Rebecca A Withey: An open letter to the child who stared, and the parent that dragged him away (BSL)

Dear little one – I saw you watching me as I signed to a friend today. I hadn’t seen my friend for a while, so we were catching up excitedly in the store you were also in with your parent.

You were probably wondering what my friend and I were doing so animatedly with our hands and faces. We use sign language to communicate, isn’t that cool! We can understand each other in this way and tell stories too.

Why? Our ears don’t work like yours, you see. So we don’t hear people talking in the way you do, and we don’t understand others using sound either. So we use our hands and our eyes. Isn’t that amazing!

Were you wondering what we were talking about?

I saw you staring curiously with your wide open eyes. Maybe you have never seen deaf people – or at least not in real life, communicating in this way before. I didn’t mind you looking. When I smiled at you, you smiled back – were you surprised I could see you?

And when my friend waved, I saw how you giggled and waved back. You understood us, see? You can do sign language too!

Yet I saw how sternly your parent pulled you away once they saw you looking at us. When you questioned them about us, gesturing at sign language – I saw their glance as they looked towards us, and  – with what looked like pity on their faces –  quickly pulled you away.

You looked confused. I don’t blame you. There’s nothing wrong with us, right? And kids do tend to stare at new things. So you haven’t done anything wrong, don’t worry.

But if I could chat to your parent I’d say this;

Hello! I saw you try to pretend I wasn’t there, that my friend and I were invisible – but here we are. Your little one has been engaging with us and he’d like to know what we are doing.

It’s okay you can tell him. ‘Deaf’ isn’t a bad word, you know? Neither is British Sign Language – that’s what we were using, by the way.

I don’t know why you reacted in that way when you saw us – but please, can I suggest something? Next time your child sees a deaf person or someone using sign language, don’t scold them.

Don’t drag children away from sign language as though they’ve witnessed something terrible. We don’t want children to grow up fearing us or shutting us out.

Please don’t silence their questions either. Deafness deserves to be spoken about, to be normalised, there are so many of us deaf folk around after all.

How can we ever expect to feel a part of your community if we are whispered about, and children ushered away from us in shameful tones?

Just a smile would do. It’s a simple way to acknowledge us, or even just a nod of the head if you’re not feeling particularly smiley. But please don’t ignore us. We’ve been treated as though we’re invisible for so long – and do you know what that does to a community?

It separates us. It amplifies the loneliness and solitude that being deaf can already bring. That’s why we are usually so happy to see another sign language user when we are out and about!

So tell your children about the world and all our differences. Don’t pretend they don’t exist, or pull your children away from people who are not the same as you.

Your child knew instinctively that we were worth engaging with. But you – were filled with fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the unfamiliar.

Being curious and inquisitive is good. Questions should be encouraged. Because with awareness comes understanding. And when we understand things more, we do better as a society.

We include others. We make sure nobody’s left out. We treat everyone with kindness. And they’re exactly the type of qualities we should be nurturing in our children.

So dear parent, let me conclude. Perhaps it was a knee jerk reaction. Maybe you didn’t know how to respond to being in our presence. Maybe you were worried your child was being perceived as rude. Parenthood is a lot, I get it.

But the way you reacted to us, is not all that uncommon. Deaf sign language users sadly see it all the time. How we get treated differently. Ignored. And it hurts.

But humans are funny creatures. We tend to fear what we don’t understand. I know because I remember how nervous I was interacting with a blind person for the first time. We are all learning.

Yet we need to remember that is this acting in fear that keeps us all segregated and arguing for equality and inclusion.

We are just the same as you. We just communicate differently. That’s all.

And that lovely little boy of yours – with his wide eyed innocence and eagerness to interact – listen closely to him. I’m guessing he has a lot to teach you.

Yours faithfully,

The two deaf people signing in Aisle 9 of your local supermarket.