Insight: I was recently diagnosed with hearing loss and I’ve been hiding it from others (BSL)

For quite some time I knew that my hearing wasn’t quite right. I have a high profile job in the fashion industry and noticed a few years ago that I would struggle to hear others, especially if I wasn’t close to the speaker.

I also noticed sounds felt muffled slightly, as though certain sounds had lost a sharpness to them. I put it down to being tired, overworked, hungover, out of sorts, but as time went on I started to suspect I might have a blockage in my ears or something that was impacting my ability to hear fully.

At work I would joke that my ‘ears were rubbish’ when asking people to repeat themselves, or I would apologise for missing information and say that I wasn’t concentrating or listening properly. In truth, I didn’t know why I seemed to be the only person in my circle missing out on things.

So after a bad head cold affected my sinuses and ears, I decided to go along to my GP to see if there was anything I could take to un-block my ears. I wanted them to prescribe me something, for it to do its magic and for that to be the end of it.

Instead, after having my ear canals checked (no blockages!) I was sent along to an audiology department for testing.

It was the strangest experience in my life. I thought I had passed the tests, responding to all the beeps, buzzes and squeals. But the look on the audiologist’s face told me they’d ‘found something.’

I was diagnosed with a moderate hearing loss and told I would benefit from hearing aids. I’m embarrassed to confess that I was mortified – and for very superficial reasons. I didn’t want strange, unattractive things permanently in my ears, especially when my work is very much image related.

Going home after the audiology testing, I remember sitting in my car and recognising a feeling in the pit of my stomach. A growing unease. Discomfort. Shame. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to admit to others that I was now officially ‘hard of hearing.’

I didn’t know anyone under the age of 70 who was hard of hearing, so how would my colleagues and friends judge me?

I put off my hearing aid fittings for another two months, trying to avoid it and ignore it! I’ve since read countless blogs and articles online about others like me and while I haven’t reached out to anyone in my local area about it yet, I’m feeling a quiet sense of curiosity.

I now wear my hearing aids sporadically and mostly for work with my hair is down. I also find it hard to utter the words ‘I am hard of hearing’ but I have been open enough to tell my colleagues that I need seats in close proximity to speakers for meetings and low background noise at all times.

I know with time and with acceptance, I will come to be more open about this, but right now I am still not comfortable. It’s definitely a pride thing and an ego issue, as I have foolishly been led to believe that you can only be successful win life if you uphold a ‘perfect’ image.

Hearing loss didn’t fit into my idea of what a perfect image is and this is why I have resisted the diagnosis and everything else that followed it.

I find it really reassuring to read about deaf and hard of hearing people of all backgrounds and levels and it reminds me that beneath the stereotype that I have about it, we are all human and doing our best.

Maybe one day I will feel confident enough to be open about my hearing loss and what it means for me, but as its only been less than a year since I was diagnosed and its all so new and unfamiliar, I’m aware that it will probably take a bit more time.

This blog has been written anonymously as part of the Insight series where readers are invited to share their story or news about their interesting job with The Limping Chicken. If you have a story to share please email rebecca@rawithey.com

Image courtesy of Pexels