Rebecca A Withey: Child starting school? What I’ve learnt as a parent who is deaf

September is upon us and for many of us it’s that time of year when our children go back to school. Pencil cases, school bags, new shoes – I’ve got the return to school routine down to a tee, with my eldest entering year 5 of primary school and my youngest now joining the juniors.

The rushed mornings I spent frantically looking for my daughter’s missing hearing aids are thankfully behind me as we now have a designated place for hearing aid boxes and an end of day ritual where hearing aids are promptly removed and safely stored.

However, for some of my deaf friends whose children are just starting school there’s so much newness in the air.

One friend in particular has four children – three are deaf – and the youngest is just about to start school. She told me at the weekend how she was more nervous than ever – despite having already sent three older children off to school! It’s the fact that this is her only hearing child – her only CODA – that she feels full of anticipation.

For a start, her three deaf children all go to the same specialist deaf school. Therefore she knows all the staff and most of the parents too. Also, there aren’t any communication issues as everyone is already deaf aware.

But with her hearing child attending a local primary, my friend is the only deaf parent. Her child is the only CODA. It’s all new, it’s all different and I can understand her nerves.

When my first born started nursery one of my main worries wasn’t about him, it was how would I communicate with everyone? And how would other people act when they realised I was deaf?

It’s often the social barriers that come with deafness that so many of us find challenging. As parents, you are bound to find yourself in situations where other people aren’t deaf aware and in some unfortunate cases you’ll be amongst people who run a mile when they spot someone who is different.

In this article, I share a few pointers I’ve learnt as a parent who is deaf and I hope this helps my friend and whoever else needs to read it.

1. Don’t assume staff know what you need – communicate this directly.

At my children’s nursery I had to learn to communicate what I needed, tell staff when I required information in an alternative way and become aware of the access rights I had as a deaf parent. I had to explain that although I could communicate in spoken English, I was in fact completely deaf and so could not receive telephone calls or understand instructions without clear lip reading /sign.

The staff at the nursery were extremely accommodating, booking interpreters for any meetings and using a home-school book for me to write down or receive any messages in. They held deaf awareness classes for the staff and certain staff members even went on a BSL course.

2. Some hearing parents have never met a deaf person before. Don’t take any odd reactions personally. It’s not you – it’s them.
   

I noticed how at first a few parents would look nervous around me and some would stare if they saw me and my partner signing. Over time I guess they learnt that I was just the same as them, if a little different in my communication preferences.

Socially, I learnt that friendly greetings go a long way – waving hi or bye to fellow parents meant they saw me as approachable and gradually I made a handful of friends who I kept in touch with and saw outside of nursery.

Saying that, even now at primary school, I notice how there are some parents who treat me a little differently. This social awkwardness usually falls into one of two camps. They either avoid eye contact thus refusing to initiate any sort of conversation with me OR they talk extraaa sloowwwly and only about the same old topics i.e. anything to do with deafness or sign language.

Don’t waste time worrying about these people – focus on those who are enjoyable to chat to and see you as more than just the token deaf parent 😉

3. Be your own advocate – and be prepared to go out of your comfort zone when needed.

There was an occasion at school where a staff member spoke to my son in front of me and said ‘tell your Mum…’ to which I bluntly interrupted her and told her to speak to me directly. I went on to remind the school via email that my son is not my interpreter and thankfully it’s not happened again since.

Another friend of mine recalled how her daughters school would not provide interpreters for any parents meetings, asking her to bring a relative to ‘help’ her instead. This friend accepted this for a couple of years when she realised she had every right to a BSL interpreter and that funding was available for it.

Being deaf means you are expected to develop a sense of resilience and assertiveness in order to receive what you are owed. In some cases this is as simple as reinforcing what you expect i.e. to be spoken to directly and that they do not rely on a hearing child to relay information to you.

In other situations you do need to fight for your rights. This could mean getting advice from your local council, deaf centre or citizens advice bureau where necessary, but please do follow up any queries if you are not being treated fairly.

4. It’s okay if you get tired. Look after your mental health.

One of the highlights of my children’s day is when they finish school and ask to go to the nearby park with their friends. “Can we go park?! Please Mum, please?!” they squeal as they leave the school gates. If the sun’s shining and there’s no rush to go home, it’s hard to say no.

Cue 30+ school children playing with their friends, screaming on swings and stomping up slides with parents scattered around the park gates. Admittedly, it is nice to have the chance to see some of the parents and catch up, but sometimes the crowds just get too much.

Do you know that feeling when there’s a group of 3 or 4 people chatting and your neck has become a human tennis ball darting from face to face to lipread…?

Lip reading is tiring, especially when it’s with more than one other person and there are days when I really don’t feel up to it. So on these days, instead of feeling guilty and anti-social, I simply take myself off to a nearby bench, a little secluded from the masses of parents, and I kick up my feet and open a book on my Kindle.

Lip reading is really hard work and your eyes work overtime to decipher information – so it’s really important that you look after yourself and your needs when you need to.

5. Above all, just enjoy your kids.

There’s a saying related to children that says something like ‘the days are long but the years are short’ and I couldn’t agree more. Your kids start school and then before you know it they’re almost ready for secondary school… where does the time go?!

Parenting – whether you’re deaf or hearing – does have its challenges in many forms. It’s so easy to get lost in these challenges and keep our mental focus on what’s going wrong, but there’s a little human being here that’s growing up at the speed of lightning…!

So take those ‘first day of school’ photos and look back on them every year with pride as they grow. You did that! You raised this little person for the past year! Celebrate all the little milestones, the merits, the certificates, even the hard days full of tears and grumpiness.

If your child starts school this week, I wish them lots of luck and happiness in all the years ahead.

And for you, dear parent, never forget how capable you are. You’ve got this!

Rebecca Anne Withey is a freelance writer, performing artist and consultant. She is also profoundly deaf, a sign language user and pretty great lipreader. She writes on varied topics close to her heart in the hope that they may serve to inspire others.

www.rawithey.com