Sara Kendall: Being a deaf first-time parent (with BSL video)

First of all, I do not want anyone to think oh, she is talking about the challenges of being a Deaf mother living in a ‘hearing world’. That this is just another one of those ‘poor me’ and pity posts – far from it.

Watch a BSL version signed by Abigail Gorman below, or scroll down to continue in English

I just wanted to write an article that showed the reality of being a Deaf parent and the challenges we as Deaf parents face compared to hearing parents face. It begs the question of why is it not being talked about openly and frankly?

I don’t always want to talk about the hard stuff because I don’t want parents to read what I say and only hear the challenging parts of what I am saying. I don’t want them talking about how tough life is being deaf, let alone being a deaf parent.

Being deaf is not this awful, horrible and upsetting experience but sometimes it’s not easy either, especially when living alongside hearing people, in a community that relies on speech.

But the ‘hard stuff’ needs to be talked about. It needs to be acknowledged so we do not feel isolated, and we need to share this guilt we have for our children ‘missing’ out on stuff because we are deaf.

As a first time parent, I anticipated there would be some challenges of having a new baby. All those sleepless nights, being tired but somehow finding the energy to see the endless visitors wanting to have a glimpse of your newborn baby.

You worry whether your baby is feeding well or not. The relief when your other half comes home and takes the baby off you when you have been glued to its side all day. (Witching hours!). These are the challenges every parent can empathise with.

I was prepared for these things (you can’t really be prepared until you actually traverse through this!) but it was common knowledge that navigating these challenges would be part of the territory as a new parent. This is very generic, these are the challenges everyone – deaf or hearing – encounters.

When I was on my maternity leave for a year (which I know I am privileged to have and will always treasure!), I discovered firsthand that it can be a bit lonely when the other half goes to work and you are at home with your newborn baby.

Your family and friends are going on with their lives as usual. They suggest meeting up in the evenings when they finish work…..Not ideal when you are a first time parent trying to establish a routine and you’re too knackered for that anyway.

So weekends it is. This leaves you a LOT of time with the baby during the week, just the two of you. Hence the frequent trips exploring different cafes. Cafe owners must have made a killing from masses of parents on maternity leave!

Anyway, I have seen many parents in those cafes meeting up with their babies. The opportunities for them to meet other parents was much easier, they were able to attend various playgroups, to network with new parents locally who they probably met in the park (Damn, Deaf friends are scattered all over the place as usual!) and the ease of attending places with nil worries how they are going to communicate or whether they are able to follow the classes.

I looked for things I could do during the week with my baby, but I realised that as a Deaf parent, this was not going to be easy. It was like a domino effect of me finding that a LOT of things were inaccessible. Things like going to playgroups locally, this was met with affirmations that i would be welcome but there would be a lot of talking and at one playgroup, they turn the lights out to encourage the babies to be in touch with their sensory needs…..wow, it would be difficult for me to lipread people in the dark(!)

I was also anticipating that I would have to make ‘small talk’ with the parents in the playgroups on top of that. This certainly did not appeal to me, so when I found out from a local deaf mother (who has also become a friend!) that there was a Sure Start playgroup being run locally that aimed to cater to parents who were deaf or have a child that was deaf, I was elated!

I realise that I am lucky to have had this opportunity as I know many other deaf parents who do not live in our area don’t have this. I also found a class that focused more on sensory activities for the babies so it was interactive for all involved.

To be fair, the barriers I was trying to navigate as a Deaf mother really started way before in the early days of having my baby when I attended the antenatal classes (which were on Zoom due to the restrictions implemented by COVID).

The parents of that class had set up a WhatsApp group afterwards so we could share our pregnancy journeys and to use it as a platform to offer support and tips.

Subsequently the babies kept arriving afterwards with the first baby being born seven weeks before the last baby was born. I thought to myself, how great to have these babies being close in age and that I could WhatsApp parents that may be in a similar boat as me.

They suggested meeting up someplace so we could meet each other properly and chose a date which was scheduled for the week after…this did not allow sufficient time for me to organise a BSL interpreter let alone paying for one on my maternity leave pay!

I conceded that I could go by myself and attempt to try lip reading and other methods of communicating. But I thought as a first time parent with a few-weeks-old baby in tow, this was too much hassle and stress so I did not
attend.

I had missed out an opportunity to network with them. They continue meeting up every week, the last time I heard. This brings me to ‘mum guilt’ thinking that these babies are the same ages as my baby and they could have been friends. I ‘deprived’ my son of this opportunity.

But I realised my baby does have many opportunities to meet different people of different backgrounds through places that are accessible for all. He still goes to playgroups and meets with other children. My baby is a wonderful happy individual and this shows me what I am doing is right for us both and ultimately, this is all I need as a first time mother navigating through this motherhood journey.

However, this also spurred me on to set up a group of deaf first time parents with babies being born in the same year which is still going now. I also set up a facebook group for Deaf parents living in Midlands to meet up bi-monthly in various locations. I would like this to be expanded further rather than just meeting up at soft plays with ideas of having day trips, attending workshops and more. I know this requires effort but if i do not do anything about it,
who will?

We need deaf parents to recognise there are strengths in numbers and it requires effort from all involved. I have seen some great groups set up by Deaf parents but it is mostly focused in London. It would be great to see how we can unite together to ensure no deaf parents are left behind all over the UK.

Sara describes herself as “a wanderluster who loves exploring different countries and sampling the local food” She chose to specialise in post 14 education sector after qualifying as a teacher. She admits she has a very sweet tooth so she loves nothing more than drinking a cup of tea and reluctantly sharing a cake with her son!