Rebecca-Anne Withey: ‘Dinner table syndrome’ is for life, not just for Christmas

There’s been a lot of talk in the deaf community lately about “dinner table syndrome,” which featured in the Christmas special of BBC2’s See Hear.

It’s true to say that for many, Christmas gatherings are met with dread rather than excitement due to all the hearing people (or as I call them, ‘hearingies’) that have to be lipread. It’s hard work to say the least.

But I’d like to take it a step further and say – actually – forget about it just being a “dinner table” syndrome, this is something that happens daily for deaf people worldwide and undoubtedly contributes to feelings of low confidence and isolation.

We get left out. People don’t think to include us. Or they think it’s too hard. Or that we won’t understand. So they panic. And they leave us alone.

I, too, was very quiet at family gatherings growing up. But my sister is also deaf, so at least we could chat to each other. Our family didn’t sign so when the festive banters were in full swing, we tended to end up sat on the sofa watching the telly and scoffing trifle without a clue as to what was being said.

As kids we never thought to complain about it. We assumed it was the norm. And our relatives, bless them, thought it was the status quo to communicate to us through our parents.

Nowadays our Christmas meals are much more accessible. We sign, we speak and our “make sure everyone’s included” radars are very much switched on.

But it still happens to me socially. I make a friend, they know I’m deaf and initially it’s super easy to communicate with them. But then! *cue dramatic music*  they invite me to a gathering and there’s other hearingies there who have never met a deaf person before…!

All of a sudden my new hearing buddy has somehow forgotten I’m deaf and they’re chatting amongst themselves, leaving me stood like a lemming wondering who to try and lipread next.

Should I…

1. Loudly remind everyone that I cannot lipread the backs of their heads…?
2. Revert to my childhood days, stay to enjoy the food and drink but find a television or mobile screen and zone out…?
3. Make my excuses and leave?

All options are tempting and I’ve probably done them all in different settings.

But at the end of the day, what I wish hearing people would remember about social gatherings is very simple….

Interacting with hearing people is tiring.

If you don’t sign, my attention to lipreading is intense and exhausting. And even if you know the odd sign, having to make myself clearly understood is hard work too. So if I don’t stay at gatherings for very long or I seem quiet – you’ll know why!

I’m only deaf.

You can still chat to me about politics, worldwide issues, celebrity gossip! You don’t always have to ask me about makaton, Mr Tumble or that rude sign you learnt at college. My deafness isn’t the only interesting thing about me.

If you’re nervous – imagine how I must feel.

Yes, it’s daunting having to approach and chat to someone who’s “different” but in a room full of hearing people – who’s the minority here? I really appreciate it when people make the smallest effort to say hi, it can really break the ice!

Where there’s a will there’s a way.

I don’t care if you have a stutter, if you’re foreign, if you can’t sign to save your life. If you want to communicate to someone, you will find a way. Please don’t ignore a deaf person just because you think you “can’t speak to them.” We are only human and believe it or not – despite our well trained smiles – when we get ignored (again) it blooming hurts.

Do you feel the same? What would YOU say to make others understand your struggles in social environments?

Wishing you a happy, chatty, INCLUSIVE Christmas!

Rebecca-Anne Withey is a freelance writer with a background in Performing Arts & Holistic health. Read more of Rebecca’s articles for us here.

She is also profoundly deaf, a sign language user and pretty great lipreader. 

Her holistic practices and qualifications include Mindfulness, Professional Relaxation Therapy, Crystal Therapy and Reiki. 

She writes on varied topics close to her heart in the hope that they may serve to inspire others.