Insight: I’m deaf but I have decided to only date hearing people (BSL)

This might be a weird way to start a blog, but I don’t usually write so bear with me. I’m deaf but I don’t date deaf people. Or at least, I don’t anymore. I have my reasons, trust me so let me explain.

I can probably sum up my reasons for this down to 3.

The first reason being that the deaf community is way too small for my liking. I have lost count of the number of men I’ve dated and then I’ve found out that he has also dated my friend, colleague or boss. It’s just too close to home for me and I feel so uncomfortable about it.

The weirdest one was with a deaf guy that I really liked but I found out that not only had he dated one of my closest friends from school, he had also been seeing my sister for a while years ago! It was awkward and strange to talk about so needless to say that didn’t last very long.

When I date a deaf guy my friends always tend to ask who he is, where he is from and then they work out bits about his life and find out more information about him before I’ve even gone on a second date. It’s way too much for me. I like to keep things a bit more private!

My second reason is I have really eclectic hobbies that don’t always suit the deaf culture or deaf way. I am really passionate about eclectic, sustainable fashion, the punk era is my personal favourite and because of this I don’t always dress conventionally or go to ‘normal’ dating places. This means in the deaf world I’m often labelled a particular way and people tend to judge me before they have really gotten to know me.

Whereas with hearing men I find there’s a much bigger pool of fish! And sometimes they’re more open minded because they also have similar fashion sense or interests so it’s not a big deal for them. I find that in the hearing world there are more guys that are like me with similar interests and hobbies, even if they’re not deaf too.

I think there’s a lot more to me than my deafness and there’s also a lot more to me than just my punk fashion and taste in films etc. I haven’t yet found a deaf man who was willing to accept the way I dress or the things I watch without wanting to ‘change’ me because to others it looks a bit weird.

My third and final reason for choosing to only date hearing men from now on is that I’ve had some really bad experiences where my date would expect me to be their interpreter or rely on me for translating stuff for them. I’m still deaf myself but as I grew up both speaking and signing I’m naturally more comfortable asking for things in restaurants or taking the lead in ‘hearing’ settings.

I was in a long ish relationship with a deaf man who I really liked but in the end it came down to me feeling like I was his Mother or his carer when we went out, rather than his partner. I like to feel as though I’m an equal with my partner, not the one who is expected to do all the social interactions and take the lead.

In the end I felt like I wanted someone who could take care of me if I needed them to. Maybe it was more of a personality thing than the actual fact that he was deaf, but it made me realise that I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m needed rather than wanted.

I’ve been on a few dates since with hearing guys and it has been quite refreshing to meet someone I don’t know absolutely anything about. A few times they assume that I can’t take care of myself and they expect me to need them to make restaurant orders or phone calls but I always take pride on being independent and doing things for myself, so I quickly educate them on this.

My sister laughs when I say I won’t date deaf men anymore, she thinks I just need to find someone deaf who has been living a quiet happy life to change my mind, and maybe that’s true. Perhaps I could be persuaded.

Perhaps it’s wrong of me to say absolutely no, no way to future dates with deaf men. I hope I find someone who surprises me and changes my mind. Someone who hasn’t been with any of my friends or family and leads an independent cultured life. We shall see.

But for now, I shall stick to my current game plan and who knows what will happen. Perhaps I will write back!

This blog has been written anonymously as part of the Insight series – where readers are invited to share their story or news about their interesting job with The Limping Chicken. If you have a story to share please email rebecca@rawithey.com 

Image courtesy of i-stock photos.