Have you ever had a song stuck in your head? – An unwanted ear-worm that keeps playing over and over? A catchy piece of music that continually repeats through your mind, long after it has finished playing?
This is similar to how I would describe my tinnitus. But instead of the notion of the song, there is actual ‘noise’, and the music never stops playing. There is no end to the record.
Tinnitus is defined as the perception of noise or ringing in the ears or head. The noise is not from an external source, and can manifest itself in many forms. The varying sounds have been described as whistling, whirring, clicking, screeching, hissing, ringing, buzzing, pulsing, whooshing, or even musical.
Tinnitus is a symptom of an underlying condition such as hearing loss, ear injury or circulation problems. From the moment I lost the hearing in my left ear, I simultaneously gained these unwanted sounds. My life became noisier.
My tinnitus feeds off salt and sugar, caffeine and alcohol, and feasts on a lack of sleep. Exposure to loud noise makes my tinnitus worse; giving it energy, enabling it to accelerate or become louder, and more prominent. Sometimes it is so loud that it is difficult to hear or concentrate on ‘real’ sounds.
Sometimes it steals my attention from conversation. My tinnitus seems to be related to the pressure I feel in my ears and head. Louder or faster tinnitus means more pressure, sometimes culminating in a pain that feels like the inside of my ear is being stretched to full capacity; to the point of something bursting.
For some people their tinnitus comes and goes, and for others it is constant, chronic and persistent. Mine is ever-present. It will often fade into the background of my days; everyday noises will usually mask it, forcing it away from my attention. Yet, there is the cruelty of finding a peaceful moment, or going for a walk in the countryside, and realising the tinnitus has no ‘real’ background noise to overcome. It bounds into the foreground, onto the stage for full attention.
At night-time there are no ‘real’ sounds to mask it. At night-time it loves the limelight; gobbling it up with glee. The more I focus on it, the more layers of noise I discover. The foundation layer is the sensation of being underwater. I am under the sea, swimming deeper and deeper; water whooshing past my ears.
With more focus, electronic-sounding agonised moans begin to emerge. A violin enters the stage; playing a continuous high-pitched and out of tune note that wavers painfully up and down in tone.
The sound of an old metal kettle materialises, boiling with the shrill continuous whistle; demanding to be taken off the heat. Occasionally there is a piercing spark of noise; like the sound you’d expect your finger to make if you were turning something magically to ice.
Sometimes the moans sound like melancholy singing. A penetrating fog horn begins to sound. A burst of crackling radio static joins the chorus, as the knob of an analogue radio is turned; seeking out a resonating frequency and occasionally skipping past the notion of a word or a piece of music. I make pictures with my mind. I form images around the sounds.
The more I focus, the more elaborate the scenes become. Wailing prisoners bound and shackled, all in a row, somewhere in the distance. Someone is trying to scream, but is not able to make the desired sound, just a sharp continuous squeal. There is someone drying their hair in another room…
… When I stop feeding it my attention, it’s back to swimming underwater.
My tinnitus is like being in an argument I don’t want to be part of. I am engaged in a duel I didn’t sign up for. At times it can be a torture. I am always fighting. I stay busy. I take my mind off it. I surround myself with everyday sounds.
I find myself observing people on the street, on the Metro, in bars, restaurants and parks. I wonder whether they too have these unwanted noises. Are they too trying to ignore the record that won’t stop playing?
I choose to ignore my tinnitus with as little effort as possible. Since the more effort used, the more attention it receives, and then it starts to win the battle. It’s a paradox I must fight. I wish for the noises to stop. I dream of relishing a quiet moment, but I can’t remember silence.
Carly says:
Hi, My name is Carly. I am 36 years old and I am currently living in Spain. I am originally from a small seaside town in Yorkshire called Bridlington, and have also lived in China and Thailand. I am an Early Years primary school teacher, and have been teaching for nearly 13 years. I love spending time with my sister and her boyfriend, walking in the countryside, getting lost in Madrid, my boyfriend, traveling, going out for breakfast, my family and friends, taking photos, listening to music, storytelling podcasts, baking, running, drinking wine, and eating spicy food.
In August 2016 I experienced sudden sensorineural hearing loss in my left ear. I started a blog as a way of informing my friends and family of my progress; for anyone who is going through a similar experience as me; or for anybody who is interested in learning about this type of hearing loss, and the way it can affect everyday life.
You can find my blog here: https://myhearinglossstory.wordpress.com/
Vera
August 22, 2018
This is such great writing, Carly. Write more!
myhearinglossstory
August 26, 2018
Thank you Vera for the lovely comment 🙂
David Stowe
August 22, 2018
I was born deaf in both ears. My tinnitus has been following me for the best part of 35 years of my life. I will shortly be 58 years old. My 24/7 tinnitus sound like a smoke alarm with a high pitched sensation. I cannot deny it comes to this stage of my life, where it is trespassing my mental health.
I consider myself a reasonable healthy guy, 2 units of alcohol a week, cook and eat healthy food, and only recently started to work for myself, because after 35 working years I had simply had enough of a majority of negative people surrounded me.
My tinnitus likes to annoy me day and night, hearing aids on or off. It is categorised as a bully, but I won’t give it the pleasure. A bit, like laughing death in the face. However, I do have some “dark” moments. When I do, I look at the photos on my phone of my one month old grandson, cradled by his loving mum (my daughter), that’s when my reaper backs-off.
I feel for you Carly, just in the same way as I would do to anybody with this medical fault, which is very much in its early stages of our comprehension. And who knows, there may be a remedy. I may sound a little negative, but I am practical, that this faulty sound is coming from my brain. And dealing with the “Mother- board” of the human body is indeed one fragile, delicate and mysterious area.
I really hope science and research continues its work, with as much funding it can receive, even though we are all going through tough economic times, globally.
In the meantime, while we are here in life; be merry, dance and stay positive.
David Stowe.
myhearinglossstory
August 26, 2018
Hello David
Thank you so much for reading and for your detailed comment.
I identify with you when you describe your tinnitus as a bully. Yes, it just keeps trying to aggravate and never goes away. I too have times where I find it really difficult to deal with, especially when I am tired or stressed. Just as you look at the photos of your grandson and daughter, I think about all the things I love – my boyfriend, my sister, family and friends, travel, good food and drink etc, and these thoughts soon brighten any grey feelings.
I am sure everyone with a hearing loss or tinnitus or other related issues has similar difficult times, and it is refreshing to read your honest account. It is difficult dealing with tinnitus, and often it is hard to explain to others how tiring it can be.
You are right, we are here in life, and so we should make the most of our days and make sure we spend our time doing things that make us happy.
Take care
Carly
RuthM
August 22, 2018
Fantastic writing and description. I understand them very well!
myhearinglossstory
August 26, 2018
Hello Ruth. Thank you for reading, and for commenting!
Robert Mandara
August 23, 2018
This is the best description of tinnitus I have ever read! I too have it 24/7, remaining ever-hopeful that it might one day subside.
myhearinglossstory
August 26, 2018
Hello Robert. Thank you for reading and for the wonderful comment 🙂 I wrote the description over a period of nights – every time I couldn’t sleep due to my tinnitus, i wrote down the noises I could hear…I realised the more I tried to hear them, the louder and more intricate they became.
I will continue to remain hopeful also that one day it may subside.
Take care
Carly
Equality, Diversity and Inclusion
September 8, 2018
Great description – you took the sounds right out of my ear! I’m also a 36 year old teacher with hearing loss who can relate to your experiences – thanks for sharing x
myhearinglossstory
September 9, 2018
Hello, and thank you for reading and commenting! Wow, we have a lot in common! I hope you have the support you need at school and in the classroom. Have a good week! Best wishes, Carly.