Insight: I was a victim of domestic abuse (trigger warning) (BSL)

This blog has been written anonymously. Please note the trigger warning for domestic abuse and sensitive topics before reading.

I have been thinking about writing my experiences for quite some time now. Probably a couple of years. Some things have stopped me from doing so. Firstly I am a single mum and secondly I was worried about the consequences of speaking up. But it’s time for more information to be shared so that deaf women and women in general don’t have to go through what I went through.

I don’t want to share the whereabouts of where I live but I’m comfortable sharing my story now that my ex has moved far away and started a new life with a new partner. Whether she has the same experiences as me I don’t know, but to be honest I’m just glad to be out of it all now.

I got married to my ex over a decade ago, quickly and foolishly in hindsight. I was pregnant at the time and although I didn’t really want to be a pregnant bride, my ex was adamant that this was what he wanted. He was charming and sweet so I got swept up in it all.

Looking back the marriage was just one big party for him and his friends as I wasn’t able to invite all of my close friends to the main event – something that should have been a red flag but I just ignored it, focusing on my pregnancy and becoming a mum.

My ex was a sociable member of our deaf community whereas I only had one or two deaf friends back home. It didn’t help that I moved to a new area to live with my partner so I had to start from scratch with friendships.

After we got married my ex was laid off from work which was nightmare especially as I was expecting a baby so I carried on working right up until our daughter was born. I didn’t really have time to mix with deaf people at events, the only friends I had were the hearing ones at work but they were more like colleagues.

It was after our child was born was when I noticed my ex and his controlling ways. He would tell me who was allowed to come to our house to visit and who wasn’t. If I challenged this I was met with all sorts of outrage and tantrums which confused me. I was hormonal and feeling vulnerable after becoming a new mum.

The years passed in a blur and somehow I became next to a recluse. I’d do everything for our daughter, take her to nursery and then go straight to work then pick the baby up again then be expected to do everything at home. I often challenged this and asked why but whenever I did I’d face his temper again so I thought it was best to say nothing. I was too tired.

When he wasn’t being angry and controlling my ex was very charming. He would buy me extravagant gifts and boast in public about how perfect our life was when in actual fact I felt exhausted and devalued.

Without planning to, I fell pregnant a second time and this is when things got worse. As I became more tired I would ask for more help or challenge the “rules” of the house more. Why wasn’t I allowed to have my friends come over to stay? Why couldn’t I book a weekend away without our child?

I feel stupid now looking back but at the time there was always a good reason, he always had an excuse, or something to say to make me doubt I felt.

He started calling me lazy for taking naps in the day when I was pregnant and exhausted and he would joke about this to his friends to make me feel small. He would make comments on my appearance, as I had put weight on due to turning to comfort eating.

I developed gestational diabetes and became quite poorly and my mum was naturally worried about me. She came to see me unexpectedly and I remember bursting into tears when I saw her and hugging her. I hadn’t realised how lonely I had been feeling and trapped.

It’s easy for everyone else to say “just leave” but they haven’t experienced what it’s like to be under such control, it’s harder than that.

My mum stayed with me for a few days and I slowly started to confide in her when my ex was out of the house. She told me that how I’d been feeling was clear signs of abuse. I was shocked. He hadn’t laid a finger on me. He hadn’t hurt me physically in any way.

My mum told me to be very careful and that I could always talk to her. I knew I couldn’t text her though because my ex always read my messages on my phone to see what I had been up to.

Our second child was then born and I took longer to recover than the first birth. The weeks after the birth were a blur of tears and trying to protect my children as my ex would throw massive mood swings if the house was untidy or the baby was crying at an inconvenient time.

I realised this was affecting my eldest child as well as me so when he went out I packed a bag and put some clothes and nappies and essential things in it. I left the bag under my bed, telling myself I would just bide my time.

I think I was hoping he would change or he would be the man I thought he could be. Leopards can’t change their spots.

It was one afternoon when I had returned from a mother and toddler group late after collecting my eldest that I faced him in a terrible mood. He was angry with me for a stupid reason, a late dinner or the wrong food or something like that.

He couldn’t calm down however and started following me, ranting at me round the house. I got incredibly frightened and locked myself in the toilet as he banged on the door. My heart was pounding and I realised my poor children were alone.

I nervously opened the door and for the first time he shoved me up a wall and yelled in my face. I can’t remember all of it but he called me stupid and a b**** and I couldn’t say anything back. I just wanted him to calm down.

He stormed off out and I knew what I had to do. It had gone too far. I gave my children a hug and got the bag I packed and got the stroller out and caught a bus then a train to my parents house. I left all of my other belongings there including my phone. I didn’t want to be contacted by him ever again.

My parents were shocked but supportive and we got lots of support involved. My ex decided he didn’t want anything to do with the children physically but he was legally obliged to send child maintenance payments. I personally don’t want anything from him. He’s been out of the picture for many years now.

It’s been quite a few years now but the memory of it is still there like a trauma. I’m slowly getting more confidence back and meeting friends again with the support of my parents and home friends.

I want to tell anyone who might be feeling unhappy in a controlling relationship that you do have a choice. If you can safely and quietly get out of the house or flat and talk to someone you trust that is the best thing to do.

My next step is to eventually get my own place as I’ve been staying with my parents, saving up money and it’s been a good stable place for the children to enjoy their childhood after the start.

When people say abuse is only abuse if it’s physical it cannot be further from the truth. It was the mental stuff that wore away at my confidence and self worth. My scars are invisible, and although I might look okay from the outside, inside I will always remember.

If you have been affected by this blog or would like to seek support please see;

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

https://signhealth.org.uk/with-deaf-people/domestic-abuse/