Insight: My elderly deaf Mum needs me but how can I maintain her independence and privacy? (BSL)

I am the only CODA (child of deaf adults) born to two lovely deaf parents. My dear Dad passed away two years ago following a short illness leaving my Mum on her own so I see her a lot more now, perhaps every day. I have always been very close to my parents and I suppose very protective of them too.

My parents have always relied on me to support them with english, reading letters, explaining instructions, and I have genuinely always took great pride in being able to do so. I always felt very loved by my parents, I can tell them anything and we have a great laugh. So supporting them has never felt like a burden.

When I was going through my divorce my Dad would take me his bowls club as a distraction where his friends would make a fuss of me and Mum would make us both snacks and cakes for our outing. They’re very caring parents.  So when Dad passed away it was a heartbreak for both me and my mum and also for my daughter (who is grown up now.)

As Mum has gotten older she has frequented the doctors more often, with complaints linked to her arthritis mostly. The tricky thing with my mum is although she’s deaf she doesn’t sign well, she finger spells mostly and uses her loud voice a lot, so if you’re not used to her voice, you may find it jarring or difficult to understand.

She grew up being told to be oral and not sign so she hasnt always had a clear language. Her voice is something I love as it’s my mums voice but it is unusual and loud to the hearing ear.

Because of how unique she is Mum struggles with BSL interpreters especially if they’ve been booked for her GP appointments as they simply can’t understand each other. Mum used to have a regular GP who was calm and patient with her, and would write notes in clear basic English for her to take home, but her surgery now use a system of different doctors on a changing rota so she never knows who she is going to see at her appointment.

Recently my Mum began complaining of dizziness. After questioning her, I found out she had gone to the doctors by herself seeking help for her painful neck and she was given a prescription for an anti inflammatory. There were no notes regarding how often she was supposed to take the tablets or how long for and she told me she didn’t know either.

After reading that one side effect of the tablets was dizziness I persuaded Mum to stop taking them and I accompanied her to her next GP appointment.

We realised that the doctor had verbally given her instructions and no notes were given that I could have helped with at home. This particular doctor had an awfully impatient manner. He wouldn’t look at me when I spoke, typing into his computer instead and when my Mum spoke he grimaced at the sound which I found very rude.

We can request a different doctor in future but realistically what can my mum do to maintain her independence without her daughter having to accompany her to appointments? Can we request a communication support worker or a PA to assist her in future instead of a BSL interpreter? Who pays for these services anyhow?

We’ve always managed well the three of us – me, Mum and Dad but more often than not lately I’m finding there are times I cannot always be with my Mum or times she would prefer to have some privacy. She isn’t a typical deaf person who understands modern BSL and communicates clearly and I would love to know how to find someone to support her regularly.

I am based in Hertfordshire so any links or recommendations would be greatly received, thank you. I would also be open to meeting any other CODAs who are on the older side of fifty and care for their parents. Thank you for reading.

If you’d like to help privately, please email rebecca@rawithey.com.

This blog has been written anonymously as part of the Insight series – where readers are invited to share their story or news about their interesting job with The Limping Chicken. If you have a story to share please email rebecca@rawithey.com

Image courtesy of i-stock photos.