Insight: My experience as a deaf Trans man (BSL)

I grew up in one of the most conservative places you could live. Therefore, I followed the gender roles expected of me. But I always knew something was “wrong.” I didn’t know what.

I wouldn’t figure that out until my early 20s. I lived as a lesbian and still knew something was wrong. Eventually, I dropped that label and had none because I didn’t know what to call it.

I met my first transwoman knowingly, when I was 20. Before that,there were none that I knew of and, even when I met this woman, I didn’t view her as a role model. It was a chance meeting at a club and I had one 20 minute chat with her.

I was never happy with who I was. I didn’t know what was wrong. When I was in my early 20s, I began playing with male names. A friend helped me. Even then, I didn’t consider myself trans.

I tried out many different names with my friend. I found one that I responded to the most (we considered the whole deaf part) and it stuck. I wasn’t naïve. I knew the likelihood of acceptance by the majority of people in my life was next to nothing.

I struggled with the fact that I knew I would lose everything/everyone or almost everything/everyone. When I came out as a lesbian, my best friend at the time accepted it, so did her mother. A few other people did. And I thought that was enough. But this? This was huge in comparison.

So, I moved 3 to 4 hours away. Before that, though, I was addicted to pills. My addiction came innocently as a way to treat my anxiety and turned into something else.Before that it was alcohol. I also used cannabis.

After I moved, about a year later, I got clean. I still didn’t identify as trans, but I was more comfortable in my own skin. I was able to talk about it. I still didn’t really know the word. I don’t think I really knew the word until I was mid-late 20s. That helped a lot.

The first step for me was using my new name in almost all situations. At the time almost everyone knew I was trans and we all talked about it. I had to convince my doctor to let me try hormone therapy. He had never treated someone like me.

He agreed to Androgel and I was on that for a year.It made a little difference physically, but did a lot emotionally. Then, I started injections. I was living in a place surrounded by nurses, so my new doctor, at the time, said “I’ll do it, if you’ll let me learn from you so I can help others like you.” I jumped at the chance.

I was on these injections for almost a year. The first month or so was very hard. I couldn’t sleep and, on the day I was injected I would be sick. I almost stopped in the first month, but eventually, my body settled down. I was comfortable in my skin finally.

I got married and my wife started having nightmares that I died because of the injections. Our story is very long and very complicated and I’d waited a very, very long time for her. I chose her. You see, I’d reached the point that the injections didn’t make the man. I was the man because I chose to be.

For me, being trans has nothing to do with deafness. They are entirely different things, but I must admit – it does put a spin on things! For example, while on the hormones, my voice did drop. I knew that would happen. I didn’t know I’d have to relearn to talk and pull out all those speech therapy lessons!

Nowadays I can say I’m happily married and have been so for 11 years now. Being trans is a small part of me. In fact, my identity is much more than trans or deaf.

I wish people would understand that you can be trans and not be on injections or have surgery. Because of my previous addictions, thus far, I’ve refused surgery. It was very hard work getting sober and I’ve been so since July 2009.

If I have to choose between surgery and my sobriety, I choose my sobriety.Maybe I will someday, but it won’t be today or anytime soon. I get stared at a lot. Trans is more than physical.

For anyone reading this who may be struggling I want to say your truth is yours – no one else’s. Your decisions are yours – no one else’s. Physically transition or not, it doesn’t matter. What’s in your head is much more important.

This blog has been written anonymously as part of the Insight series – where readers are invited to share their story or news about their interesting job with The Limping Chicken. If you have a story to share please email rebecca@rawithey.com 

Image courtesy of i-stock photos.