Insight: The pressure and resentment I experienced being the only hearing CODA in the household (BSL)

I read an earlier Insight story – about a deaf person becoming estranged from their hearing sibling – with interest as it is almost exactly parallel to my story as an only hearing Child Of Deaf Adults (OHCODA.)

I can empathise so strongly with the hearing sister who was described in the story, so I hope that what I say below might offer the author some insight as to what may have caused the rift between them.

Myself and my deaf sister are also the only children, and like the author, my older sister went to a deaf boarding school for her secondary education. So from the age of nine I was more or less an only child.  My sister only ever came home at half term and at the end of the school term.

My parents certainly relied on me a lot and it got to a point when I absolutely resented it.  I had to tell them when the doorbell rang, when the kettle was whistling and when the dog was scratching on the door to come in. I had to write letters, make phone calls, and to interpret and so on… and on … and on … and on!

I had to do all this as soon as I got home from school. It had to be done straight away and things like watching my favourite TV programme, going out to play or even doing my homework had to wait.

It felt like I was being bled dry before I could even start on my own needs.  This is something that I’ve noticed in several deaf parents.  My parents’ needs always seemed more important than mine and my other (hearing) CODA friends have also commented on it.

I particularly remember one occasion when I was eleven my mother, father and sister got so angry with me because I wasn’t able to interpret the news of the Israeli 7-day war to them.  Interpreting the news is immensely difficult, even for trained interpreters and yet as an eleven year old I was expected to interpret something which I didn’t understand!

Outwardly I think I appeared to be a happy child, but internally I was raging at the demands placed on me. I only ever brought one friend to our home. I was embarrassed about my family being deaf and I hated the deaf/hearing culture clashes.

I hated that no matter how tired I was, I  had to go to the deaf club – even though it meant that I didn’t get home until midnight, yet other nights I had to be in bed at 8pm even though all my friends stayed up much later. If I tried to explain to mum/dad that I wasn’t happy about something, I was always told “it’s the deaf way”.

It’s no wonder that I left home as soon as I turned 16 and left school.  The freedom was such a weight off my back.  I did stay in touch with my parents, but only really saw them out of a sense of duty, maybe once every six weeks or so. It would be nice enough for the first half hour and then it would all start again, “Can you phone the bank?”, “Can you write this letter for me?” and “We must go to see so-and-so.”

To me, it felt like control.  I find it interesting that the author wonders if her sister was being controlled by her partner, without considering whether she, or her parents, were the controlling ones.

I did eventually make peace with my family and I hope that the author will be able to do the same with her sister.  Maybe the family just need to acknowledge the stress and pressure that the only hearing person in the family might have had to go through?

Without knowing what really caused the rift between the author and her sister perhaps the above does not apply, but I do wonder whether some of what I’ve said will touch on the truth.

This blog has been written anonymously as part of the Insight series where readers are invited to share their story or news about their interesting job with The Limping Chicken. If you have a story to share please email Assistant Editor Rebecca A Withey at rebecca@rawithey.com

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