Insight: I chose to spend Christmas alone for the first time, and I’m glad I did (BSL)

I have never really enjoyed Christmas. I never really understood why that was exactly. What was I missing that made everyone else seem to enjoy Christmas so much? Was I somehow immune to feeling the ‘most wonderful time of the year?’

Being non-religious, the idea of celebrating the birth of Jesus didn’t work for me, and as a grown adult, I’m a little past the Santa craze too.

This past year I worked it all out.

I am a single man, with no children and so most Christmases I am invited to spend the day with family. My brother usually hosts and we all hole up at his place for 3 days together.

One thing separates me from the rest of my family though – I am the only person who is deaf.

My parents – now elderly – never learnt to sign and instead I was sent off to boarding school at the age of 11 where I quickly made my own life long friends and most of us use sign with speech.

I enjoy my career and have my own home – which I am proud of – and good friends scattered across the country who I often travel up and down to visit.

At Christmas, however, everyone seems to have their own family plans. Most of my friends are married or at least have children of their own and have close family bonds that sadly I don’t have with my own family.

I suppose it was going to boarding school and being away from my hearing brother that meant we missed out on those formative years together as young brothers. We don’t have a particularly close bond and – surprise surprise – he doesn’t sign either.

At most family gatherings I lipread and use my voice, like I have always done. I manage – but it’s exhausting and so I am often glad when Christmas dinner is over with and I can sink into an armchair for a nap or hide away in front of the television.

To my family, I’m the quiet one. But the reality is I’m not quiet at all. It just takes a lot of effort to communicate with them. And I’ve gotten to the point where I just cannot be bothered anymore.

Last Christmas I remember my brother and his wife laughing over a joke at the table and I had no idea what was being said. I looked at him, blank faced and I was told ‘I’ll tell you later.’ Later never came.

Instead, I remember how they all decided to play a board game that had an audio piece – meaning they had to listen to something in the game – and I felt completely disregarded.

Spending time with my family that year I found myself feeling bitter and resentful, things that I never wanted to feel. Nobody really went to any effort to meet me half way, it was always about me adapting and behaving like them.

I understand that unfortunately the way life panned out, none of them had the opportunity to learn to sign or really get to know me, and I am grateful I went to a fantastic school and made great friends.

But amongst my family – it is so lonely.

So when my brother sent along another invitation for Christmas 2024 at his house, I politely declined saying I wanted to have a quiet Christmas at home for once.

They couldn’t believe it! They wanted to know, had they done something to offend me? Was I seeing someone? Did I want to bring someone along?

When I explained how isolated I had often felt at these gatherings, my brother quickly became defensive, stating how he had always sat in front of me at the table so I could lip read – and how they always made an effort to include me.

I begged to differ. I had spent too many evenings with them playing catch up, quietly keeping myself to myself and willing the hours to go by quicker so I could relax with a television show and numb the feelings of growing anger and upset.

I didn’t want to fall out with anyone. So I simply explained that after an exhausting period at work, what I really wanted was a quiet Christmas to decompress.

So Christmas 2024 was just for me. Some of my deaf friends were worried about me spending the day on my own and offered for me to join their families, but I honestly just wanted to take a day to unwind and do what I wanted for a change.

It was actually great. I cooked my own dinner, with my favourite foods which I ate in front of a television show. I walked my dogs, took a nap and sent messages to friends in the evening. I was alone, but I didn’t feel lonely.

On Boxing Day I met up with a group of deaf friends outdoors and we had a lovely time. It was the first time in a long time I felt like I actually had an enjoyable Christmas!

In 2025 I no longer want to put myself in situations where I feel ignored, excluded or a burden. I don’t need to explain myself further to those who don’t understand anymore either.

This blog has been written anonymously as part of the Insight series  where readers are invited to share their story or news about their interesting job with The Limping Chicken. If you have a story to share please email rebecca@rawithey.com

Image courtesy of Pexels.