We are now halfway through the year (hurrah!) but sadly I am no closer to finding my Mr Darcy. I wrote back in January about life as a deaf dater, while I’m in my 40s (eek!) and I was hoping I might have met the man of my deaf dreams to report to you about, but unfortunately not.
I did meet a lovely, fun gentleman when I had a seaside break at Easter but as soon as we returned home from our holidays I didn’t hear a peep from him. He “ghosted” me, as they call it. My friends said he probably had a family and a partner at home and I was just a holiday romance, so that’s put me right off to be honest.
So I’ve decided a new tactic must be tried to widen the amount of possible suitors I can meet. I want to find someone different, someone honest and someone who isn’t phased about my deafness and so on.
I am happy being single and I am comfortable with my deafness of course but I can’t help feeling that life would be more enjoyable if there was another person to share it with. Living alone when all your friends are coupled up or married off does get a bit boring sometimes to be honest.
So -about my new tactic! I have always been dead set against online dating as mentioned before. I’ve heard such horrors about using such sites, for example how you can be catfished (when a person looks entirely different to their profile photo!) and how some people only use the sites for casual hook ups… no thank you! So I’ve always told my friends no, absolutely not will I sign up to a dating site online…
But I’ve also heard some real success stories too! A deaf friend of mine met her partner through a dating site when she was in her 30s (after thinking she would be single forever…!) and they are now settled down with two children. So, good things do happen online it seems…so maybe it could happen to me!
So, I’ve set myself up on a couple of sites and I’ve been pondering how best to write my profile. Do I say that I’m deaf, does that put people off? Do I say that I wear hearing aids or will it make others worry that I’m much older than my profile photo? It’s hard to give a good first impression online when you don’t know what another person may assume about your deafness or how you communicate.
If I put on the profile that I’m a lip reader, will they understand it’s due to my ears and not that I’m a secret skilled spy who can read lips from afar?!
If I mention I know sign language, will they assume I can’t / don’t use spoken English?
I find the online world a tricky one to navigate as it doesn’t give someone a really clear idea of who you really are. And of course everyone posts their very best attributes online don’t they? Perhaps they are all exaggerated in a way.
Everyone seems to be mad about “cooking, art and culture” or a “keen traveller.” Is it equally impressive if I simply list “watching Netflix in my pjs with a cup of tea” as something I like to do?!
Anyhow, I’ve decided to keep my profile super brief and if/when I do go on a date with an interested person, I shall divulge all about my deafness and so on. It shouldn’t be a big deal, but the reality is a lot of people who aren’t familiar with it do still tend to panic about it.
I wonder if explaining on a date that you’re deaf could be as relaxed a piece of information to share along the same lines as “I wear glasses because I’m long sighted.” – So why do I worry more about saying “I wear hearing aids because I’m severely deaf” ?
I’ve had some people refuse to go on a date with me before because they found out from someone else I was deaf, without even meeting me or getting to know me. Their loss really, ha! And I don’t think I’d want to be with such a small minded ignorant person anyway.
Anyway, I remain hopeful that this will be the year that this deaf Bridget Jones finally settles down. I think my best tactic will be just to be myself and let them see me for who I really am, that’s if they’ll give me a chance!
I’ll give this online dating stuff a whizz and I’ll let you know how I get on, wish me luck! If this doesn’t work, maybe I’ll have to apply to go on the C4 TV show First Dates – perhaps Fred can help find my Mr Right?!
This blog has been written anonymously as part of the Insight series – where readers are invited to share their story or news about their interesting job with The Limping Chicken. If you have a story to share please email rebecca@rawithey.com
Image courtesy of i-stock photos.
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Jo
June 13, 2023
Dear Rebecca,
Don’t give up! I went on line dating and met a few frogs before I met my wonderful guy! A couple of guys were creepy, wanting to kiss me or hold my hand… I was so uncomfortable and couldn’t get shot of them fast enough. I didn’t mention I was deaf until I met them but had to be upfront. All the men I met were a bit taken aback but found I was just as normal as anyone else and got over it. All wanted to meet me again….!!! YES I pulled ok! I was in my mid to late 50’s when dating. One man after 18 months I found was cheating on me and was having two girls on the go, me and the other lady. Very upsetting and got shot of him. After a year’s break of dating I tried again and met about 3 more guys and the last one I liked him and saw him again, …. we agreed to another date…. and that was it we were definitely attracted to each other and that was almost 5 yrs ago.
He is almost everything I could wish for…. No person is all good, not even you or me…. We all have irritating or les than perfect things about us. As long as 3 of their worst faults can be forgiven and lived with… that’s great. My sister in law who was older than my parents once said to me many years ago that you have to accept 3 bad faults in a person unless of course so bad that you can’t live with them or stand being with them as a result! Fair enough. Having forgivingness skills is vital unless they go off with other women which is not acceptable or are nasty to you etc… Don’t let any man gas light you or go with anyone who is a narcisst.. Sorry I can’t spell. Read up on those sort of people so you can watch out for signs for it before getting too involved. If after a while of dating seriously he doesn’t introduce you to his family and friends, that might ring alarm bells. Never ever give money and make sure it’s not all one sided, but do be prepared and consider ways of taking him out in a relationship so it’s not all the guy paying out. Those days are out of fashion unless you find a wealthy guy! Even a wealthy guy likes to be spoiled and it needn’t be expensive. Just entertain him with a special meal etc at home… Buy him an ice cream when out… They love that!
Recently I asked my beloved, now a retired engineer, if he would have agreed to a date if he’d known I was profoundly deaf. He said yes, but then he thought about it and remembered he knew someone who was deaf at work, a male and thought Oh! And he was fine. Dead easy to lip read. Took him 18 months to tell me he loved me despite being an item very quickly after that!
Actually I have just remembered that after exchanging emails and getting to know each other that way initially he said “isn’t it about time we chatted on the phone?”… I was like Ummm…. Actually I’m profoundly deaf but can speak normally like anyone else… Just need to lip read and that’s a bit tricky on the phone! He said ok… and we eventually met up about a fortnight later as I was away from home with my daughter. First date was at a National Trust place, then again on second date but afterwards we went to a pub for a chat and we began to relax over a cider for me and a beer for him. I made him laugh until he nearly cried after being so serious all that time! I then saw another side to him seeing his twinkling eyes and thought… Yes he’s the one! I think he was very serious as he’d recently lost his wife just over a year previously and was finding life a bit tough and lonely. There had been a lot for him to go through with managing his wife’s cancer and then he got cancer too. Just recovered two months before I met him. So life had been rough for him. Hence his deadly serious manner. Now we laugh so much together plus his siblings and close friends say they have never seen him so happy.
Good luck and have fun! You do not have to sell your kisses or body to attract nice folk in the early days!!
Best wishes
Jo