Liam O’Dell: Exploring my relationship with silence

It’s either 2015 or 2016 – I can’t remember – but I’m lying down on a sofa in my student accommodation.

My deadlines are complete, I’ve caught up on my favourite TV shows and I have no plans for the evening. I stare at the ceiling, trying to make sense of the fact that this is one of those moments where I have nothing to do. Then the tinnitus starts.

This was a rarity. Most of the time you can find me sorting out my email inbox, writing articles or organising social media content. For the longest time, I’ve joked that I must constantly be kept busy so as not to have an existential crisis and worry about what’s next on my agenda, yet I now wonder if there’s a subconscious reason in amongst this all.

Am I afraid of those moments of silence? Have all these years of being a self-proclaimed workaholic been partly down to the fact that silence is not only a weird concept in my busy lifestyle, but also as a deaf individual?

As much as we hear about deaf people’s relationships with sound, we don’t hear much about our connection with silence. Although a fictional tale, I’m currently reading Dark Pines by Will Dean, in which the main character – a deaf journalist – talks about those moments where she takes out her hearing aids and is met with pure silence.

Yet, with my tinnitus, it’s something I will probably never experience. If the sounds of public transport, electronic music or friendly chatter aren’t keeping me occupied, then it’s the silence where the kettle whistling-like sound comes to the fore.

As such, I’m left wondering just how much of my need to be constantly working, to always be surrounded by noise, discussions and atmosphere, is down to my dislike towards those silent moments plagued by tinnitus. As weird as it may be, tinnitus may be my subconscious motivator for getting stuff done. I will never experience silence, so perhaps I keep myself busy so that my life is full of sound?

The frequently asked questions when telling others that I’m deaf usually centre around my interactions with sound. How do I enjoy music? What exactly can you hear? While these are valid questions and likely lead to interesting discussions, conversations about our connection with silence have the potential to be just as eye-opening and intriguing.

Photo: Rainbow J. Summer.

Liam is a mildly deaf freelance journalist and blogger from Bedfordshire. He wears bilateral hearing aids and makes the occasional video about deaf awareness on his YouTube channel. He can also be found talking about disability, politics, theatre, books and music on his Twitter, or on his blog, The Life of a Thinker.