Interview: TwoDeafDads of Instagram and their surrogacy journey

Having recently discovered the joys of Instagram I was delighted to discover a new BSL vlog account called TwoDeafDads. The account follows Sam and Matthew, a Deaf married couple from London and it delivers information in BSL about how to become a family via surrogacy

I chatted to TwoDeafDads – while baby was sleeping! – to find out more.

Hi guys! So why did you decide to set something up on social media?

Sam: We realised that there wasn’t any information available online in BSL about surrogacy and we felt with having our own surrogacy journey we could share that. Our own process of learning about surrogacy involved so much reading and translating so we felt we wanted to distribute what we had learnt in BSL.

We were happy to publicly share our story in the hope that it would be helpful and useful to others, not just for those who were personally looking to consider surrogacy as an option but also for general awareness for those who didn’t know much about it before.

Do you work together on producing the videos?

Matthew: I edit the videos as I’m currently on leave from work so it’s a perfect opportunity to use my time for this when baby sleeps! The surrogate actually supports the translation to English, and then once I complete the video edit I add all of the captions. This process takes a long time, many hours of hard work! But its really worth the effort because I want to raise awareness.

So going back to the beginning, how did you two meet?

Sam: I actually grew up in the Midlands with a hearing family, I went to mainstream primary school and moved to a secondary boarding school for the deaf. After University I moved to London for work but prior to moving I met Matthew in Bristol at a deaf camping festival.

We kept in touch, started a long distance relationship before moving in together, getting married and we will be celebrating ten years together this August!

Matthew:  I grew up in Cornwall, raised by a hearing family, and went to mainstream schools.  I found the deaf world really through drama workshops run by the National Deaf Children’s Society.

One of my friends was a student at Bristol University so I often went along to meet up and socialise!

I had always wanted to move to London so when I did meet Sam (who was already living there) I was even more determined to move! We bought a flat, started a family, now we are two tired parents!

How did you decided upon surrogacy as the option for starting a family?

Sam: Initially we looked into surrogacy and we quickly realised how many barriers it had especially for deaf people. We found out how in America the cost of funding a surrogate was huge, with some people even selling their house! We realised that the UK laws were different and not great here because you’re unable to draw up a contract for those involved. So you really do have to rely on trust.

Matthew:  We found three non for profit organisations we could turn to but they couldn’t provide interpreters so we decided then to put surrogacy on hold and looked into adoption. We found even more barriers.

Sam: With some private adoption agencies, their attitude towards providing interpreters was more like ‘it may be best for you to bring a friend,’ as they didn’t have funds for interpreters so this would only leave us with the option of exploring council based adoption agencies, which we aren’t against but it left us with fewer choices.

We also encountered some strange attitudes from private agencies who would say things like “you’re deaf, you wont be able to hear a baby crying.” We did find one council who we felt comfortable with but then things changed suddenly.

Matthew:  A close friend, who I’ve known for years, came to us and offered to be the surrogate. She had been asking us for several years if she could support us but we had always said no. This time it felt right. She told us how serious she was. So we agreed and went ahead.

What were your main concerns when you started the process?

Sam: Because it was all brand new, we didn’t know what to expect. As we were the Intended Parents (as is called in the surrogate process) it was natural for us to have a little bit of fear at the back of our minds as to whether the surrogate may change her mind.

There were other ‘what ifs’ related to whether the process would work, whether the pregnancy would go smoothly but we had to trust each other. I’m sure the surrogate had her own fears – what if we suddenly decided that we didn’t want the baby?! So it went both ways really.

Matthew: We resolved our worries by being open and trusting each other, keeping in touch and talking to each other. It helped that we were already good friends and we visited her every week, attending every antenatal appointment too.

So once you decided surrogacy was going to go ahead – what happened?

Matthew: Well after our initial conversation with the surrogate, we all went away and had a long chat. We did our research and then came together again to talk and go over any questions or concerns we had.

Sam: As we are not able to create a surrogate contract in this country we put together a ‘Surrogate Agreement’ instead. The government had some guidelines online which listed things we should consider, and we went through each point in detail to ensure we knew who would make necessary decisions and to decide beforehand what we would do in each situation should it arise.

What challenges were there through the process?

Sam: As the three of us are all deaf it meant we needed interpreters for all appointments. This included midwife appointments and also additional appointments such as those that we had with the hospital to explain what our surrogacy agreement was. We’ve also had to work hard to translate everything we read in English online into BSL.

The first problem we encountered was when at the hospital we were given a trainee intepreter instead of a fully qualified interpreter which affected the quality of translation. We had to explain to the hospital and that a ‘registered’ interpreter does not mean fully qualified – it can be either a trainee or fully qualified one.

Matthew and I would ring the appropriate department at the hospital before any appointment to check we had a fully qualified interpreter attending, so that the surrogate had less pressure and could focus on herself.

Matthew:  Our hospital was really respectful, open minded, supportive of our surrogate journey and also of us being deaf BSL users. As soon as we explained to the hospital what our communication needs were they were really obliging and I’m really grateful for that.

Sam: We were even supported throughout the court process with fully qualified interpreters for every single appointment which was fantastic.

Looking back, how were you feeling throughout it all?

Sam: It was definitely up and down! I felt excitement, worry, anxiety. I was especially nervous in the six weeks prior to the birth, worrying that the baby would turn my life upside down and I didn’t know what to expect. I couldn’t sleep either which was silly as I should have been making the most of sleep before baby came along! I was just really emotional and apprehensive about what to expect.

Matthew: I do remember one point when all of us were thrown by emotion… Initially when we spoke about the surrogate perhaps undergoing a caesarean, it was agreed that Sam and I would both be present in the operating theatre. However when the time came around, the hospital told us that only one of us was allowed to be present.

All three of us stuck our heels in the ground and refused to choose just one to go through. So luckily the decision was changed, and the three of us were all together in the operating theatre.

Did everything go smoothly with the birth?

Sam: Oh yes, and we had an interpreter present which was fantastic.

Matthew:  The birth was actually really marvellous. To witness our baby being lifted up from behind the screen was just – wow. We didn’t know the gender beforehand so that was a big moment for us. What really struck me was the feeling of – wow that’s our boy!

Sam: Yes, we were all tired and so overwhelmed. We were also concerned about the surrogate, how she was, with it being such a major operation. We did our best to support her and help her through the recovery process too.

So after meeting your little boy, was it simple enough to become his official parents?

Sam: We had to wait six weeks until we could apply for a parental order application from the family court, and then they got in touch with the surrogate to ask if she acknowledged and accepted our request for parental rights.

After the baby is six weeks old you actually have until baby is six months old to apply, otherwise you’re not able to carry on with the surrogate process.

We’ve been to a Directions hearing at the court where dates were given for deadlines by which they had to receive the appropriate paperwork. A family court reporter then met with us and asked about our surrogate journey, observed baby and also looked at the living and sleeping arrangements for baby in our home.

The family court reporter then met with the surrogate to make sure she has the same expectations and requests as we do, before giving final recommendations to the court for a final hearing date.

The final hearing is a big celebration for those involved, and marks a new chapter of us being legal parents! We have a date for ours, so we are looking forward to the four of us attending and celebrating our journey so far!

A new chapter beckons! Are you enjoying parenthood?

Matthew: We are exhausted, haha! But every second is worth it. We wouldn’t change it for the world. Its been almost six months now and we love it.

Interestingly, for the first few weeks after we had our son, I felt really down. I know a lot of new parents experience ‘baby blues’ perhaps because of the sudden new change. I remember feeling like my life had completely changed! I felt overwhelmed and emotional. Thankfully with Sam’s support it only lasted a few weeks.

Sam: I think I was more anxious prior to baby arriving, this helped me express my worries and work through them beforehand. I love being a Dad now but I do struggle with having to go and work full time and be away from my child. I feel like having to work full time on top of being a new Dad does bring my energy levels down – but I’m not the only one who feels like that!

Finally, what advice would you give to anyone who is considering surrogacy?

Sam: Most importantly, do your research! You can join facebook groups about surrogacy. If you are on Instagram you can follow our account TwoDeafDads and hopefully the information there in BSL will be helpful.

Don’t rush into anything, take time to understand the process and then when you’re comfortable, get the ball rolling. Definitely write up a Surrogacy Agreement as its so important for all involved and for future legal applications.

Matthew: I agree, take your time. Make sure the surrogate fully understands and is aware of what everyone is asking for. Make sure you know what her needs are too!

Follow your gut instinct and most of all – communicate! Don’t assume others what you’re thinking or feeling. That’s how we got through everything – by being open, honest and talking to each other.

 

You can follow Sam and Matthew on TwoDeafDads over on Instagram. 

Interview by Rebecca A. Withey