You didn’t say whether your husband is selfish in other areas of your life, as well as when it comes to subtitles, but we’re betting he’s the kind of guy who puts empty milk bottles back in the fridge of a morning.
You’ve got two options. The first is the nuclear option – leave him. But that’s fairly extreme. Do you love him? If so, you might want to try something else first: putting your foot down.
Tell him that if you can’t have subtitles on, then he’s not watching television at all. Turn it off. Take the plug out.
He may be a bit startled, but then you can tell him how bored you’ve been and how unfair it is that you’re stuck reading books (boring) while he gets to watch Phil and Kirsty flog more houses (infinitely more exciting).
You may have a row, and he may storm out. You can then turn on the television and watch Location Location Location with full access – for an hour at least.
After that, if he still doesn’t see the error of his ways, and goes back to non-subtitled TV, then you may wish to consider said nuclear option: going your separate ways.
If you choose to move on, then we recommend you find a nice Deaf guy (there’s plenty around) or a more understanding hearing chap who you can snuggle up with to watch as many subtitled programmes as you want.
Do you agree with the chicken’s advice? Tell us what YOU would do below!
Please send your problems for consideration to: thelimpingchicken@gmail.com
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Diana
November 18, 2017
One other option is to get another TV ! Could put it side by side or nearby. This husband is a bully sorry to say…
E, also in Taunton
November 18, 2017
Other members of my family sadly take this view, but not my OH.
I am deafened, like you, so there has been adjustments for everyone. My OH has stood by me and seen the things I struggle with and actively tries to support me. It’s part of what makes us a team.
The wider family are less supportive, but my attitude to it now. Having wasted hours of my life watching a TV at impossible volume with no subtitles is that we simply don’t do that activity or I leave before they do.
It seems extreme but if you’re doing an activity that excludes me, don’t expect me to sit there with a false smile.
Have you equated it to him sitting there without volume? Or listening to the radio while watching TV as although sometimes you can get the sounds they don’t always make sense.
Together you have a choice to make, adapt and make it work together or find a situation that suits you better. Don’t be unhappy forever because someone refuses to understand what you need. Subtitles are a small concession to make to improve the life of someone you dearly love.
If OH lost his legs I wouldn’t think twice about getting our home adapted with ramps and stair lifts. I wouldn’t think twice about if I had the car I wanted or the one we needed. We would take time to adapt and work out what we needed and how we would tackle the problem, but we would do it together.
Life is too short, work at it or walk away from it. Be happy, be loved, be you.
David Stowe
November 18, 2017
Totally agree with the chicken advice! Further more, there need to be room for compromise and respect in every relationship.
nancy kennedy
November 18, 2017
Well, I don’t want to sound extreme either but the husband’s behaviour is very controlling. I would even say abusive. HOWEVER, maybe he really doesn’t understand how deaf you are-perhaps you could visit your doctor together and he would understand better if he heard it from her.
Asha
November 18, 2017
Make him watch tv without the sound, and see how much he can cope with that…. very selfish man
Kevin
November 18, 2017
Me and my bro were watching tv. He turn subitile off and I turn the sound off. Sound fair??
Martyn
November 18, 2017
Very sad. Both selfish and thoughtless.
My young son discovered TV subtitles in 1996 when we got a new telly. It opened up a new world for me. My hearing family have watched with subtitles ever since – unless of course I’m not watching with them. If I am watching at someone else’s house, it’s rarely a problem to press a button.
Your husband needs to give it a trial run, for a few weeks. He might be surprised how after a while the words won’t bother him. It’s a great shame you can’t enjoy programmes together.
If you can’t change your husband or his behaviour, get your own TV for another room.
Don’t let ignorance stop you from enjoying subtitled tv (or cinema or Stagetext come to mention it)
Fran Benson
November 18, 2017
I suggest you tell him that if you can’t have the subtitles on then he can’t have the sound on. He might soon appreciate why you need subtitles. He sounds very selfish to me.
Nadien Lucas
November 18, 2017
This is unacceptable behaviour from your husband. Leave him.
Lynsey
November 18, 2017
How selfish and sad. I’d love to see the responses to a question like this on mumsnet. I suspect the overwhelming answer would be, LTB (leave the…) particular if he’s that nasty in other areas of your life. I know this is an old post so I’d love to hear to outcome.
Maria smith
November 18, 2017
Hi. I dnt know if you have tried a loop system or tv listener with your hearing aids and tv but this may help you listen to your TV without the subtitles. You need your loop programme activated on your hearing aids though. It means that you can listen via your loop and you can control the volume that you listen to. Failing that why don’t you try link into a hearing link intensive rehabilitation programme with your husband tk give him a greater understanding to your deafness/hearing loss. Good luck.
Alice
November 19, 2017
Sad story. Why not get a friend and go to a subtitled movie!!!
Ask a friend if you can watch tv with the subtitles on at their house!!
Hartmut Teuber
November 19, 2017
I did not read the previous comments, being in hurry.
The issue behind this is if there should be a universal design requirement for access to information coming from the TV or not. Should having captions or subtitles on the TV screen be a special accommodation for individuals who cannot hear, or should it be a general requirement to be part of Universal Design? It comes to the precept, that those accommodation devices be part of the normal design requirements for EACH and ALL products to be marketed for everyone. If the issue is only considered as a matter of individual accommodation, then we should advocate it to be completely UNACCEPTABLE and then do several activities to make home of this concept aamong the general population.
It has evolved by now that EVERY TV set is to contain a CC chip that can read codes containes in the vertical blankings between two TV frames and put to the screen immediately. As a compromise, we concede that this action can be turned off. But the infrastructure are there which is essentially important, namely 1) the TV set has this ability to obtain info for captioning, 2) that captioning codes be created and broadcast for ALL auditory information, mostly spoken dialogue, somehow in good quality. Right now the criterion of what constitutes “good quality” is still debatable. The extra costs for captioning should be considered ALWAYS to be an integral of a production, like all the costs for a cameras, lightning, acoustics, etc. We know the costs for captioning has been considered as extra costs to be funded afterwards after the release of the product, which we MUST insist not to accept.
Our advocacy efforts should be directed toward the concept and requirement inherent in the Universal Design that EVER f****ing production for the hearing MUST be made accessible to those who do not hear. Period! We may use the tactic of the purchasing power. Boycott any product that is inaccessible to Deaf persons, push those TV stations and other vendors not to purchase anything that does not contain whatever visual accessibility provision (captioning is sometimes unsuitable for access in talk shows, interpretation into a sign language shown half on the screen is much better, yet simultaneously captioned for the deafened and hard-of-hearing folks).
Hartmut Teuber
November 19, 2017
J. Taunton, I am sure, you have confronted your husband and asked “do you love me or not?” If you do, you MUST tolerate the captions on the screen. If not, I would pester you asking ‘what did he/she say?” for each conversation turn, that is, he needs to “interpret” everything that is spoken to you, instead of what is provided by the captions. Finally, you need to tell him frankly, he is a complete ASSHOLE there and is contributing to the social problem between the hearing and deaf peoples. He must have known by know how much deprivations you have experienced by the hearing people powers in the industry and BY HIM, yet act against your needs. He needs to know and acknowledge that Deaf people ALWAYS exist and continue to exist, no matter what, and that the needed accommodations need to be part in the normal production process and funded by everyone in the society, not only by those who need them.
Daniel
November 19, 2017
My partner hasn’t always been happy to have the subtitles on. She actually laughs at them most of the time because they’re just totally wrong.
IanD
November 19, 2017
Agree with all of the comments given above. At our home, TV subtitles are always on, 24/7. My hearing children and step-children are fine with it – they even have subtitles switched on permanently on their TVs at their respective homes where there are no Deaf people present. Ask your husband if he would ask a wheelchair user to put their wheelchair outside because it is too intrusive and takes up too much room?
Jane Riley
November 19, 2017
Seeing that you go to another room to read books…why not get your very own tv…not only you’ll be able to put subtitles on…you can watch whatever you like!!! If your OH gets lonely…tough luck!!
CharlesG
November 20, 2017
My partner is happy with the subtitles. Before I would turn up the volume or ask “what did he say?”….”what did he say?”….”what did he say?” Enough to make anyone crazed. 🙂 The subtitles are always on now and it has made watching TV so much better.
What your husband is doing is not treating you as an equal and letting his needs override your requirements: the “I come first” syndrome. Either make him buy a TV for you to use (even nicer than the one you currently have) or simply take the remote, turn on the subtitles and tell him to live with it or go read a book. His choice. Don’t accept YOU have to be deprived or YOU have to have leave and read a book. Demand equality, never compromise for less.
Other than divorce, the only other option is to pester him and ask him “what did he say?”, “Did he say ….?”.