I didn’t write this quote. I wish I did. I found it on the Internet a while back (author unknown) and it’s become a favourite of mine.
It’s important to me because I recognise that there are aspects of me that aren’t really deemed ‘normal’ by society. And I’ve become aware of the penchant most people have to want to fit in… to blend… to look (for want of a better word) ‘normal.’
But being a deaf, hearing aid wearer and sign language user, I’m automatically in a minority group. And I tend to stand out in certain “Hearing-y” groups. So over the years I figured hey, why not just accept the deaf-rences about myself and get on with it? (Ha! Difference Deaf-rence, see what I did there?)
Yet I have something to confess. One of my ‘deaf-rences’ was actually quite a tricky one for me to accept. It was…. drumroll please… my voice.
You see, growing up in mainstream schools and being constantly oral meant that I was unknowingly trying too hard to sound ‘hearing.’
I had speech therapy, speaking practice and even -as a teenager at boarding school -elocution lessons. (Note to readers: my Black Country accent still exists very proudly)
Answering the register in class, reading out loud, asking the teacher for the phonic ear at the end of every blooming class… I used to worry about whether I was pronouncing words correctly and I had to make extra effort with the high pitched consonants I couldn’t hear; the shushes the ch-ch the t-t-t sounds.
(And who knew that Charlotte is pronounced with a Sh but chocolate is a Ch!? It took me a few years… Awks!)
I remember the horror I felt the day that someone said I sounded deaf. I can’t recall what it was in reference to but I remember feeling absolutely gutted.
The speech therapists always used to say “your speech is really good.” They didn’t add “…for a deaf person.”
And then a few years later when I was working on Grange Hill some director exclaimed “you don’t sound that deaf you just sound like you’ve got a bit of a cold!”
I didn’t know whether to feel flattered or insulted.
When I asked teachers and family members what I sounded like, they all said the same… “you speak so well, it’s very clear!” Yet in my head I was thinking “for a deaf person, right?”
I took it hard. I still felt hearing. I was surrounded by hearing people, hearing culture, hearing-y life. But I didn’t sound like them. I wanted to be the same. I didn’t know it at the time but I was fighting an impossible battle. And the day I lipread a school girl tell her friend that “Beckie speaks weird” my confidence plummeted even more.
I hated speaking in public in class, so much that I used to shake if I had to. My hearing friends would always order food for me if we went out to the cinema or for a bite to eat. I suppose in that stage of my life I didn’t want to be ‘outed’ by my voice as a deafie. I hadn’t found who I was.
I recently watched the channel 4 documentary on Mary Hare School “Life and Deaf” and noticed how the issues of clear speech and confidence in speaking were highlighted there too.
In the programme there were twin girls who were preparing for University. Both with very good, clear, fluent speech. But one in particular lacked confidence when it came to asking for things in public. She was at a shoe store, and wanted to try some shoes on in her size. But she didn’t want to ask the assistant so she got her hearing sister to speak for her.
Watching this I know that a lot of my deaf friends were like whhhaaaat she speaks really well, she should just go and ask! At least she has clear speech!
But I could relate. The ironic thing is even if you’re a deaf person with clear speech, this doesn’t necessarily mean you’re confident at using your voice.
Sometimes it’s not your voice in question that’s the issue but it’s your concern as to whether you will understand the response. So your mind figures it’s better not to even ask… it’s a “no fireworks, no disasters” kind of thinking.
But assertiveness and acceptance of your deaf-rences does come with time. And I have every faith that the girl in question will find her way. But as she mentioned her insecurity about telling strangers she was deaf and asking them to repeat themselves, I’m guessing a little part of her hasn’t accepted her uniqueness just yet.
I saw a lot of myself in that girl (hence this blog!) and it reminded me of how much I’ve changed. Even when I returned to my secondary school for an awards night 3 months after I started at a deaf school, my head of year commented to my Mum how much I had appeared to grow in confidence. All because I said “hello” to him without being spoken to first.
It was mixing with deaf peers and finding a deaf community that got the ball rolling on my journey to self-acceptance. I accepted that my speech, although clear, would never be like a hearing persons, so what’s the use in trying to be or in hiding away?
It wasn’t quick and it wasn’t easy. But bit by bit I said “duck it” (or something along those lines) to all of my hang ups about sounding deaf and I found the voice that I hid away for too long.
I never did approach that girl at school who said I spoke weird. At the time I was too mortified to even consider a comeback. But if I could turn back time … “me, weird? At least I’m not boring…”
Ha. Childish, moi?
Rebecca-Anne Withey is a freelance writer with a background in Performing Arts & Holistic health. Read more of Rebecca’s articles for us here.
She is also profoundly deaf, a sign language user and pretty great lipreader.
Her holistic practices and qualifications include Mindfulness, Professional Relaxation Therapy, Crystal Therapy and Reiki.
She writes on varied topics close to her heart in the hope that they may serve to inspire others.
MW
January 26, 2018
Lovely write up – am in same boat for yonks it made me smile to know that I have deaf-rence to my speech with a cold – hearies leave me alone with your patronising comment that I speak well then why aren’t you speaking well? .
Liz
January 26, 2018
Hi
This post interests me in work context. I work in a hospital environment .( my work is based in and using the resources of the university medical library,all services also provided to NHS )
My question is broadly should i say
“i will sound weird as i have had severe hearing loss since birth”
Or do doctors nurses all health professionals really already know this as soon as i start speaking ?
Old line manager comment – nobody would know that you are deaf
Work colleague comment – yikes!!!! they already know, they can tell they are doctors!
Current line manager – dont know what he thinks
Thanks Rebecca Anne for the post and would be interested in any comments .
Exoeriences in a hospital work environment as opposed to a media and arts work environment
Ken Jones
January 26, 2018
I define ‘normal’ as ‘what I am’. Sorted. Loved the blog.
Lesley sheldon
January 26, 2018
Didn’t know that Charlotte is pronounced with a Sh! No one’s corrected me in all these years! Yes, can identify with problem of understanding what’s being said back therefore I try not to speak to strangers unless required! You won’t catch me canvassing the public!
fivestringguitar
January 26, 2018
hi there. ‘Normal’ always make me smile when I hear someone say “I wish I were normal. After I challenge them to define it I am left with a book of emotions and a cornucopia of ‘things’ that people list.
For me, becoming profoundly deaf very suddenly, destroyed self-confidence, and left me with fears of speaking, fitting in, and being one of the gang.
Wonderful piece you wrote for us today, so thanks.
Warmest,
David
pennybsl
January 26, 2018
One key aspect of us ‘well-spoken Deafies’ to have confidence in the hearing world is the need-to-know awareness of ‘projected voice’.
Yes, we may speak ok in one-to-one or small cluster people chatting, but unless people make us aware, our ‘beautiful voices’ from afar could not be heard.
Our Deaf voices get filtered out halfway across a room.
That is one big regret of the loss of dedicated SALT (Speech & Language Therapy) for Deaf Adults since the 1990s – like in the City Lit – that support enabled us ‘voice awareness and hearing awareness’. Not knowing how well our own voice projects, we are left wondering ‘did they get what I said, or didn’t they?’ overthinking.
No wonder many ‘good deaf speakers’ turn to hearing siblings or friends to speak for them as in shopping.
Great article.
Joy
January 28, 2018
When hearing loss of whatever level inhibits the ability to hear a reply to a question/ comment you make first, it becomes a practical reality in situations requiring communication that you have to stop and ask yourself ‘How do I handle this?’
Realistically ( in noisy environs) the only way may be to rely on a hearing companion to relay the reply to you from a closer location and in ways they have learnt work for you. Or if you prefer the direct approach you could hand the person a pen and paper and ask them to write their reply down, explaining you have a hearing loss right at the start of your interaction. Or ask them to type a reply on your phone/tablet/ whatever.
Assertiveness and being up front are essential skills for any deafened person to have if they want to keep contact open with the hearing world. Hearing loss is nothing to be ashamed of. Build your confidence, smile, keep a sense of humour and keep building bridges with the hearing world.