Teresa Garratty: Christmas deaf wins

Unless you are a brain in a jar you will undoubtedly have noticed that Christmas is upon us…

There’s a lot of reasons for deaf people in particular to loathe this time of year with a passion but apparently, that’s not good for you.

I’ve been told that it’s good practice to seek out the positive side of things, so let’s give it a good ol’ festive GO!

Music

Xmas music is rife, like a 16^th century bubonic plague. You can’t go anywhere without it infecting the atmosphere.

Not a problem for us deafies though! With a simple flick of a switch we can plunge ourselves into a blissfully silent, Paul McCartney free paradise.*

*does not apply to actual bubonic plagues*

Stealth Mode

This one goes out to all the parents of deaf kids. To pertain the ridiculous illusion that is “Father Christmas”, you don’t have to sneak around like a criminal in your own home.

Rustle that wrapping paper, tear that tape and shove those gifts under the tree with reckless abandon. Those kiddies will be none the wiser.

WARNING!

The reverse of this is hearing kids with deaf parents. Deaf parents might think they’re sneaking around like an invisible ninja ghost but in actual fact they’re probably making so much noise that somewhere, in Spain, there’s a bull in a china shop wondering where the hell that racket is coming from.

With any luck though, the amount of noise pollution might actually convince the hearing children that there is indeed a fat bloke trying to squeeze down the chimney.

Arguments

At some point you’ll come across the inevitable family argument. It’s a tradition. Just like the tree, the mince pies and crap weather, it wouldn’t be Christmas without a good ol’ fashioned family bust up.

But for those of us in hearing majority families, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.  It will probably start around the time your hearing, drunk, casually racist uncle brings up the whole Brexit debacle but you don’t have to worry about this, ‘Dinner Table Syndrome’ to the rescue!

You can easily duck out of the conversation and just go watch TV with your nan. She’ll provide much better company anyway and she’s been asleep since she got there. Actually, it might be a good idea to check her pulse while you’re there.

Kids Toys

If you’ve got *shudders* children in the family, some selfish, insensitive bunghole (possibly you) will have gifted a toy that plays some kind of good awful incessant jingle.

The child will of course want to play with said toy over and over and over and…(you get the gist).

As a deafie, you’ll be immune to this particular form of psychological torture, so you can just kick back and relax while watching the hearing members of your family slowly descend into madness.

Xmas Crackers

Hearing family members have an innate fear of the pitiful amount of pyrotechnics involved in pulling Christmas crackers.

They make odd, constipated faces as they brace for what they think will be an explosion equating to that of an atomic bomb. Deaf family members DGAF. We are fearless.

Pets

While it might seem like a bit of a raw deal when you get left out a family get together it can actually be a blessing in disguise.

It provides the perfect excuse to seek out the nearest family pet and befriend it for the entirety of your stay. Avoid people AND hang out with animals. If that’s not winning then I don’t know what is.

Last but most definitely not least, I think we can all agree that somewhere along the way, we’ve all met fellow deafies that we hold dear in our hearts.

Extended ‘deaf family‘

We may not be related by blood but we’re bound by special things like a love of subtitles, a hatred of intercoms and discounted train fare.

Having a ‘deaf family’ is a Christmas bonus that no pay cheque can amount to, (I do accept cheques though, if you’d like to prove me wrong), and what’s more it’s something you can appreciate all year round!

Well, I don’t know about you but I’m actually feeling quite merry now. I think I need to sit down and  watch a Christmas film I can relate to on a spiritual level….The Grinch.

Read more of Teresa’s posts (with cartoons!) by clicking here.

Teresa is a freelance film maker, photographer and full time cynic. At school, she was voted “Most likely to end up in a lunatic asylum”, a fate which has thus far been avoided. Her pet hates are telephones, intercoms and all living things. Follow her on Twitter as @TGarratty