Insight: I’m estranged from my hearing sibling and I don’t understand why (BSL)

I haven’t seen my sister for over ten years. I don’t remember the exact day it became ‘official’ that we were estranged, instead it has been a strange slow disconnection.

My sister and I are the only children to our deaf parents. Whilst I have lots of memories growing up with my sister and playing together, I honestly feel as though my memory becomes blurry from when I started secondary education at a deaf boarding school.

Suddenly, I only saw my sister at weekends, if she was home. She is a few years older than me so we had different year groups and different friends. Most weekends when I came home she was out and about and I assumed she was happy enough with her life.

I brought my best friends home occasionally and they would delight in the fact that my entire family could sign – my parents being deaf and my sister being a CODA.

I thought it was lovely to be able to all communicate together and I was proud of that too. But looking back there were signs that she wasn’t happy.

She would make digs now and then about me being the favourite child. I would laugh and agree but I think there might well have been something very serious in that.

I also think my sister got frustrated being the only one that could hear and my parents probably did rely on her a lot to interpret when they needed her. It was a role that she probably didn’t mind at first, but I remember the odd time she would feel exasperated and express her frustration. But she never said anymore. She didn’t confide in me that way.

I was in Year 11 of secondary school when my sister got her first boyfriend. Over a few years it quickly became serious and they decided to marry and start a family. I was pleased for her but also surprised at the speed it all happened. She moved away from our home town and I heard from her less, I assumed it was just due to becoming a mother.

When I first visited her in her new home with her partner, I was surprised that she had stopped signing completely. She didn’t use sign with her children either – which I know isn’t unusual for hearing people, but she had a deaf family? She said she was ‘rusty’ and ‘out of practice’ but it was her first language, so it didn’t make sense to me.

Then, when Christmas came around, she decided not to join my parents and I to our usual annual gathering with the rest of the family. Instead she wanted to stay with her partner and young children.

At first, I did wonder, does she feel safe with him, was he controlling her? But it soon became clear that she just didn’t want to be part of our family anymore.

On the family gossip grapevine, we ‘heard’ from others that she was angry and fed up. My parents dismissed it and said she would get in touch when she was ready, but I wanted to know why. What had I done wrong? What was the problem?

So I got in touch with her and asked her straight, but she wouldn’t give me a straight answer, instead she gave me more questions – “what do you think?” she replied. I honestly didn’t know. I questioned her further but instead she has just blanked me.

I find the whole situation very upsetting to think about, especially because there was no clear communication. I know families can be complicated but at the time she was unhappy I was a young teenager, oblivious to anything serious that she may have been feeling.

My parents are a lot older now and still they don’t hear from her, which I find to be cruel. Yes, maybe being deaf they focused more on their deaf child and perhaps lived in a world of their own – I understand that. But it was never on purpose and never in a malicious manner.

Looking back I think she felt like the odd one out of her family and anything we did or said just amplified that feeling. Maybe she felt isolated because all of our outings were centred around the deaf events we were involved in, and involving the deaf community.

Maybe she just didn’t feel she was part of it because she’s not deaf? I don’t know for sure. It’s just a shame because regardless of whether we are deaf or hearing we are still blood family and will always be connected in that way.

I wish I asked more questions growing up and I wish she spoke to me more about how she felt. Communicating with each other better could have prevented this family fall out.

This blog has been translated from an anonymous BSL vlog as part of the Insight series where readers are invited to share their story or news about their interesting job with The Limping Chicken. If you have a story to share please email rebecca@rawithey.com

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