EJ Raymond tells us about their experience finding their identity as a gay, non binary person (BSL)

I’m an 80s person – I grew up in a time where it was rare to see those who were LGBTQIA+ and especially in Girvan, Scotland.

I’m one of 3 siblings that are deaf in a hearing family. I will never forget how I was a wild child. I would play outside regularly after school and weekends, riding my bike, flying over the stairs/steps with the bike, climbing, playing football and even taking part in a massive hide ‘n’ seek game with about 20-30 kids aged between 7 to 21.

Looking back I actually never noticed that I was in fact different with my deafness! I was too busy having fun and unfortunately the hospital turned out to be my second home growing up as I injured myself so many times which drove my Mum mad!

I remember seeing how adults around me were all man-woman, I did not once see a same sex couple.

It wasn’t until the time I saw 2 women holding hands that the subject got my attention. I asked my mum what it was and she said that they must just be “best friends” and that anyone can hold hands.

However, it puzzled me as one of the women had a shaved head and the other one had longer hair. I was about 7 or 8 at that point. I soon forgot about it, getting on with my life and didn’t meet anyone who was gay until I was 17 and went to college.

It was there that I met some deaf lesbians and gay people there. However, I was really struggling with my own identity and I told my Mum that.

Unfortunately my Mum didn’t support me so I went back to the label of a “straight girl” but it gave me so much confusion.

A year later after that, I kissed a girl and I was still not so sure what it was.

Many years later, when I was away on a trip, another woman kissed me and and I suddenly thought yup, that’s it, I’m gay.

I had been with a few men but I was never happy or satisfied with them. I would just put on a fake smile and deal with it. But why should I do that?

So I announced that I’m gay and told my Mum if she’s not happy, just leave and say nothing. I gave my Mum a couple of hours to think about it and she said that she felt she was being selfish because she wanted me to have children so she could become a Grandma.

I then pointed out out that some LGBTQIA+ can get pregnant by many different ways.

Exhausted but happy to finally find my identity… but not fully, it wasn’t until 2020 when I finally found another part to my identity – as a non-binary person.

It took me almost 40 years to find this missing answer to who I am. I am thankful to my close friend who explained to me what non-binary meant.

Growing up I was always a tomboy with what I wore because that’s how I felt comfortable. In 2019 I performed as Jackie in “My Mother Said I Never Should”, and the costume designer told me that I have to wear a dress and heels. That’s when I freaked out. I couldn’t avoid it because I had already signed the contract but I never forget how upset I was, going home after work crying my eyes out.

I returned to the same play again, to tour in 2020 before COVID hit, which sent us home a week early and I moved to Newcastle right away before the official lockdown started.

I was still struggling to understand why I behaved like that so I spoke to my close friend about it and they said “you could be non-binary” and that’s when I realised that I am and I felt much happier to announce this.

I remember wearing some “feminine”clothes on nights out or on special occasions – to please others but nobody could see how I felt inside. It was like wearing a mask.

When I knew I was non binary I had to learn how to have thick-skin. People kept saying “she… her…” and I had to stay very patient while hurting inside, reminding them to say “them/they”.

Some people ignore my request so I just walk away from those people who are closed-minded. It’s their problem, not mine. I’m aware that society can be difficult. So many assumptions are made.

All of the information I learned was from visual information through deaf LGBTQIA+ people. I didn’t read anything about it in books for example.

I am now happy with myself and the fact that I am non-binary and gay.

I wish people would accept and respect each other. We all are human and it is the 21st Century, it is time to move on and enjoy life.

If a person says “I prefer these pronouns”, don’t ignore them. Respect their choices.

For those reading this who may be unsure about their own identity, you have plenty of time to explore and find out about yourself.

If you need to speak to someone, contact deaf rainbow uk or your own local LGBTQIA community. Or meet LGBTQIA people your age.

I explored myself for a very long time because of being born in the 80s, back then it was very difficult but now awareness is everywhere! You will have plenty of time to find yourself. You are a lovely human, embrace yourself!

Written by EJ Raymond