Insight: Going to a mainstream secondary school took away my confidence (BSL)

My local authority did not grant permission for me to attend a deaf school for secondary and my parents also felt that it would be better for me to go to a mainstream school with a deaf base in order to “be prepared for the big wide world.”

I didn’t have a choice in this matter, I was just told this was the school I had to attend and I was really saddened to find I didn’t know anyone else who was attending.

Going from a deaf school to a mainstream one was a real shock to the system. The increase of pupils was one thing, but the main thing was how disconcerting it was that I now felt so different as the majority of pupils were hearing. Only a handful of us were deaf.

I hated every single day of secondary school and would cry at bedtime dreading what the next day would bring. The pupils in the school were generally badly behaved and the teachers seemed so angry, strict and impatient.

I saw other deaf pupils get picked on really badly, some students would shove them up walls in the corridor and mock their sign language or flick their implants off their head. I was terrified watching this and I quickly learnt to act small and disappear into my surroundings so they didn’t notice me.

At mainstream school it felt like the teachers didn’t have time to understand my needs so I just got through all my classes without causing a fuss. I had communication support workers but I preferred to just get my head down and work without asking any questions. The least attention that was on me, the better!

As a result I slowly changed from a happy outgoing child to a quiet moody person. When I got home I just wanted to be alone to unwind from all the tension of the day.

I honestly felt that being deaf at this school was like having a target on my head. Anything that made you different made you a target for the bullies and I had to blend in as much as possible to survive.

I stopped signing so much and I even hid the wires from the microphones that connected my hearing aids to the phonic aid. I didn’t want to look different in any way.

I poured myself into my academic work as a distraction and the ironic thing is I actually got good grades and did really well in all of my exams.

But I was lonely and scared most of the time. Socially it was an awful time for me.

I remember telling my parents about it when I was in year 7 but nothing got done and nothing changed. So I made a decision to just grin and bear it and get through my time there. I couldn’t wait to leave.

I know that not every secondary mainstream school is rife with bullying and bad behaviour but the one I went to was. I wasn’t picked on as such but I always had to be on guard.

Whenever pupils moved around the school in corridors it would be a mad frenzy with people getting randomly shoved, hit and pushed. There would even be spitting down stair cases.

I could hear shouts from behind but some of the other deaf pupils couldn’t so I would see them getting mocked with bullying students shouting names from behind and laughing when the deaf pupil didn’t hear them.

The day I left school was a day that couldn’t come soon enough. I haven’t kept in touch with anyone from school and I like to put it all behind me.

But I was recently reflecting on why I lack so much confidence as I’m struggling to find work, and I realise that being in that kind of environment for so long has really knocked my confidence.

When I was at a deaf primary school I felt safe and socially happy. But the mainstream school changed how I viewed the world and also how I feel about myself.

I know that I need to change that if I want to be in a successful career. I’ve recently finished a college course and I’ve completed an apprenticeship but the main feedback I got from both places was that I lacked confidence.

I wish that I had a more positive secondary school experience so that I could feel more secure in life and in who I am but I can’t change that now.

I enjoy reading about positive success stories from deaf individuals that show me that you can rise from difficult circumstances and situations.

But for now, I’m not there yet.

This blog has been written anonymously as part of the Insightseries – where readers are invited to share their story or news about their interesting job with The Limping Chicken. If you have a story to share please email rebecca@rawithey.com