Emily Howlett: Our frantic online interaction needs to be worth it 

We live in a world that has, in recent years, become too fast for us. The speed at which society has made technological advances is far, far greater than the speed at which we can adapt to them.

Our brains are doing all these new, amazing things… but each of us also has a ‘basic brain’ that is still looking out for sabre-toothed tigers. The ‘basic brain’ only really cares about our pack, the small group of people we know well and rely on to survive. 

But now, that small group encompasses the whole globe. Brains that have taken millions of years to evolve cannot adjust to a whole new way of thinking, reacting and interacting in a few decades.

So, we are trying to use our rational brains to speed up evolution and convince ourselves that we can actually do all the things, talk to all of the people, try all of the experiences and be totally involved in any number of things ALL THE TIME… and our ‘basic brains’ are finding it exhausting. 

Evolution has designed us perfectly for living in small, close-knit communities that support each other. Yet, we often say we have hundreds, or even thousands of friends. Just look at the average ‘friends’ count on Facebook! But, how many people can we actually, truly invest in?

I’m not saying we shouldn’t have lots and lots people we care about. I’m suggesting we need to be careful not to spread ourselves too thin.

Each of us has a limited amount of energy and emotion we can share with others before we burn out. And so we have to decide each day where we want to spend that time and energy. (Side note; it’s UTTERLY wasted when you use it up screaming into the void of pointless arguments on social media.) 

Imagine it takes the same amount of energy to engage briefly with 50 acquaintances as it does to have a detailed, personalised conversation with two close friends. Which would you choose to do today? (You might feel the opposite tomorrow, and that’s fine! We can only ever really deal with today.) 

Or, think about a time you’ve had to talk to a group of people for work purposes, and what that cost you in energy. It isn’t selfish to think of it as a cost, or price to pay, because, especially during these strange times, that’s exactly what it is.

And that’s why it’s so important to make sure that the benefit, whatever you gain from the interaction, whatever you have paid for, is worth it.

This could be solving an issue at work, laughing among friends, connecting with a partner, supporting someone in your family; it doesn’t have to be big, but it should be as positive for you as it can be. Or, if it isn’t going to be positive and is unavoidable, try and balance it with something else, somewhere else in your day. 

We have all this technology to keep us connected, and it is invaluable, but sometimes it makes things worse. Our minds, hands and voices are talking to people as if they are present with us, but they aren’t, and our bodies and ‘basic brain’ know that.

It’s called dissonance, and is even worse for those of us who rely on small physical cues, lip-reading or smooth signs. And it’s not just about communication; it is remarkable how difficult it can be talking to loved ones and not being able to touch them. 

It is ok to be grateful for the technology, while at the same time being frustrated by it. Just like we are often grateful for our friends and relatives, but also get cross with them from time to time. 

It is also ok to let other people share pictures of their family, their Zoom meetings, their dogs and their plants without focusing on “But I don’t have that”. 

It is ok to let other people share pictures of their tidy, productive workspaces, and the stacks of books they are devouring, without focusing on “But I don’t have that”. 

They do have that, and what you have is different. It isn’t greater or lesser. It’s different.

Some people are having a more difficult time than others right now. There are people losing loved ones who cannot attend a funeral. There are people trapped in abusive houses.

And there are people who are struggling because they have 10,000 Facebook friends but they haven’t spoken to a real person for three weeks.

You may be in one of these situations yourself, or you may be dealing with other challenges. They aren’t greater or lesser. Just different.

And there are also a LOT of good things happening. No person or home is happy 100% of the time, but if you look for the positives, they are there and people are sharing them.

Unfortunately they may not be the same positives you have, but that doesn’t make them greater or lesser. Just different. You’re allowed to embrace them or ignore them, whichever you feel like doing.

We now have connections to almost the whole world. But we still have our old ‘basic brains’. We can’t hold ALL of those connections in our heads, ALL of the time.

We can’t ALWAYS, at every moment, think of every person out there. I think all we can do is try to be compassionate and supportive in general. Share the good stuff we have, without agenda or competition, and let others do the same.

Engage with things that empower you and make you happy. Let the other stuff slip past; even if you didn’t appreciate it today, it might make someone else feel good, and that’s ok. Do what you can, when you can, for whoever you can.

And don’t feel bad when the only person you can take care of today is you. You’re the most important one of all. 

Emily Howlett is a profoundly Deaf actress, writer and teacher. She makes an awful lot of tea. And mess. She now has not one, but four grey eyebrow hairs. C’est la vie. She tweets as @ehowlett