Charlie Swinbourne: I’ve experienced loneliness, like too many deaf people

With the appointment of a Minister for loneliness this week, looking to carry on the work of the late MP Jo Cox, the subject of feeling lonely and isolated has been much discussed across newspapers, TV and radio.

It is said that 20% of people feel lonely, and that there’s an ‘epidemic’ of loneliness. While it was once seen as something that mainly affected older people, there’s evidence that many younger people feel lonely too.

The creation of the new government role followed a recommendation in a report by the Jo Cox commission, which worked with 13 charities to come up with ideas to tackle the problem.

Some of the blame has been put on modern life, as people move around more, families live further apart, and people use electronic devices ahead of face-to-face conversations.

Media coverage this week has mentioned how loneliness can affect people with a disability but not (from what I’ve seen) in any depth and not specifically with regard to deafness.

I’ve not written about this before, and to be honest it’s not something I find easy to write about, but I’ve experienced feelings of loneliness at certain points in my life, linked to my deafness.

Growing up going to mainstream school, where I couldn’t hear well in classrooms or with other pupils, there were times when I really felt left out, unable to fully be a part of what was happening around me.

I felt lonely sometimes when surrounded by friends, in classrooms, or walking around at lunchtime, because although I was physically there, I didn’t feel included.

In my early 20s, I lived in London and for a time, I found myself in between the deaf and hearing worlds. I’d started moving into the deaf world, working with deaf people and making deaf friends, but I was early on in that process – I hadn’t built up strong friendships yet.

At the same time, because I’d moved towards the deaf world, I had stopped seeing my hearing friends as often as before.

I remember some weekends when I found I didn’t have anyone to meet up with, no family nearby, and I didn’t really know what to do. Some Saturdays and Sundays, I used to walk around central London on my own, going to bookshops and having a coffee, and feeling, yep, lonely.

At that time, it was a relief when Monday came round and I could go to work, and be around other people again. In time, as I made more friends and became more busy, those feelings lifted.

From my experience, loneliness is something that many deaf people have felt at various moments in their life. It could even be said to be a common experience for deaf people, particularly when growing up.

For some deaf people, loneliness starts at home. I was lucky to have deaf parents who I could communicate easily with, but some deaf children grow up unable to understand their parents or other family members easily. (There’s a reason the play Tribes focused on the events around a family table).

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Check out your local NDCS children’s groups if you know of a deaf child who doesn’t currently meet up and spend time around other deaf children.

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I remember at Christmas, one of my brother’s deaf friends asked if he could visit our house on Christmas day, because he felt so left out with his own family.

Then there’s big family events – weddings, parties, funerals. Some deaf people have told me about sitting in the corner at these events, unable to mix with others, wondering when they’d be able to leave.

A positive thing about deaf schools or PHUs is how deaf pupils can mix with deaf peers, with communication being far more straightforward. Too many deaf children at mainstream schools feel the same way as I did, perhaps worse, with inadequate support, a situation which is getting worse.

Sometimes though, it’s after school when things get harder. University, finding yourself in halls without any firm friendships, can be particularly hard for deaf people, especially at first, when you don’t know a city, and everyone around you is making friends.

Then there’s work. For many non-deaf people, mixing with colleagues and following the ins and outs of their lives helps them enjoy their workplace, but for deaf people, communication barriers can mean being quite (or very) isolated during the working week.

The key, for me, is mixing with deaf people who get where you’re coming from, and nowadays many of my strongest friendships are with other deaf people (I still have some close, valued hearing friends, who are deaf-aware!).

Deaf clubs may be in decline, but I’ve visited some thriving clubs recently as part of research for a new project, and I’ve seen how they are a lifeline for their members.

Many of the people I’ve met at the Deaf clubs have told me how they felt ‘something missing,’ and lonely, before they came to their Deaf club. Then they found people they could relate to, communicate with, and their lives and wellbeing improved.

Smartphones and devices get a bad press, but they’re a lifeline for some Deaf people who communicate with others using apps like Facebook and Whats App, or in BSL through Facetime.

Of course, the flip side of this argument is whether technology means some Deaf people meet up less often (or just mix in their own social circles) and may even be the reason some Deaf clubs have closed – one woman said to me recently that she thinks “mobile phones have ruined the Deaf community.”

Sport is another option for Deaf people to come together, with many local football teams, plus other sports too. The beauty of sport is people can play the game first, while developing their communication skills if they don’t already know BSL.

Another place to go is to BSL classes or lipspeaking groups, where communication is at the heart of the group, and should help you connect with others who are already open to (or experiencing) deafness.

James Watson-O’Neill, chief executive at Deaf healthcare charity SignHealth, told me:

“Loneliness can be a serious problem. Not only can it affect mental health, but it has been linked to shorter life expectancy. At SignHealth we see its impact every day. Simple things can be done to overcome loneliness. But Deaf people frequently tell me about the barriers that prevent them taking these simple steps to connect.

“SignHealth believe it is something that needs to be talked about more openly so we can reduce the impact on mental health. It is vitally important that Deaf people are part of that conversation and not overlooked.”

It worries me that while loneliness is on the increase, Deaf clubs and sports clubs are under threat, with some having already closed and others hanging on, trying to keep going.

How will deaf people who feel there is ‘something missing’ find other deaf people they can relate to?

I feel that going forward, more D/deaf people need to support their local clubs and groups, and we also are likely to need to think of innovative ways of coming together, keeping a sense of community and connection going, in order to keep loneliness at bay.

Clearly, deaf people aren’t the only ones dealing with loneliness as it is a society-wide problem, but it is made worse by the communication barriers we face.

What are your experiences of loneliness? Please tell us below in the comments.

If you need help, you can contact the Samaritans by text message on the number 07725 90 90 90, by email using jo@samaritans.org or by using the Next Generation Text (NGT) service.