Insight: Why speaking out about the abuse I experienced was cathartic for me (BSL)

(Trigger warning – this anonymous Insight blog contains descriptions of  sexual abuse)

The last couple of weeks, as stories of sexual abuse have circulated the deaf community – I’ve found old wounds surfacing for me. I don’t want to speak publicly about this anymore but I do want to share my story in case it may help someone else who is staying quiet and wondering what to do.

This might sound strange at first, but for many years I ‘forgot’ that I had been abused. It was probably my subconscious mind trying to protect me as it pushed away all memories of this from my mind but like any type of trauma, it always resurfaces somehow.

I was only young teenager when a lodger that stayed at my parents house came into my room at night and sexually abused me. I was confused at the time, too ashamed to speak out to my parents about this and too embarrassed to tell any of my friends.

This lodger was a woman and it was my first time being intimate with a woman. I wasn’t old enough to be doing any of this and I remember it felt weird, odd, surreal and she was so charming whilst being forceful at the same time.

She only stayed one night so after that, I never saw her again. I have no idea who she was, where she was from or what she was doing in our area. She probably thought me being a young deaf boy I wouldn’t tell anyone and I was an easy target.

I purposely pushed this to the back of my mind but it affected how I felt about women, and in particular how I felt about sex. It was only when I met my current partner who suggested that I may benefit from therapy after seeing me experience episodes of rage followed by depression. Through this I realised I was internally very angry about something I had no control over.

With a qualified therapist I revisited the horrific experience I went through and used EMDR, talk therapy and somatic experiencing to process all of the emotions I had stored for so long.

It took me a few sessions to really open up about it as I hated doing so, because it almost made it feel more real – but in a weird way it took away a lot of the secrecy and shame.

Through therapy I got to tell my inner kid that I had his back and that it wasn’t my fault. I still don’t feel comfortable talking to my family about it, I don’t want them to feel any sense of guilt or to look at me differently but I am glad I was able to share this with my current partner and also with a therapist that I trust.

My partner knows not to push too many questions on me at once and she also knows that I’m working through my triggers. It was a long time ago that it happened and the abuser is probably either dead or a miserable old woman by now, I have no idea and I personally don’t want to go looking for her.

I think it’s important that deaf people are supported in their journey from victim to survivor, by being given tools to deal with their mental struggles. It’s not like it happens once and that’s it. Once a memory is triggered, it can come up in your mind again and again.

As a cochlear implant user, I felt comfortable with a hearing therapist and communicating with them directly but you could also look at the charities Sign Health and Deaf4Deaf for BSL users. Or even just find one person you trust and process it with them.

Working through the trauma by myself at home, I found the book The Body Keeps the Score very helpful too.

I wanted to write something that might inspire a deaf person who has been through abuse to feel a bit less alone and also know that there are ways to help you on the healing process.

Sure – getting justice done and reporting crime is so important – but please remember to tend to your own mind and emotions so the trauma does not keep reliving itself in your life.

Wishing you healing and peace.

From someone who has finally found it!

This blog has been written anonymously as part of the Insight series where readers are invited to share their story or news about their interesting job with The Limping Chicken. If you have a story to share please email rebecca@rawithey.com

Image courtesy of Pexels.