Emily Howlett: 5 positives about being deaf during lockdown

1) Video chat

I, personally, had never used Zoom before the lockdown. I, personally, see no reason to begin using Zoom now.

Maybe that’s because I am very old, and very anti-social, or maybe because I struggle to understand Skype and have only just mastered Whatsapp Video. But, despite my lack of Zooming, I am still very experienced in the art of video chat.

When you can’t use a telephone to flap your mouth into someone else’s ear over long distance, you use whatever else is available.

Deafies have been using video-calling since it’s been possible, and we’ve had ALL THE TECHNICAL PROBLEMS. We know how to solve them.

We know how to manage our screen time so we don’t get over-tired. We know not to have a meeting with a shirt on your top half, knickers on the bottom and stand up halfway through.

We KNOW it all. Well. Some of us do.  (P.S. Even when we know all this, t’s still exhausting at times!)

2) The Sheer Noise

Hearing people are REALLY NOISY. I say this as someone who is very fond of hearing people, and also very fond of taking my cochlear implant off regularly whenever I am around them.

At this point, I want to be very clear that I am a huge supporter of the NHS and the Thursday Night Clap (although I do think the best way to show appreciation and respect would be to fund it properly and never, EVER vote Conservative).

I heart the NHS, the frontline staff and the key workers, eternally.

And I also heart being able to pull the plug on my hearing when I see 15 children lining the street with saucepans, toy drums, whistles and (I kid you not) a full-length digeridoo (Google it). 

3) Masks, Masks and More Masks

Those new masks with a clear window where the mouth is, to aid lip-reading? I curse the person who invented them (I mean, of course I don’t ACTUALLY curse them, but I also remain unsure how much benefit there is to this… surely that would be a really weird, squished, distorted pair of lips you’d be trying to read?).

But, the thing is, everyone wearing masks has resulted in everyone becoming a bit less clear when they’re speaking. A bit less easy to hear.

So, everyone is becoming a lot more visual with their communication. This is brilliant for us Deafies because, well, every little helps, right? And even if it isn’t particularly accurate, it’s guaranteed to raise a smile. Also, if you don’t want to talk to Great Aunt Gloria, you can say it’s because of her mask rather than her creepy Chihuahua.

4) Talking Through Windows/Over Distance

Pretty much explains itself, this one, doesn’t it? It’s the new version of ordering your drinks from across the pub.

While all those poor hearing people are trying to shout across the street to one neighbour without annoying the other, we’ve got it sussed.

They can’t even gossip anymore, because how can you talk about what Mr and Mrs Ghastly at Number 43 are doing with their ‘compost heap’, when they could overhear you at any moment? You might end up the very next inhabitant of the ‘compost heap’.

At least if you can sign, the gossip can carry on as usual. (As long as you know a sign for compost heap that isn’t too obvious…)

5) Toilet Roll-Related Drama 

As we all know (and the Chicken’s very own Rebecca-Anne immortalised here) when you have a Deaf partner, you also have a toilet-roll-related issue that hearing people just never have to deal with.

So, you can’t get hold of any toilet roll? My darling, us Deafies have been dealing with a lack of paper and a lack of anyone being able to hear us shout about it for YEARS.

We’ve got ALL KINDS of solutions.

No, we’re not sharing them. This is a family site.  

Emily Howlett is a profoundly Deaf actress, writer and teacher. She makes an awful lot of tea. And mess. She now has not one, but four grey eyebrow hairs. C’est la vie. She tweets as @ehowlett